I (35M) met a woman (35F) about four years ago. We dated casually for about 6 weeks and then she broke it off as soon as I broached the topic of where she saw our relationship going. For context, we had both just moved back from living abroad for a few years (me 2.5, her 6). We were both in a moment of transition and to be honest I was not ready to be in a relationship then. In hindsight I am happy it didn’t work out as I had a lot of work to do on myself at that time.
Flash forward to 4 months ago. We reconnected. Since we had already known each other intimately and still had chemistry, things were moving fast and had gone really well up until recently.
Here lies my issue. She let me know quite early after reconnecting that she was planning to go back to Australia to visit her friend from when she lived there. She then disclosed that this friend is her former partner that she had originally moved there to be with him when she was 24. She says they broke up a year and a half into when she lived there. Together for 4. Before her visa was up they got together and decided to still be friends. She swears it is completely platonic and that she has no romantic feelings for him anymore. They have been still going on vacation with each other every 1-2 years since and will continue to do so. I told her I needed to process this as I thought it was strange and needed to think about how I feel about it. We didn’t talk about it again until today.
My issue is that I think it is really weird to go on a three week vacation with your ex. They’ll be sharing rooms, doing lots of activities together, travelling to a place that I think is a very romantic location and will be staying for a bit at the apartment they used to share. I just think the whole thing is strange. I don’t understand how somebody could be platonic friends with their ex like that. As someone who has also fallen in love abroad, I can’t fathom going to visit that person in this context for that amount of time.
We planned on having a serious chat today to check in on the relationship and I told her that this situation makes me incredibly uncomfortable and if we were to continue dating this would have to be the last trip like this they do together as my expectation is we do those things as a couple going forward. She then basically said that they had been friends for over ten years and she wasn’t willing to respect that boundary of mine. So we broke up.Did I make the right decision on following through with my boundary about her going on vacations with her ex partner?
TL:DRI just broke up with my girlfriend because of her very close friendship with her ex partner. They are going on a three week vacation together and plan on doing more travelling together in the future. Did I make the right decision?
EDIT: For context, as far as I am aware they would not be sharing the same bed. They would just be sharing hotel rooms and she would be sleeping at his apartment. Whether she would be sleeping in his bed is not information I was or wasn’t given.
47 comments
You made the right decision for you.
Yes, it is a very strange arrangement that they have. One assumes they would continue to have these holidays together in the future. I can’t see too many women being comfortable with their b/f going on holiday with his ex in the same way that you were not comfortable. Does he not have a partner either? It might work if you travelled with her and he took his partner too – a joint holiday with two couples might be acceptable. There is also the matter of what happens if you want to go on a holiday with her? Can she afford these hypothetical alternating holidays?
Everyone is different, but most people would be uncomfortable with this arrangement.
Yes you made the right decision. She has unfinished business with her ex. It’s too much to expect your partner to accept this extra person in the relationship when you should be building memories and experiences together.
Yes!!! You most certainly did the right thing! When I met my now bf (now husband), and realized I loved him, all extra curricular activity with other men ended immediately. I’m also very proud of you!!!
There is absolutely no way that relationship is platonic. You dodged a bullet.
My read on this is that you found a woman who’s bad at serious relationships but great at casual ones. So if you want to see her every once in a while for adventures and fun… go for it. If you want a committed relationship, seek elsewhere.
Flying across the world to sleep in your ex’s bed for 3 weeks is a pretty big red flag.
You did make the right choice. Imagine if you two got married. Every year your wife would go on a trip with some other guy that isn’t family. What about if you two had kids. How do you explain to your kids that mommy is away for a week every year without the family? You didn’t make the wrong choice here.
Yes. Who needs the drama.
You did the right thing. Going on a vacation with your ex when you are in a new relationship isn’t cool or normal. I guess she got dumped by him and he is still getting some benefits from her.
Share rooms platonically for 3 weeks on vacation with an ex. Lol no fucking way. She is waiting for him to propose to her and he is gets to bang his Ex for a couple weeks every other year. Good riddance. I would never consider any relationship with this women other the FWB.
You definitely did the right thing. Good job standing up for yourself.
Yes. I don’t know who she is kidding, but them sharing a room together is the biggest indicator that they aren’t finished with each other. Let her go and know you would have just been making yourself nuts to continue on with her. I’m sorry that you had to go through this at all. I think sometimes people do realize that they are better as friends, but others are just not admitting that they can’t let go. She definitely sounds in the latter category.
If she thinks she is going to keep this tradition, she may quickly run out of fish in her pond.
