We’ve been dating for 8 years. After everything that’s happened with us (not going to get into it, can read my posts if wanted), it’s time to consider ending it.
Last night, we have a very large argument. Whenever we fight (big or small), he says such rude and hurtful things towards me. For example:
“If you weren’t even moderately attractive people would have no interest in you, Useless mute, Shit girlfriend that doesn’t do the bare minimum, You have no personality and you’re miserable to be around” I can go on…
I didn’t want to be home, so I got in my car and left for a bit. After I left last night and when I went to work this morning, he sent me messages such as:
“I love you and I’m glad you’re home. I was really worried when I saw you leave with no coat. I wish I could make things better”
“I hope you have a good day at work and a good workout if you’re going. Stay warm.”
I feel like I’m somewhat attached to him, like I can’t let go. I’m so mad and hurt still, but it’s hard when he’s trying to be nice. It makes me second guess breaking up when I know it’s the right thing to do.
How do I stick to it without feeling like an ass for breaking up when he’s trying to be nice??
Tl;dr : bf tries to be nice after toxic fight (love bomb?) and it’s hard to stick with my guns to break up.
8 comments
8 years is hard because it’s out of comfort…but you need to take yourself out of that situation and remind yourself that it’s for the best. The only reason to stay with him is if you both seek therapy for this and consider making the change immediately if you two want to stay together but if you feel nothing is changing and it’s only getting worse, it’s time to step away. Break up with him and block him on everything and don’t respond to him if he tries to reach out. It’ll hurt for a bit but you’ll be able to do it.
Write down every reason you’re leaving him, every nasty thing he’s said about you. Refer to it every time he tries to be sweet to get you back.
So, the language he’s using towards you *is* abusive. And no one would stay with someone like that very long if it were constantly bad, that’s why there’s the cycle: abuse, honeymoon behavior, tension building, abuse, etc. The abuse will always come back around, the sweet words don’t mean anything in the long run, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. Ever. Becoming aware of that can make it much easier to break free.
Read “Why Does He Do That?” (free PDF is readily available) and look up more information on the cycle of abuse generally.
“I need someone who can treat me with respect even when we disagree. You’re not it. I’m not interested in trying any longer.”
Hun he called you miserable, useless to be around, and other trash insults. You know you are better than this. Stay strong.
Why don’t you just block him?
You think the nice person is the real man, and the abusive one is just an overreaction, accident, due to stress, anger, whatever the excuse is. The fact is that the abuser is the real man and the niceness is a mask he puts on whenever he senses you pulling away. He keeps it on just long enough to suck you back in so he can start abusing you again. Lather, rinse, repeat. It will never change until *you* change it by taking yourself out of the cycle. Leave him.
He’s not being nice though. He’s doing the bare minimum to keep you around, that’s all.