My boyfriend took me out on Saturday and we had a great time, he’s always great too me. He made a joke about having two and a half dads because Two and a Half men was playing at the bar, (He met his biological dad after getting a DNA test a few years ago when he was 21, and learned the guy who neglected him as a kid wasn’t actually his dad. His mom also recently got married so he has a step dad.) and the conversation turned into a talk about kids.
He joked about naming his future son “TeePain” so 12 might think he’s a celebrity and let him go with a warning, since they think we all look the same anyway. He followed it up with “after we prove he’s mine”. I stopped him and asked him to clarify what he meant and he responded with saying he will require a DNA test no matter how loyal I am. We went back and forth on this for a minute, I felt betrayed that he would need proof that I was loyal to him and only him, and he wouldn’t budge in his stance.
I went to the bathroom and called an Uber and only came out to get into the car and leave. He tried calling me a few times and I blocked his number to give myself time to process.
Yesterday, Sunday, I got up and checked my phone to see he had blocked me on Snap, insta, twitter, Facebook, and blocked my number back. I knew I had fucked up so I drove to his apartment. He let me in and told me to sit down.
He explained that after my reaction he does not trust me, and is considering cutting me off. I told him I would do anything he needs to feel comfortable and to trust me again, and I know I should have been more sensitive considering his background. He didn’t want to hear it. He asked me repeatedly if I’ve ever cheated and of course I haven’t but he wouldn’t believe me. He told me about how traumatic learning his whole life was a lie is, how he grew up alone and abused only to learn he has 5 half siblings who are all close. He ranted about being robbed of his childhood because of irresponsible adults and said he would not do the same. I understood and agreed with him, but it didn’t make it better.
He asked me to leave and said he’d contact me with what he decides, and said he’ll unblock me if he wants to talk. I got him some of his favorite food and left it at his door.
I sat on my couch crying all day. We’ve been together 2 years and he’s been so great. He inspires so much, I do want to give him a child one day. He even paid my rent for the first semester I started school in August so I didn’t have to worry. He has a pretty good online following and makes really great music, and I know he could find someone else easily if he wanted too. I don’t know what to do, I can’t lose him, I have never known a man as kind hearted and sweet as he is. He literally volunteers and teaches free music classes to kids almost every week. He’s so comically good, his mom jokes that he’s an Al. I don’t know what I want to get out of posting this here. I hope he sees this and he knows I’m sorry.
Edit: A top comment is claiming I edited this post and added text. A moderator should be able to confirm that’s not true. Any edits I make will appear here.
A big difference I see in the comments is men saying “This is not a trust issue, DNA tests are just for peace of mind.”
And women saying “DNA test means he does not trust you”.
47 comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
—-
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why are you apology to someone who doesn’t trust you at all and said he’d need a DNA test if you got pregnant? Seriously. It’s his issue that he’s not addressing with a therapy but is expecting you to allow him to constantly question your loyalty. Which you do allow and even make excuses. We all have stuff. He needs a address his stuff with a professional instead of asking you to excuse all his bad behaviors. I’m sober. I don’t ask anyone to abstain around me because it’s my issue which I address in AA. Don’t apologize for things you haven’t done. You should have walked out. He blocked you because you did. He needs to fix his stuff and quit spewing his anger and trust issues all over you.
Don’t be too sorry. He has massive trust issues that he would be partly to blame.
If you both had children wouldn’t they be planned? Would you both be married? Someone making name jokes doesn’t sound mature. He’s indirectly accusing you of possible cheating which means he doesn’t trust you. That’s a problem.
Blocking him wasn’t mature either with him equally playing blocking games. You both need to behave like adults and not teenagers.
If his goal is to have a stable life and be there for his children. He needs to show that character and determination.
Yeah, just blocking your partner of 2 years isn’t a healthy way to talk out a disagreement.
I can understand why you felt hurt about him wanting a DNA test if you fell pregnant, however considering the fact that you know his past and what he’s been through. I think there was room for less of a reaction. I’m not saying he’s right to want it, or that you shouldn’t feel hurt. But your reaction was way over the top.
