How do you never run out of things to say?

6 comments

1. You don’t. It’s OK to run out of things to say. My best friendships are littered with silences, and “awkward” pauses that never feel awkward. It’s natural. Go for who, what, when, where. Ask questions about the other person. But you can’t avoid the gaps. They’re necessary, use it as time to process what the other person said, or think of something new based on what they’ve said. It’s a nice break for both people.

2. Take what they say and LINK to it with a relevant comment, question or insight of your own. (Key to that is taking a TRUE interest in what the other person is saying and having a bit of energy about that.) For yourself, NOTICE the things that happen during your day that are something worth worth sharing. Anything that is: unusual, interesting, heart-warming, funny, frustrating, informative, cute, crazy, etc. Make a note of it on a pad or in your phone. Review the list before you go out to socialize. You should always have 2-3 items in reserve, and if you follow this practice daily you will have LOTS of material.

   Good luck!

3. With people you know, silences are natural. But with new people, I get it, it can feel a little awkward.

   Being ***genuinely interested*** is your best bet because it results in you paying attention which helps you to spot…

   **”Conversation doors”**

   …it’s not a real name but it’s the best I could come up with.

   Whenever I’m speaking to someone I’ve just met, I’ll take a mental note of all the possible *doors* we can enter.

   —

   For example, if they say: “I’ve lived here in Milan for 3 years but I was in Paris before.”

   We’ve got at least 6 conversation doors we can enter.

   “1. What brought you here? ” is the obvious door most people will walk through

   But we’ve got plenty other doors:

   **Paris** – What was Paris like? Did you learn French? Is the bread as good as they say?

   **They moved** – What was the move like? Why did you move? Did you drive all the way?

   **Milan** – Do you like living in Milan? Do you think you’ll be here for a while?

   **3 years** – Have you tried DeAngelos coffee yet?

   You can probably think of more.

   And the more you practice looking for these doors, the quicker you’ll spot them real time.

   In general, open questions will create a richer conversation.

   —

   And when they reply, throw in your perspective too. “I know what you mean, when I moved to University it was so weird seeing my life in suitcases. Did you study in France?” etc etc.

   —

   And if they don’t say much then open up your world to them.

   What FL-Irish suggested is great, have a couple topics in your back pocket.

   A TV show you love, you’re thinking about getting a dog, excited to go home for xmas, just started a new gym class, blah blah.

   —

   You’ve got this.

4. Yo!

   I think it’s ok to run out of things to say. When having a conversation, the person who is asking questions usually is leading the conversation. I think it’s more about having a lot of great questions in your back pocket than having a lot of random things to say. Open-ended how, or what questions help keep conversations going. Adding in “oh can you tell me more about that”. Try keeping a few nonsurface-level questions ready for whatever is appropriate for the occasion. I saw a ted talk on this and wrote down a few of the questions.
   Do you believe in Karma?
   What quality do you appreciate about your mother?
   What scar of yours has the most interesting story behind it?
   What made you happy today?
   What passion projects are you working on?
   Be sure to have these responses ready if you use these questions. Most people will reciprocate the question. But that gives you the opportunity to follow up with another question.
   You can google or use ChatGPT to come up with some other great conversation starters.
   When in doubt the open-ended questions are your best friend. (How, What,) Use them as a flow.
   Chris Voss Never Split the difference is a great book. Its on negotiation, but he talks a lot about open ended How/What questions. I have it on audble. One of my go to listens. Check it out.

5. I used to tour and at the beginning of every tour, I would seemingly find myself a little jealous toward the dudes who were quick-witted and who had an endurance when it came to keeping conversations going. They were the funniest dudes I ever met, at first, always natural improvs. Throughout tour, you eventually get annoyed by everybody – but – without fail, I would always become annoyed towards those dudes the earliest and the longest. They lacked ability to remain peaceful in silence and tended to stain good quiet moments with unnecessary word vomit.

   Silence is beautiful.

6. I like the idea of “fractals” — that is, smaller pieces of a broader topic that you can tease out and run with.

   Help me out here: Give me two different topics, and I can show you how this works.