Okay, I hope this doesn’t upset anyone with ADHD. I’m still learning about it. I’ve heard that people with partners who have ADHD have unspoken struggles as a result of the ADHD partner’s behaviors, and I really just need some advice on how to address these feelings.
My boyfriend (dating for a year and a half) has been clinically diagnosed with ADHD, and it manifests very clearly in his behavior. I dont want to get too into detail but he has several hyperfixations that are pretty expensive. He spends money frivolously despite us being broke college students because he is an extreme impulse buyer.
His impulses seem to drive most of his behavior. I’ve tried to talk with him about stopping and thinking critically before doing things, and he’s expressed a willingness to do so, but in the end, he always goes back being impulse-driven. He’ll put off work until last minute or just not do it at all in favor of his hyperfixations. He’s even avoided paying bills and won’t schedule important medical appointments until I step in after months of asking. Honestly, I know it sounds bad, but he does try to do better and talks about how he has to fight himself to get stuff done because his natural impulse is to avoid, procrastinate, and only do fun things.
I’ve had to become responsible for pretty much everything. I keep track of everything important because if he did, nothing would ever get done. It puts a lot of stress on me, and I find myself avoiding him even though we live together. He’s impulsively done things that end up hurting me despite him saying he doesn’t intend to. I’ve had so many breakdowns at this point, begging him to stop and change, which he agrees to, but the cycle always repeats. We have the same argument every month and he has the same solution every month (it never works). He’ll be focused and productive for about a week and then it all goes back to normal. He has tried therapy, mindfulness techniques, and visual reminders. He’s never been on medication, and as terrible as it sounds, I desperately want him to be on meds. I know it probably won’t be a quick fix, but I’m desperate.
This whole post sounds terrible. I do really love him. We get along great when nothing important is involved. He’s doting and kind (except for his poor impulsive decisions that end up effecting me.) I sometimes feel like his ADHD is the devil on his shoulder. I’m at my wit’s end. I used to have faith that he could change, but the cycle has repeated too many times.
Are there any strategies that he and or I could use to mitigate the difficulties? Also, I’d really like to change my way of thinking about ADHD, so any information on behavior would be greatly appreciated.
2 comments
I’m a 23 year old woman with ADHD. Yeah, I also have had issues with not paying bills on time, haven’t been to the doctor in a few years, etc. I’m on medication, it does help me tremendously with my work, but not really when it comes to organizing certain things, especially finances and medical care. I was able to graduate college with a good GPA, but I wasn’t able to do it without spending every waking hour on school.
You guys are both broke college students, I really hope your finances are separate. If he is losing his money, well he’s gonna just have to face those consequences. If his tooth hurts, he’s going to have to go to the dentist himself. Stop managing his life for him.
I kind of got the feeling that you are someone who is well-organized and on top of it. If that’s the case, think hard about if someone with ADHD is right for you. Is it just because you think he isn’t performing to his potential at all, or you don’t like his methods?
My spouse is clinically diagnosed with ADHD and is (semi) medicated. She doesn’t like to take her meds every day because the stimulants mess with her creativity (and she needs that for her job), and also with her pre-existing GI issues.
The biggest thing is communication. You need to tell him that his “solutions” aren’t working. He must change if you two are going to continue your relationship. You need to tell him how you feel. Just because it’s not necessarily about you doesn’t mean it doesn’t impact you. You matter too. If he can’t change, then he can’t be with you, as heartbreaking as that is.
My spouse has benefitted substantially from a combo of therapy and medication when she needs it. He is very young. Hopefully with time and work he can figure out how to live as a productive adult.
Keep your finances separate. Do your best to support him without enabling his harmful behaviors. Good luck. I love my ADHD partner. It makes life a little more chaotic, a little more fun. If it’s not fun, then you aren’t compatible.