You were dating a woman who has shown you she will go back to someone she broke up with( you) and rekindle a relationship. She wants to spend 3 weeks in the same bed with a long time former bf. . She refuses to consider your very reasonable boundaries. . Where do you think you made a mistake by ending this relationship? She isn’t ready for a real relationship.
She let you know her ex will always come first. You are smart enough to opt out. In a relationship you should always put each other first—at least in any relationship I’d want.
U made the right decision
Yes u did. People like her confuse the hell out of me. Very disrespectful to you. I’m glad you stood ur grown and did now allow her to over step ur boundaries. Keep doing that, don’t settle for anything less towards anyone or anything.
You literally wanted the bare minimum and she couldn’t respect that. That should be a foreshadow of a long term relationship with her. When she comes back from her trip she prob will want to touch base with you, Zont zo it, it’s a trap. Zont fall for it. Tell her time marches forward and she’s history girl bye
Absolutely, you did for your boundaries. Hive five!! She stated that she’s not willing to respect your boundaries and you guys go separate ways, totally normal.
Everyone has their own point of view, if the two of you are unable to reach consensus and it’s not something can be work on. Then find someone share the same or can accept this point of view of yours. Good luck!!
You did the right thing. But most importantly you did the healthy thing. You found an issue and told her it was a deal breaker.
There are way too many people silently (or not so silently) suffering because they don’t communicate boundaries. Congratulations to you. You absolutely did the right thing.
When I started dating my current partner, his ex still lived with him. She got a residency visa based on their partnership- they’d fizzled out by then, but went ahead with the application.
From his end, he said that they were always better as friends than lovers, and he didn’t bother asking her to move out because she was an easy flatmate. They went together to Europe for 4 weeks- this was like a month after I’d met him, they’d already had the holiday planned. Then they went to Fiji a bit later down the track, another already planned trip.
His house had two very separate areas (it was sorta L shaped- one end was master bedroom with an ensuite, and an office “parents end” where she lived, then shared living room/kitchen, then the other end was a door, another lounge, two smaller (kids’) bedrooms, and main bathroom… So they could easily cohabit without getting into each others’ privacy…
He initially didn’t tell me she was an ex- he didn’t even really think of her that way- I was unimpressed to find out, although by then I’ve seen enough of their interactions to see that there was really nothing there. I was coming over and staying most weekends and my biggest complaint was that she left crumbly unwashed chopping board on the bench all the time 😀
The weird part was that when we started to be more serious she made no moves towards finding another place to live and move out… And she was a very awkward human, but was borderline rude to me when my partner wasn’t around.
Then him and I started making plans to move in together, so he asked her to look for another place. She guilt tripped him- apparently this came as a shock and “this was home”. Really, it was rent free accomodation where she only pitched in for bills without any plans for savings for her own place…..
In January (2016) he gave her a deadline- my lease was ending in July and I was moving in. I kid you not, she only moved out the week I was moving in… Her shit was still in the garage when I moved for another few weeks.
I was getting a bit sick of her stalling. He was getting pretty sick of it. We avoided fights, but it was a close thing since it was putting a bit of strain on things (she wasn’t replacing her bunny’s water and the poor thing would go thirsty which made me kinda hate her).
While my partner clearly had no feelings lingering for her, I think she might have had some lingering feelings for him, and harbored hopes. Nothing was ever going to come of it, but it was weird she just stuck around for so long…
There was some idea of them being friends, but she’d known me for about a year and half and never made any effort whatsoever- I was willing for my partner to have the occasional catch up with her (as long as it wasn’t in our home so I could avoid her). I think they might have exchanged one or two emails. And that was the end of it. Haven’t heard from her for about 6 years now. And frankly that’s the way it should stay.
They didn’t really have anything to do together because most of the things they might have done before in way of hanging out (whether concert or movie or trip) he now does with me.
I think it’s pretty generous that you’re okay with them still having this holiday if it’s already booked. But planning another decade of holidays together without you is frankly not okay. Your boundary is perfectly reasonable, and if she’s not okay with it then you’re simply not well suited as a couple. (And I’m siding with you).
Definitely did the right thing. I’m friends with someone I hooked up with once, my husband knows, but I’m not friends with my ex’s and I would never leave my partner to go on vacation with them every year. My husband and I got engaged in 5 months and 3+ years in I would still never consider it or all that of him. That’s super weird. It seems like she enjoys casual relationships and is still dating around and not ready to settle into something monogamous and committed for years to come.
In case you’re wondering and as an Aussie…..No it is not the norm for relationships here either, I think she proved to you she’s not ready for a serious relationship and they can have each other
You did the right thing
It’s not normal and she will find that out too. I feel sorry for her. At some point, her friend will drop her like a hot pocket when he finds a serious gf and she will have given up potential relationships and future family of her own for this so called friendship.
