I (22F) wanna make our sex life really amazing for my bf (27M) but I have no idea how. I’m not very experienced and he is super vanilla about everything, which is kind of confusing to me – he’s the first guy I’ve met who’s like this. He seems to genuinely like sex but really isn’t as into it as all the other guys I’ve seen before (having specific kinks, wanting to try out lots of new things, being loud in bed, telling me what feels good and what they want me to do to them/what they want to do to me). It’s good in the respect that I don’t worry about him watching porn or anything in our relationship (we both agreed it’s kind of cheating to us) but his attitude towards sex makes it hard for me to know how to make things interesting for us. We talked about it and he says it’s already the best he’s ever had but I don’t really believe his since he once said sex with one of his exes was ‘great’ and a few minutes later said our was ‘pretty good’….but he won’t tell me what he likes or why it was great, was he just more attracted to her? I know I’m comparing myself here but since he said that I’ve felt like shit to be honest. He later said that he said it because she just seemed to be so into it, that maybe she found him sexier than other girls did and that sex is just the same for him. But that hurt…I’m so connected to him and he’s my first proper bf, I’ve never felt so deeply about a guy before so I thought maybe he didn’t realise that I found him this attractive too? Hopefully even more attractive than she found him, from what he’s said she wasn’t a very nice gf to him. I moan for him, want to try being on top, offer to do whatever he wants and ask if he has any fantasies we can try out, lingerie, all that kind of thing, but he really is not into anything. He said he didn’t do any of these things with his exes either. Am I just being insecure and should try to let it go? I just really want it to be exciting and passionate, especially since we’re still in the early stages, but I think this guy is the first one I’ve met who isn’t a bit sex obsessed and I am honestly very thrown off by it (like I’m so confused and feel helpless what to do to him since he won’t tell me what feels good, when to do stuff, how he likes it….) He seems so confused when I ask what he likes, to him sex just seems to be sex, like there’s no variation in the things that we do. And there’s no indication of if he enjoys it, he hardly makes any noise and when he does I think he just sounds annoyed (even though he doesn’t seem annoyed, he can be enjoying it like normal sex usually goes). But I think if it actually felt good for him he would want to moan for me too, I also want to see how much I turn him on and when it feels good for him but he’s so quiet, and he said was like that with everyone. I don’t think it’s fair that women are expected to do things like that while men are awkwardly quiet throughout the whole ordeal. I think even most women don’t really feel the need to moan but because of the expectations sometimes we learn to just make noise if it feels even remotely nice for a second and I think if it was equal between us, it’s not a bad thing since so many of us find moaning a huge turn on. It’s not exactly like I enjoy our sex that much but I enjoy being physical because it’s with him and I care about him so much, so of course naturally I want to have sex with him. He said I’m the first one that he hasn’t been able to make cum which makes me feel really bad, but honestly I’ve never been able to with penetration alone, I can cum of course but not from his doing, but now I feel inferior to the other girls he’s seen in that way, since it must be a turn off for him (although I’m making that assumption myself and he’s never said that). His technique is pretty much just put it in and thrust in one way, one position for like half an hour and that’s it, so he’s not exactly skilled at this sort of thing either, I’d like for both of us to learn. He said he doesn’t want us to fake it and I agree, but especially for myself I know that sometimes it just takes a bit of something (maybe moaning a bit and making it sound better than it actually is to get me in the mood and to get me out of my shell and then I can really be comfortable, then it actually does feel good because something has put me more in the mood). I’m shy so I don’t want to start whaling and sound fucking weird, but I do try to let him know when it feels good, that I need him, what I like, etc. Are some guys just really like that? Like they never feel the need to moan that much or make much noise even if the sex is great? When we have sex too he doesn’t look at me that much, he says it’s because he doesn’t want to cum too early but I tried to reassure him that I’m okay if he does that, I just want to see him enjoying it like I try to enjoy it, I want to know that he can cum quickly to see if I actually turn him on enough, but it seems to be difficult to get him to understand. I just wanna see some emotion and lust in him XD Let me add too that he is most likely on the ASD spectrum and waiting for that diagnosis, so I don’t believe there are any terrible motivations (like he doesn’t find me attractive at all, or is hidding kinks or whatever), I think he maybe struggles to realise a lot of what he likes and how to communicate it, how to act during sex (he can be a bit awkward even though he’s not nervous) or maybe sex really just is a very basic thing to him? I want to explore a lot more, try new things out. Sex isn’t always as pleasurable for women so although I love it, I want to make it more interesting and stimulating for me too. He says he’s up for trying these things but whenever we have sex we don’t – I think I have to straight up ask for these things otherwise he doesn’t remember at the time, but this can be a mood killer for me as it makes me feel