Honestly, if I were him, I probably wouldn’t want to date you after that either . ~~3 days of~~ Being blocked as a “punishment” wouldn’t be the type of person I want to be with either.
edit due to either my inability to read correctly, or OP editing her post.
Ok, your reaction to block him for 2 days is really bad and needs work, that’s not a way to treat a healthy relationship. I can understand why you felt the way you did, him questioning you like that. Also his life is pretty traumatic when it comes to bio parents and DNA. So maybe if it works out for y’all consider alowing him the test but you don’t want to hear about him doing it or him getting the results. He can do it on his own time and keep the results to himself. But yeah the blocking games is very immature. And both your reactions are valid for all that has transpired.
I may be the minority, but I 100% support paternity tests, even with married couples. Way too often people find out someone lied. If you have nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue.
There have been relationships that have ended because husbands or boyfriends didn’t trust their SO. You aren’t the first or last. The silver lining in this is that you are finding this out now instead of being blind sided while pregnant.
Both of your feelings are valid. You do have a right to feel insulted. He obviously has trust issues because the adults in his life failed him. That’s not something you can fix only he can do that.
The real question is would you want to paternity test EVERY kid with this man?
The way you both handled it is not that great. You apologized for your reaction but does it change how you feel about it?
Never understood why people get mad over a simple test
As a woman myself I understand men wanting paternity tests. Women always know 100% the child is theirs no matter if there has been cheating or not. Men don’t truly have that 100% certainty and obviously it has backfired on plenty of families big time. I feel like it should be standard procedure.
It seems like you’ve done what you can and the ball is in his court. I personally wouldn’t wait around for it. (Easier said than done I know…) Sure blocking him probably wasn’t the best idea, but he blocked you back, which was just as over the top. He also should have brought up the paternity test conversation a lot more tactfully and respectfully.
It sounds like you’ve discovered that neither one of you has healthy communication strategies if he blocked you on *everything* because you blocked his phone number for two days instead of asking him to give you space.
You break up with him beings he doesn’t trust or respect you. End of story.
Edited for spelling
You sound like you have a fair bit of growing up to do.
You don’t just block partners because you’ve had an argument wtf.
Honestly this guy doesn’t trust you, and he told you that he never will trust you. I don’t know if I would want to go forward with him after that. It sounds like he had a traumatic childhood and blames that on women in general, it’s not your fault. Your gut reaction was probably the correct one; you were feeling close and trusting of him, but he wasn’t feeling that close or trusting of you.
Yea you messed up big time. He was acting ridiculous by blocking you in retaliation but you did start it.
There really is nothing you can do to fix this. You showed who you really are. You left him at the bar because you got mad and then blocked the guy. Who does that?
He really shouldnt take you back. You need some help. Maybe therapy? These sorts of emotionally unhinged behaviors will not serve you. You will continue to wreck relationships if you dont gain some control
It’s his right, just like how men don’t have a say when women want to abort. Especially in this day and age.
Women should not be insulted by a paternity test. It is the ultimate “I told you so” and it assures the man that this is his child. Sometimes kids don’t look like their fathers and some men get insecure. If a woman loves her husband, she should do it for his peace of mind.
Info: Is this the first time you’ve blocked him/given him the silent treatment?
I wouldn’t crawl back to someone who clearly said he doesn’t trust me and will never trust me, but you do you boo
Personally, I see trust as essential in a relationship and couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who has such deep trust issues. I’d also have trouble being in a relationship with someone who would block me instead of asking for space or talking things out when issues arise. But it seems like you think highly of him, more highly than he thinks of you due to his trust issues, so if you really want to keep someone like him, I guess you just have suppress that little voice inside that says you deserve respect and you deserve to be trusted. Lower your self-esteem a bit to comfort him psychologically. And no matter who you are with now or in the future, you have to be able to communicate effectively with no blocking.
He isn’t wrong for wanting a paternity test. So many guys are completely fooled into raising another man’s child. They had no idea until it was too late.
