My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3.5 years. Obviously as relationships continue for longer, the frequency of sex decreases. When we first started dating we were daily kind of people. Maybe even twice on the weekends. And we have slowed since then. Now I’d say we average like 1-2 times per week. But when we have sex it’s good sex. I mean I’m left weak in the knees, shaking, and thoroughly exhausted. So to me less quantity but excellent quality seems like a good combo.
But my boyfriend disagrees. He keeps saying that we need to have a better sex life. That we can only continue to have a positive relationship if we keep up our sex life. And because we are much less frequent than before, if something comes up (like one of us is sick, something comes up at work, or one of us just isn’t feeling into it that night etc) we might go a week without sex. For some reason to him, those weeks mean our relationship is essentially done for. Also I know he masturbates and I’m fine with that so he can manage himself that way just fine if he’s horny outside of the times we have sex.
I understand and agree sex is important but this catastrophic thinking that one week without sex every 2-3 months means our relationship is screwed makes no logical sense to me. We’ve been through so much together and we are committed to each other deeply. I mean I moved to a different state where I have no connections so he could get his dream job.
How do I get him to see that the less frequent sex isn’t devastating and that it’s normal?
17 comments
What specifically does a better sex life mean to him? What does he want to see happening and what’s stopping it?
Have him explain both to you.
He needs to be realist with himself about the obstacles of his fantasy
First, your sentence beginning with “obviously” is neither accurate nor obvious. For some couples sex decreases, but for some it increases in frequency over time. Consider empty nesters, couples with independent teenagers, etc.
You two have a libido mismatch. There’s nothing to “make him see.” Unlike the way you feel, the decreased frequency might just be devastating for him.
It sounds to me like your way isn’t working for him, and it also sounds like you don’t think his feelings are valid. But they are, even if you don’t agree with them.
Like many things in a relationship, you two can either work together and find a solution that makes everyone happy, or not. And if you decide to keep on the course you’re on, he might need to decide if he wants to stay in a relationship where a huge, important need of his isn’t being met.
My wife (F45) and I (M41) have been married for 14 years and have been together for 20, and our sex life is as good as it was when we first met.
However, it was not always like this, and ill health severely reduced our sex life for a large part of our marriage, and afterwards, it took time and communication to build our sex life back up.
My point is sex can decline for numerous reasons but is not inevitable. Sexual compatibility is important, but expecting sex when you are unwell is not healthy and definitely a red flag.
Sounds like you don’t really care about his feelings on the matter because the sex y’all have gets you “weak in the knees” afterwards.. yeah he gonna break up with you eventually
Well, this does not have to be a situation where one of you is wrong and the other one is right. This could very well be the situation where both of you are right.
It’s quite possible that sex is fantastic for you but he is left wanting and unfulfilled. Maybe he does not see the sex you have in the same way as you do.
This doesn’t mean that one of you is wrong. I think this is a fundamental incompatibility between the two of you. What may be normal for you need not necessarily be normal for him.
Talk with each other and see what each other’s needs are and see if you can find some common ground.
On the weeks you don’t have sex, how are you feeling towards him mentally? I am asking this because we should all know by now that when two people are in a relationship and one of them is not feeling very good feelings about the other than sex is probably off the table.
If there are stressors like money or chore division or even work stress that plays a part too.
Before I broke it off with my ex if he breathed at me like he wanted sex I would instantly turn off because his mere touch made my skin crawl. But there were factors that got me there.
Well, you start by not talking about him like he’s being irrationally unreasonable.
Your partner is trying to communicate that his needs aren’t being met.
I think that very likely him being devastated is partly due to the fact that to you addressing the issue is not a priority, or simply the result of the fact that the way he is trying to make you understand how important this is to him isn’t coming across.
There is no right or wrong amount of sex for a couple to have.
The right amount is hopefully a frequency that is satisfying the needs of both partners.
If your sex drives really don’t match up the problem is probably greater than you thought and your relationship might be destined to end.
