My wife and I have been married for a few years. When I met her, she didn’t have a driver’s license or GED/high school diploma and worked at a hospital cafeteria. Now, she has her DL & is about to earn her bachelor’s degree, part-time student (3 classes) and works as a teacher’s assistant full time. She was stuck in this shell of insecurity and has come out since we met. Unfortunately, she comes home very tired from the education job alone, working with 3rd graders, and given her education requires a lot of reading assignments, they take up a ton of her time and she expresses an urgency to finish her education despite us having a talk about slowing it down since she complains a lot about the process. As a result, we don’t get to spend much quality time together and it has taken its toll on our relationship. I’m usually the one who is placed last on her list of things to attend to when she’s equally up there with all that I have to do. Am I being selfish? Should I suck it up until she’s done so she can get back to where the relationship was? She still has about another 18 months of this and I wonder if I can hack it. I love her very much but I miss where the relationship used to be. Any advice please.
5 comments
I hate to say it but once she gets a teaching job, it won’t get much better. New teachers tend to go overboard with spending lots of time outside of contract hours doing school work.
She’s pursuing a career, sacrifice will have to be made. I’ve been sacrificing for 7 years now. Before that my husband did when I was in college and studying abroad and working full time.
You’re not wrong to want quality time and it’s hard to balance. But you both have to communicate and sacrifice to make it happen. It will balance out in time, she will learn work life balance.
Have a plan, set aside a scheduled date night and stick to it. (Every 3rd Friday or whatever) it gets better.
Well of course there’s sacrifices that need to be made. Clearly being with you has given her confidence to succeed and move forward with her life positively so you should feel proud to have been that kind of partner for her.
That being said, I’m sure she’s busy and has a lot on her plate, but that doesn’t mean she can’t make time for you and your marriage. Date nights, maybe spend 15 minutes before bed turning off phones and no work and just cuddle and talk about the day. Find ways to be intimate, a nice kiss when you’ve arrived home to greet it other, back rubs, taking a bath together, hold hands more often, etc. these are things that don’t take long at all, but can strengthen your bond even when you guys are busy. And look, these are things I don’t even do with my husband, we have two young kids and every day feels like we are in survival mode. We get along and love each other, but goodness is it hard work to enjoy your marriage when there’s so much outside pressures and things to be done.
Definitely talk to her. Let her know how you’re feeling. Let her know you’re proud of them and are inspired by their work ethic, but that you have some emotional needs too, and that you’ll both make more effort to be intentional with your time.
> Am I being selfish?
No. You just want to preserve your marriage.
You can only be an afterthought for so long.
Additionally, if she can’t prioritize you when things are hectic – it means that you simply are not a priority to her.
Maybe she doesn’t mean to be this way. Maybe she’d like to prioritize her husband and marriage. But right now, she isn’t.
Women get put on the back burner a lot when their husband’s are off building their careers.
So I’m sure there’s plenty of women who relate to this. However telling her to haul her progress isn’t the answer. She needs to prioritize your relationship without jeopardizing her future career.
Simple things like having coffee on Sundays together or taking a 30 minute study break to hang out is doable and she’ll need to understand that.
Have you suggested anything other than slowing down her school and work? Bc frankly that sounds like “stop pursuing your dreams bc I have needs” and that IS selfish.
Wanting to safe guard the relationship through a busy hectic time isn’t selfish. So be careful with how you suggest things.