I saw my ex for 2.5 months before I realized that it didn’t work out for me and I broke up. Now a few weeks later after I stopped seeing her the mountains here finally got a massive dump of snow. I’m really into backcountry skiing but none of my friends here have the required avalanche gear and avalanche trainings, so I don’t have anyone to go with (and you should never go alone due to the risks). During a party my ex hosted (while we still were seeing each other) I met one of her friends, Marty, who turns out to also be super excited about backcountry skiing. He has all the required gear and courses. We never kept in contact after the party, but I figured now with the massive dump of snow, why not reach out to him and see if he still is down to shred some powder.
I reach out to Marty and turns out he is stoked to go backcountry skiing with me. He doesn’t have anyone else to go with this weekend anyways. We plan a trip and then suddenly a day later I get an angry message from my ex. She has somehow heard that we are planning on going skiing together and she is really mad that I’m hanging out with her friend. She says that it’s weird and that she doesn’t want me to hangout with any of her friends. She says that she doesn’t like to get reminded about me, and that it is too much for her to hear that her friend is going skiing with me.
Assuming Marty still wants to go skiing (I get it if he doesn’t anymore, since it might risk his friendship with me ex): **Should I either respect my ex’s feelings and don’t go skiing, or should I prioritize mine and Martys excitement and go skiing?**
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**TL;DR:**
I reached out to one of my ex friends and asked if he wanted to go backcountry skiing. We both are super excited and plan to go. My ex finds out and get really upset, says she doesn’t want me to hangout with any of her friends. Should I respect this or go anyway?
6 comments
Can you not get your own friends? Why do you need to start hanging out with your exes friends?
I’d say it’s up to Marty. You only dated for 2.5 months. It’s a niche hobby. You found someone that is into it. I don’t see what the big deal is. Now, if it was her best friend and you’re inviting yourself to dinner parties, that’s another story.
It was only 2 1/2 months. You know her almost as well as him. You’re not going to be talking about her. You want to go skiing. What if you went with someone else and happened to see Marty there and hung out with him? Is she going to call you up and give you shit because you bumped into each other while enjoying a common interest? Or, if you never met before and then discovered that he was he friend while on the mountain, are you going to listen to that phone call? She needs to relax. Marty might turn out to be someone you don’t really want to hang out with after the one trip. Neither of you know, you just want to ski. You could find out he’s really an ass while you’re out there. That is not a long time to date.
She’s your ex and if you don’t intend to stay friends with her, then who you hang out with is none of her business. Whatever she feels about Marty is between her and Marty and he’s free to decide to hang out with you.
It’s not about prioritising your excitement to ski, it’s about not caving to her unreasonable request to not talk to someone she introduced you to, because it didn’t work out with you two. What if you meet someone she happens to know, at your job or something? She would be unreasonable to ask you to quit or ask that person to not be friendly with you.
Kinda sucks to be her tbh. You and Marty want to hang out, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Perhaps you can talk to Marty on the trip and ask him to be respectful of your exs feelings and not go into any big level of detail about you or the trip around her, (obviously don’t ask him to lie and say he didn’t see you or anything) but I wouldn’t pay it any more mind than that. And I’d block her for a while tbh, you’re not doing anything wrong, and she’s lashing out at you out of hurt that you ended things, so maybe take away the opportunity for her to lash out at you for now.
If you’ve made a real connection with this dude and could be friends, then be friends. It doesn’t have to have anything to do with her, and she’s in the wrong for inserting herself, claiming ownership or something of Marty, and acting like you’re personally sleighting her for going skiing with this guy. What she *should* be doing, is asking Marty to just not tell her about it in the future, as she’s not over you yet. Not this. This is unreasonable and controlling, and you absolutely should not “respect her feelings” here.
You should go. She doesn’t own other people nor can she tell you who to be friends with. She is being controlling.