I am 43m, pretty intelligent, successful in the medical field, but in general I just do not like people. However, I am now in a place where I need to effectively mingle and schmooze, but I’ve never really leaned the art of small talk. Does anyone have any suggestions or techniques or book recommendations on how to effectively small talk?
18 comments
Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves and if you get into a topic they show passion and talk about it, that conversation will have meaning to them.
Have an interesting story or two about one of your hobbies/passions.
>I just do not like people
Ok that’s your problem right here. You have to at least act like you like people. people like people that like them. it soudns so obvious but . .. it’s the truth. dnt’ underestimate the power of showing up and being interested in people. seriously. tehy will LOVE you for asking questions abotu their life and families etc
My go-to icebreaker in a networking setting is to ask “What do you like to do?”
People love to talk about themselves, plus it gives an opportunity to see if there’s a common interest. Careful, the objective is to keep them talking, not to one-up their lives or stories.
My go to is to talk about food. There are so many traditions out there. It started when I was a food manager and I had to start ordering for holidays and I remembered being gobsmacked that so many people had corned beef and cabbage for St Patrick’s day once I left my Norwegian-English family, so I asked my team what they did for Xmas and it was all over the place. What’s for dinner is a good go to
I tend to have an observational comedic perspective towards most basic small talk, ask a few questions to the other person. Sometimes the jokes get a awkward look back (usually basic ass people). Just keep on and go about ya bidness
People like to talk about themselves, or things that directly interest them.
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So make your conversations ways to get them talking about their favorite subject: themselves.
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As they blather on and on, you’ll see things they like and if you have a shared interest or experience, you can use it as jumping off point. But remember, don’t participate in the conversation to make yourself look better or good. Participate to show them solidarity, and continue to focus on making them the centerpiece of this entire interaction.
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Once you see this game for what it is, you’ll be amused at how much you can play around with it.
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And you might even find yourself being more interested in people than you thought you were…
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GL YMMV
> I am 43m, pretty intelligent, successful ~in the medical field~~, but in general I just do not like people.
I’m 40, but SAME.
> However, I am now in a place where I need to effectively mingle and schmooze,
Damn, what happened, you get promoted to admin or something? I stick to middle management to avoid having to effectively mingle and schmooze…because it’s just not interesting to me.
I hope you work it out!
More dead baby jokes…
Learn to be curious about other people. Find a topic that interests them that you can talk about.
Observe to see if they have anything with them that can be a hooby, or a thing about which you can strike a conversation with.
Be an active listener. Judge whether the topic at hand is making them comfortable or not.
Analyse their responses. And see if you can pick up on some hidden cues to talk about.
Watch more James Bond films. Mimic him (minus the creepy rapey conversations with women).
As the others said, ask ask ask. Asking questions is the surefire way to keep it going. Telling relevant stories, throwing in jokes are just bonuses.
Small talk is 10% what you say and 90% how you say it. You could make rocks sound exciting if you’re excited about it.
The School Of Life has some stuff on this.
>but in general I just do not like people.
Well yeah of course lol. Who likes people? They’re annoying, they’re smelly, they’re in the way. They take too long to park, they don’t say thank you, never smile.
Put me in a room and ask me to socialize with people though. Who is in that room? Not people anymore. Just a bunch of new friends.
It was about a perspective change for me. I’m not “mingling”, I’m making friends. Obviously not every connections forms into something long lasting, most of them don’t. But that’s OK. The point is to almost “pretend” to be these people’s friends. It gets very easy very quickly.
I come up with random facts or try to insert wit and humor wherever I can.
Example – older woman (maybe early 50s) looking for something in an aisle at the store. Like, she was searching like it should be at that spot on the shelf but wasn’t.
I came up to her and said “sorry. But I already checked. Waldo isn’t in there.”
She laughed and told me what she was trying to find. There was one on the top shelf which I reached up and grabbed it for her. She was appreciative and we chatted for a minute or two.
I don’t know if that’s what you’re looking for but I do shit like that all the time. Sometimes it doesn’t result in people looking at me like I’m a fucking weirdo.
How to Win Friends & Influence People – Dale Carnegie
Ask open-ended questions and find out something interesting about them
Start to like people
Easy. You don’t have small talk because it’s annoying no matter what.