If you can find a way to compromise and find a balance that is fulfilling for the both of you then great, what you can’t afford to do is not taking what your partner is telling you very seriously.
He is communicating a need and you are not listening – whatever you’ll end up doing you should have a real discussion about the issue.
Sounds like you have a lower libido than him. There’s no way to “get him to see” anything, he’s never going to be satisfied with having less sex than the amount that will satisfy him. This is a pretty common deal breaker for a lot of people.
It sounds like your boyfriend is an “every day” sort of person and you’re a “once a week” sort of person.
>So to me less quantity but excellent quality seems like a good combo.
This statement is confusing and inconsistent, because having less sex doesn’t inherently improve the quality… unless you were going through the motions at a higher frequency for his sake and having sex you didn’t want to have.
My guess is that he thought you would maintain (and would still prefer) the frequency at the start of your relationship and not the “once a week unless I don’t feel like it” pace you’re currently on.
Imagine that you suddenly went from once a week to getting turned down all but once a month, and if your boyfriend said “work was busy today, let’s try again next month” a couple times a year and you probably have a sense of how his experience is now.
Neither of you is wrong for having different sex drives, but you’re being insensitive when he’s telling you his needs aren’t being met and your response is “it’s normal”
Imagine if you got thousands of replies to this post and every single one said that you are wrong, the normal thing is to have sex once per day until retirement (and retired ppl have sex 3 times per day since they don’t work). Would you say “okay, bf was right, let’s fuck every day”?
This is something that varies, each person is different. Some want sex at least 5 per day and some never want sex. If you’re in a serious long-term relationship you need to make sure that both partners are happy. You are happy with you current sex life because this is your normal. Your boyfriend is not happy, this is not his normal.
Your bf is right when he said;
>we can only continue to have a positive relationship if we keep up our sex life.
Because you need both partners to be happy to continue a good relationship.
He sounds incredibly immature. In long term adult relationships there will absolutely be weeks without sex. (Illness, injury, separate travel, giving birth, etc.)
If he says the whole relationship falls apart without a sex for that short of a time he is in essence saying the whole relationship is about sex.
If he talked to you like an adult and said he would feel more fulfilled and happy if you skipped sex less often, that would be fine. That’s not what he is doing. He’s saying all of the wonderful parts of being in a relationship with you aren’t worth a week of no sex.
I would have a serious conversation about where he sees this relationship going. Does he actually picture a future with you? Does he have any interest in marriage or kids? Or will he peace out the moment you are unable to give him sex?
I think it makes perfect sense that two people with different libidos would have to figure out how to come to a compromise.
I also hear you when you talk about the bf reacting to going without sex for a week every once in a while as though it puts your entire relationship at risk. It’s one thing to agree that you both need to find a rhythm that works for both of you. It’s another thing altogether to hold the relationship hostage because he didn’t get to have sex for a week because life happened. How is that not coercion?
If I was in my 20s and the sex is already slowing to once per week before getting married or even having kids, that’d be a real fly in the ointment for me too
>Obviously as relationships continue for longer, the frequency of sex decreases.
No, that’s not obvious at all. Plenty of couples have very active sex lives for the duration of their relationships.
Has he been cheated on? Does he have abandonment issues? Abuse as a child? That kind of catastrophic thinking is common in people with personality disorders and mental illness related to abuse.
It’s fine for him to feel like he wants it more often, and it’s fine for him to think about ending the relationship if he is unhappy with the amount of sex. That’s normal and nothing you can do about it.
If this relationship ending thing is being thrown in your face as a threat to get you to comply, that’s obviously different and you should leave as it’s not ok in any way. If it’s more of a panicking, scared response then as above, sounds like a trauma response and needs to be worked through in therapy.
I would leave a relationship if sex were only 1-2 times per week, it’s simply not enough for me and the person is sexually incompatible. Perhaps he is the same in which case he should leave and stop stringing you along and tormenting you about a break up.
Good luck. Sounds to me like he’s not satisfied with the realities of life. Someone who can’t separate a fantasy ideal from actual life can make a partner miserable.