i was used as a rebound and i hate letting one person control my emotions but i just feel really crappy about myself the whole thing made me feel really ugly and annoying
for context, i (20F) live in my college dorm with two roommates. over the summer this guy (22m) i kind of knew from class dmd me and was like i think we’re neighbors. i thought it was weird at first, but once the semester started we hung out a couple times with our roommates and as we got closer he opened up to us a lot about stuff. one issue in particular was his girlfriend at the time. it’s a long story but in summary she was really toxic and he came to us for advice a lot and they ended up breaking up.
we usually hung out in a big group (my roommates and his roommates), but one week when everyone but us was busy, we gradually just started hanging out alone. i never really had any feelings for him or entertained the idea of “starting” anything with him, but i started feeling like he was coming on to me. it was little things at first, he would pay for my food when we went out and he blocked me on venmo when i tried paying him back. he was always super respectful and since i was friends with him before, i genuinely thought he “wasn’t like other guys”
he was always super sweet and did a lot for me, and i started feeling bad for not reciprocating, so i kinda started “flirting” back. i was really careful with everything though because he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship and i thought it was weird he was potentially starting a new one so early.
the most we did was spend the night together, but nothing happened other than cuddling which i thought was so sweet and respectful especially since i have bad experiences with other guys.
we went on a date and i felt like it went really well, but the next couple days after it i started feeling weird. i dont know how to describe it but my gut feeling was telling me something was weird. he ended up texting me and asked if we could talk. i went to talk to him, and he basically told me he wasn’t fully over his ex. he said more but i honestly blanked out during it, i literally couldnt form any words i felt so stupid. i did ask him if he ever had feelings for me or if i was just a rebound, and he said he did have feelings but its just a bad time with him just getting out a relationship. he did say he still wanted to be friends, and i do too honestly, but i was really hurt after everything. it was really awkward and we have a lot of mutual friends the whole thing was so tense.
this was about 2 months ago and i can honestly say im over him. i still have residual self-esteem issues, because obviously the first thing my brain did after it ended was that if i was better, like prettier and more fit and smarter, it wouldve ended differently.
we’ve been texting here and there to check in every now and then, but i recently found out he has a new girlfriend. it didnt make me sad bc i still want to be with him, because i accepted that it “wasnt meant to be”, but it just made me feel really bad about myself. i can’t help to compare myself to this new girl and i feel so ugly and gross. ive just never had luck with men and im starting to think its more because im just unlovable and ugly and have a bad personality rather than the men ive met being horrible people.
it also kind of hurt because even though im honestly over him, i feel like its kinda soon to get back into dating. i feel like it means that i meant nothing to him like he didnt really need “healing” from me. i know if i were to start dating rn id still have some residual issues that wouldnt be fair to the other person, but it just feels weird hes already in a relationship so soon after we ended things, even though we werent dating.
idk i think i kind of just wanted to vent but i just feel really bad about myself my self esteem took a big hit i dont know what to do. i think i still want to be friends with him, because i cared about him a lot even when we were just friends he was always caring and supportive, but i just feel really weird he has a gf already
3 comments
What advice do you need?
>im starting to think its more because im just unlovable and ugly and have a bad personality rather than the men ive met being horrible people.
Things wouldn’t have gotten to where they did if that were true. Unfortunately, some people don’t realise they’re still not over a past relationship until they try and start the next one. It’s not a question of using or being used, it’s just that things sometimes work out that way.
If he were truly looking for some no string attached experience for a rebound, there’s no shortage of places to find that these days. To be crass, if someone is looking to screw the pain away, they’re not going to go for cuddles and a couple of meet ups.
Been in the same situation with someone who wasn’t ready, we part, then after a short while they find a partner. It’s very easy to pick apart every aspect of yourself in those situations but it’s not worth it and there’s no meaning or truth to be found there. It can simply be true that this time, the cookie crumbled that way. It’s unfortunate, it’s not pleasant, but it is just that.
Personally, I can look back and see a lot of bad luck with women and played the “is it me?” card way too many times than is healthy throughout my 20s and early 30s. Whilst we all benefit from a bit of self-reflection now and then, it’s so easy to just invent fictions of ourselves as awful or unlovable people just because we’ve had some bad times.
All’s fair in love and war. And if your self/esteem is so damaged by the failure of a fleeting fling, then you’ve got work to do. Other people do not control our emotions or provide us with esteem. This is a decision you need to make on your own. Im sure you’re pretty enough, smart enough for the right guy guy at the right time.