Your reaction definitely does look very suspicious. Overreaction and deflection are big flags for cheaters when they are accused. This relationship may be done and you probably want to consider moving on and learning a lesson from this.
That lesson is, just in case you didn’t get it still, if a problem comes up talk it out reasonably and level-headed. Don’t go storming off like a petulant child and giving the silent treatment.
The guy I’m seeing right now raised a kid that wasn’t his for a FULL YEAR. He thought she was loyal to him and only him. He had 0 suspicions and only found out because they split up and a paternity test was part of the custody negotiations. He told me upfront in the first week that if he was long term with anybody and they got pregnant whether they’d been together a month or 20 years he wanted a paternity test. Not as a fuck you to the woman he was with but because he’s now jaded and doesn’t want resentment to grow between him and his future wife because of that little voice in his head and if I wasn’t ok with that then he wasn’t the man for me.
I see paternity tests the same way I see prenups. You hope you’ll stay together forever but you get a piece of paper in case that doesn’t work out the way you planned. That way if you do split up there isn’t months wasted trying to get a paternity test in a custody battle. We as women have no doubt the kid is ours except in cases the kid gets switched at birth. Despite this a very common symptom of PPD is a nagging feeling that the baby is an imposter or doesn’t belong. Yet we expect men to sit here with the same (irrational and sometimes rational) thoughts and feelings and keep their mouth shut about it to avoid hurting our feelings.
> I do want to give him a child one day.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, you DON’T owe a man or anyone a child!
Fellas, fellas, fellas, you DON’T owe a woman or anyone a child!
You both sound exhausting, but I will say it isn’t your fault nor your problem that he has his own issues with paternity. I wouldn’t want to date/have a child with a man who was so distrusting, but I also wouldn’t want to date/have a child with another person who blocks me at the first sign of an uncomfortable conversation.
Both of you shouldn’t have kids for a long time if ever.
I don’t see a problem with getting a DNA test done…I definitely can understand it would sting, but this world is a fucked up place where people do fucked up things.
It’s just reassurance because in his past things have been unpredictable! If he thought you were cheating he’d bring it up…and cheating with the end of a relationship is a big deal…but raising a child you think is yours to find out it’s not would be a WAY bigger deal. Just have him pay for it and he can have peace of mind!
The way I see it I don’t understand why Women are so offended by men wanting a DNA test. Think of all of the men and children that found out years later that they were not the father. The dad they thought they knew was not the father all because the women was a good actor and the man thought he could trust her. I am saying wether you trust her or not a DNA test should be mandatory. On the flip side of that mandatory DNA tests could be dangerous for cheating women of abusive partners so it would be nice if instead people just didn’t get offended and complied willingly
Honestly the dynamic in this relationship doesn’t sound great. I personally don’t want to be in a relationship where they set all the rules because you have to grovel to be his person.
He has trust issues. Is he willing to work on them with you, or is it his way or the highway? Are there other ways that this shows? Can he have female friends but you can’t have male friends?
I think there isn’t enough information in your post.
So… he said a pretty reasonable thing, especially so considering his circumstances, and you got up, left blocked him and ghosted him and then once he did the same thing – BECAUSE YOU GHOSTED HIM – you reacted like he’s ending two year relationship. Sister, you ended it. You killed his trust, leave him alone.
DNA tests should be routine and required by law.
[deleted]
Run. This man has a ton of unresolved issues that he’s bleeding all over you. He needs therapy and you don’t need this drama.
The fact that you came crawling back apologizing when he’s the one who made a bad joke in the first place. You blocked his phone number, he retailiated by blocking you everywhere. You go to him and he rants and chastizes you. He doesn’t trust you not to cheat. And then you top it off by bringing him his favorite food…hun, stop.
This is not a healthy relationship and I honestly don’t think either of you can recover from this. It’s not your fault entirely. Especially because he brought this up completely unprompted. I don’t blame you for getting offended and upset.
