I’m Autistic with very severe social anxiety and just anxiety in general. Last time I had friends that weren’t my family was when I was in high school but I graduated last year. My most common problem is I spend a lot of time at home, away from other people. However I do interact with people I get to in my head worrying how i act that I unintentionally sabotage myself. My therapist thinks that since I spend all my time at home I will become more and more anxious that I will have a harder time in the future and I should start going to make sure I’m good at it still and not lonely. She says I don’t instantly need to make friends but I should start with “small and comfortable situations”. The example she gives is like going to a stranger at a place and complimenting them or having causal small talk with them. The appointment was like 3 days ago and i haven’t done anything yet I’m still kinda nervous to start this. I don’t want to do the thing where I practice while I’m doing it so I want be prepared before it comes. Any good things to say or do? Any good people in o do it to? Any good places to do it? Any advice is appreciated.
3 comments
Well, people aren’t necessarily comfortable interacting with Total Strangers either, right? So I’d think about making a checklist of things you need to do and practice them at home, or even on family members, until you get really comfortable with the ACTIONS. The actions I’m referring to are things like:
1) Starting the interaction with a big smile. (Moment you make eye contact.)
2) Having an energetic greeting. (Not over the top of course, but not low energy either. Something like, “HI, how are YOU today?” or “HEY, how’s it GOING?” Notice the all caps words for extra friendly emphasis.)
3) Be prepared with an answer in case you’re asked the same question. “Things are going GREAT today.” or “So far so GOOD!”
BTW I can’t imagine going up to a TOTAL STRANGER (ie a customer in a store or shop, or a random person on the street etc.) and saying any of that. Because they’d wonder why you’re talking to them. So I’m ASSUMING that your therapist was referring to a store cashier, clerk, shop person of some sort. Because then that sort of conversation would be natural as you’re checking out.
One thing especially to work on is your tone of voice as you’re speaking. If you tend to run monotone, try to put more variation and happy energy into it. Also remind yourself to smile a bit more often. (Greeting is a BIG smile. While talking or listening is just a “slight” smile.)
Here’s an article I just wrote called [How To Make Friends If You Have Aspergers](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/10rt84r/how_to_make_friends_if_you_have_aspergers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Honestly it’s helpful for anyone who as Autism, Aspergers or even if you’re just socially anxious!
Hi, I have been working on social skills with goal of making a friend. I’m doing exposure therapy and things that put me out there too. “Small and comfortable” is brilliant advice because by getting successes (no matter how small) with interpersonal activities under your belt you brain will begin to let go of anxiety and panic response.
– Meetup.com look for interests and meet people that share them. I joined tabletop rpg group because I enjoy fantasizing and role play. I also joined a rocket launching group because I enjoy science and can converse with passionate people easier.
– Invite acquaintances to your home. I started inviting a couple neighbors over one Saturday morning a month for morning coffee and tea. It’s a really easy thing to host because they just come by drink a hot beverage with me in the dining room and chat about indifferent things and then leave. I did it last month and have another one later this month. Strangely hosting things is easier for me then going somewhere as a guest because I understand host etiquette really well and I have home field advantage.
– I have a gym membership and I do my best to respond casually to other patrons. I also make sure to greet the desk person and ask how they are doing.
– I have a dog I walk and I used to turn to avoid other people on the street, but I do my best to just greet and keep walking. I used to avoid others because successfully interacting often requires a lot of mental preparation on my part. Now instead I try to give myself positive talk that even if I can’t respond well or at all it won’t be end of the world.
– Volunteer opportunities. I haven’t done this but I want to.
I hope some of the things I’ve done help give you ideas for social interactions. Set yourself up for success and seek support from your support network when it is too much to manage on your own. Good luck fam!
Hi OP,
I agree with u/gum-believable (and your therapist) that “small and comfortable” is good advice. One situation I would recommend pursuing is interactions with store clerks–like going through the checkout at the grocery store, or buying a candy bar at a convenience store, or asking a clerk in a Wal-Mart aisle if they carry a certain product.
I think this kind of situation has a couple of advantages. It is **small** in the sense that there are only two people involved (there may be others waiting in line, but they are not directly involved), and it is also small in another way–it’s a fairly short interaction. These limits make things less complex, and having a simpler situation, a short interaction with fewer people to interact with, sounds like what your therapist may be recommending.
I think this also tends to be more **comfortable** than some other situations. Less scary than just approaching a stranger “in the wild,” and also, interactions with people working in a store have a pattern–what I mean is, you basically know the general outlines of how this will work:
You (or the clerk): “Hello”
The clerk (or you): “Hi”
Clerk: “Did you find everything you need?”
You: “Yes, thank you.”
Psychologists would call this a “script”–that is, each person follows a more or less regular form of interaction, like they’re “following a script” in a movie. The script won’t be exactly the same every time, but the basic patterns of this situation are more or less familiar.
I think having a familiar script can be useful in lowering the pressure in social interactions. You can also think of some things to add, for example, at the grocery store:
“I’m glad Wheaties are two for one, that really helps with all this inflation.” (Presumably you will actually be buying Wheaties 🙂 ). And so on.
Interacting with people in this setting is a natural and inevitable part of life, and so getting better at this is useful in its own right. And as you get better at it, it can build your confidence and hopefully you will feel more at ease with branching out to connect in other, less structured and less familiar situations.
Good luck!
**EDIT:** Just read your comment OP. Yes, saying Hi to the desk person at the gym is another really good example of this. Many others also. And saying Hi to people while walking your dog is another very good type of situation. It has a lot of the same characteristics: short, two people involved, and again, I think there is a pattern and a script to this:
Other person: “Wow, cute dog!”
You: “Thanks, his name is Fido”
Other person: “What kind of dog is he?”
You: “He’s a Chihuahua/Great Dane mix” (OK, maybe bad example Lol ).
And so on. It sounds like you are already pursing this strategy–so good for you–and maybe you can identify some other casual situations with these same characteristics. That would give you even more opportunities to “practice.”