like I’m the only enthusiastic one. Even if he says ‘do you want to switch position’ I’ll say yes and suggest doggy or something but then he carries on doing what he was doing (maybe it really does just feel good for him to be in missionary? He said before that’s his favourite. Asking him to do doggy when my legs hurt or when I wanna switch it up seems to be a struggle even though he also likes that position too). I know it’s not an issue of him being nervous, he doesn’t really get nervous about this kind of thing, he seems comfortable around me. So are we just not sexually compatible? I think a lot of the comparing I do with his past partner is all in my head because I can’t bring myself to accept that a guy just isn’t as into sex as me, for him it’s like a basic function but for me it’s like a fun side hobby that I’d like to explore, although that sounds weird AF. I’m assuming they had amazing wild sex, but the reality is most likely he did the same with her but maybe she was louder than me or something? How tf do I get over this? It feels so strange being the more invested one for once. He said that he loves how much I care about sex….but now I’m left feeling like I’m missing out and being unfulfilled 🙁 I love him so much I don’t want to break up over something so ridiculous, in other ways I think he is a good bf to stick with, but I think I underestimated how much this would impact my satisfaction in the relationship since I’m so used to guys being the one who are usually more invested in this kinda stuff. What should I do guys??? I’m a bit drained now being with someone who isn’t as enthusiastic about this part of life as I am, but I can’t make him enthusiastic too if this is just how he sees sex with anyone he’s been with. I’m thinking neither of us are really the problem here, we’re just two different people in this sense but I want to make the best effort I can to make it work if it’s possible.
2 comments
Ok so you need to step back and get a little more basic on this, which you kinda do near the end there. What is sex and attraction, what is libido and sex drive, what is ASD. He has a different libido than you are used to, and quite honestly it’s different than what the media pushes as “all men are crazy about sex”. He enjoys sex with you, as he did with his previous partner, but it really ends there for him. Sex is fun for him, but it’s not mind blowing for him and probably never will be because he just doesn’t have the libido making him crave it. You and I crave sex, a tease gets our adrenaline going, moaning is our siren song to thrust a little harder or choke a little longer, sometimes we want it rough enough that we dig nails into their back, sometimes we want it soft enough to make us beg for it. He doesn’t crave sex, he is happy enough with it vanilla and mild and being identical each time. He agrees to try things because tomorrow never comes, why change a good thing. There is a quite a range of libido and anybody can be low libido, just like anybody can be high libido. Having a “dead bedroom” is where the relationship is great but sex is lacking or nonexistent, typically because of a large difference in libido.
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>he once said sex with one of his exes was ‘great’ and a few minutes later said our was ‘pretty good’
You are focusing on this wayyyy too much. He likes sex. He wasn’t blown away from sex with her, and he isn’t with you. It’s who he is. He is happy to be with you, he’s not thinking about sex with her and comparing the two of you, you need to stop doing that. You are pushing him really hard to want sex as bad as you want it. You made him compare the sex with her and now are picking apart his adjectives which are basically the same. For him sex isn’t important, the person is.
> if it actually felt good for him he would want to moan for me too
Incorrect. You are now comparing him to yourself and comparing him to your previous partners. Each of us is different. You love the spontaneity of new positions and toys and tricks and primal animal noises. He likes sex in one position with one goal, all the other stuff is just complicating it when it all feels the same to him. You even admit that your moaning is a habit from expectations.
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>I’m thinking neither of us are really the problem here, we’re just two different people. Now I’m left feeling like I’m missing out and being unfulfilled. It’s not exactly like I enjoy our sex that much but I enjoy being physical because it’s with him.
You want him to want you, unfortunately you can’t change his libido. He likes having sex with you because it’s a way to be intimate. You like being intimate with him and hope it will lead to better sex. You said he might be on the spectrum, that also means that he isn’t as emotional in the normal range such as empathy, libido, attraction, expectations. He is a lot more rational, you are a lot more emotional. You already are the best sex for him, but if he’s not the best sex for you then you might be happier in another relationship. You have a lot of anxiety surrounding the lack of sexual desire from him, that anxiety is bad for both of you. Sex is very important to match up on in a relationship.
You definitely need to stop thinking about what sex ‘should be like’, and concentrate on what if zctually is like with someone you care about and who cares about you. You’re basing your expectations on what happens in porn, and I’d venture, so we’re your previous partners. Only moan if you feel like moaning, explore ways of getting yourself to cum with him. It’s quite likely his previous partners were doing the same as you, even faking an odgasm to encourage him. A relationship is based on communication, and there’s no better way to communicate than through mutual enjoyment of unscripted sex.