Given his background you responded poorly. I had thought you were way younger because you blocked him…
Im not sure why you over reacted. If you love him and would do anything why did you act this way over a conversation?
To be clear you are allowed to not like the fact he would want a paternity tests, and he is allowed to want one. Did he go about it the right way? No. But what you did just nuked your relationship good luck.
If pre nups are valid so are paternity tests
Y’all really need to work on your communication skills, my lord 😭
In my opinion I think both of you are in the wrong and I think both of you could have handled this better. He should have realized his past trauma has nothing to do with your faithfulness and your commitment to him and he shouldn’t have made a comment like that and you shouldn’t have stormed off and left in a Uber and then blocked him. Honestly that was very childish on your part and I honestly feel like you did that to just hurt him and make a scene, but how to fix it? Honestly I think you should just give him space give him a couple of days to clear his head and realize what he said hurt you. If you two were together long enough he’ll be thinking about you regardless if he’s the one that broke it off and he’ll think about what he did wrong eventually. If he unblocks you just text him every now and then reminding him you love him and miss him but don’t over do it. Don’t blow him up just maybe a message here and there, remind him of the good things of the relationship and remind him of the things you shared. But you need to both work on communication if it works out
Edit: don’t get me wrong you’re feelings are justified I would have been upset too if my significant other said that to me. I think it’s unfair of him to submit you to a dna test because of his past trauma. That’s unfair to you and that’s something he needs to realize that has nothing to do with you and he needs to seek therapy for it.. where I think you messed up is by walking away with no explanation and ghosting him. As partners you need to communicate and understand eachother. You needed to communicate the best you could as to why that hurt you and he needed to try to understand that and that goes the other way. You need to try to understand why he would say something like that
I love how split everyone is on this issue
Almost all the women are saying “this guy is showing a ton of red flags and needs therapy, be happy its over”
And almost all the men are saying “you fucked up by being immature, im glad he got rid of you”
Both of you need to grow up and please don’t have kids until you do. My 4 and 7 year old act more mature than you two.
> I went to the bathroom and called an Uber and only came out to get into the car and leave. He tried calling me a few times and I blocked his number to give myself time to process.
you got what you deserved, let him make his decisions
You don’t know how to communicate and handle disagreements.
Don’t make the same mistake with the next guy. While a woman is always certain that the child she gave birth to is his…guys don’t get to have the same certainty that the child their partner gave birth to is his. Rejecting a paternity test is a red flag…since even a reasonable person can have grounds for requesting it.
Haha maybe you should both grow up and stop blocking each other before you think about having kids 😂😂
There’s nothing wrong with a man requiring a DNA test for potential children. We women, we know if there is more than one potential father and a man does not, they only have our word. Personally I think that paternity tests should be mandatory, so no man would even have to request one.
All kids should be DNA tested. Because this is fair to both partners. And fair to the child as well.
Just a story, I will try to make it brief. One of my H’s BFF’s loved the idea of kids and marriage. He met a woman at a party, had sex, and 6 months later she shows up, says she is pregnant and he is the dad. Everyone he knows says this woman is sketchy and he needs a DNA test. He ignores all of us and marries the woman. 4 kids later they divorce and then he DNA tests the kids and learns 3 of them are not his. Too late, he already signed papers claiming paternity. He lived in a car for the next decade because he had to pay CS on 4 kids. Ruined his life.
I can understand him wanting one and you being upset at him wanting one. Blocking people and giving them the silent treatment to punish them is considered abusive and immature. It is ok to ask for space to think about things. Remember this for future relationships.
What in the absolute DARVO did I just read?!?
No, hon – you were well within your rights to be upset. The blocking of one another seems a bit far for me, but I’m an old lady so I’m just going to put that down to a generational thing.
Anyway, I digress – he’s flipped the script on you here. You were rightfully upset to find out he doesn’t trust you, and now he’s made you sweat he’s trying to use that against you in a mental gymnastics Olympic final.
If he’s got trust issues he needs a therapist, it’s not fair to put all his baggage on you.