Trust your instincts. They are spot on!
Updateme! Remindme! 3 days
[fff](https://www.reddit.com/u/NoIrishNeedApply?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
If that’s how you feel, then yes, of course it was the right decision.
Of course you did the right thing. When you’re in a relationship you’re in a relationship with the one person, not in a relationship with the one person and your ex.
She’s insane if she thinks any guy with a modicum of self-respect will put up with that crap. She’ll either move back to Australia and her ex permanently or she’ll be a very lonely woman when she gets older.
You meanwhile can look for someone who will fully commit to making your relationship work. All the best.
Honestly with stories like this it could go either way. They could be friends that truly just meet up every so often because they broke away amicably. They could also be the on-off type people who re-ignite every so often. I personally wouldn’t deal with someone like that just because it’s risky and I don’t want to invest myself into something that depends on their mood. Some people could deal with it and it could truly be as she said and work out well.
It was a deal breaker for you. So you broke up. Nothing weird about it.
It doesn’t matter whether the friend is or is not platonic, this is not something you’re comfortable with.
One day, her ex will find a girlfriend who will tell him to stop going on vacation with his ex and he will. I think she is hoping to rekindle things with him.
Yeah, of course you did. And no, not because I think she would cheat on you or isn’t to be trusted in another way.
It’s because it’s best for you. You made that boundary because you’re not okay with it, and you should stick to that boundary.
It’s very understandable that you don’t want her to be alone with her ex for a longer period of time. Even if you trust that she doesn’t have ill intentions and that they are just platonic friends, things can happen. You can trust her, but still not be okay with this.
It’s also understandable for her to want to go on vacation with her platonic friend (although she should bring her partner)
But if there isn’t a compromise that can be made, then you’re just not good for each other.
Yep good idea… I wouldn’t be happy if I had a partner and he was going on any kind of holiday with any woman that is not his immediate family.
I would definitely be very uncomfortable if my husband fucked off for a few weeks with his ex or even a female friend. My husband would also be very uncomfortable if I fucked off a few weeks with an ex or male friend. We all have different boundaries and you do what’s best for you and your mental health.
It’s an absolutely reasonable request for somebody to not spend extended periods of time, and vacations with their ex if they are currently in a relationship with you.
I had an ex-boyfriend, who I remained friends with and would visit once a year where he lived. He called me one day and told me that he had met somebody and that they were exclusive and that because of that he thought we should not talk anymore out of respect for his relationship. I totally agreed and respected his decision.
This was a mature and reasonable discussion and you didn’t see eye to eye, so you decided to end it. Yes. You absolutely did the right thing. It hurts to end a relationship that is going well, but this would have continued to bother you and, from an outside perspective, I get why it did. That’s at the very least a very unusual thing for exes to continue vacationing without current relationships being considered/involved. Definitely some baggage there.
Take some time and heal. You’ll find another love who is in it fully and wants to vacation with you and go do all the lovely things together.
Yes, you made the right decision.
Yes. It is absurd and outrageous to expect a monogamous partner to accept annual vacations with an ex.
Smart choice! No doubt, you put your feelings first. Find someone who respects you
You definitely made the right decision. Don’t question yourself about this and don’t change your mind.
Yeah even if everything was above board, you weren’t comfortable. It’s OK to set a boundary, and it’s OK for her to decide your boundary is a deal breaker.
Yeah hard pass mate
Yes you did the right thing. You established a boundary, she confirmed she would not honour that, and you parted.
It’ll suck for a while, and you’ll get more confident in setting boundaries.
If you don’t have kids with your ex, there’s no reason to be friends with them. People can bash me all they want. But once romantic, always romantic. Kind of like the saying once a cheater, always a cheater. You can’t just undo what’s already been done. Even if you don’t have sex, the chemistry will always be there. And it’s highly disrespectful to new partners. Grow up and move on, there’s a reason you didn’t work out to begin with. And it wasn’t because you thought your ex was ugly. So to remain friends because “things just didn’t work out” is such an odd excuse to want to hang onto the past lol.
If you can remain great friends with an ex, then why are they an ex? You’re supposed to be best friends with your partner. Don’t befriend an ex. It’s a toxic time bomb.
Yes. Both of you had expectations and boundaries.
You don’t want her to go on long annual vacations with an ex. It’s absolutely possible that she is only friends with this guy. However that doesn’t mean that you should roll over and be OK with her going on extended vacations with someone else. That is one of your boundaries and it’s a reasonable one.
At the same time, I don’t think she’s entirely unreasonable here either. She made sure that you knew about this ahead of time and that it would be non-negotiable. That said, she needs to expect that this will cause issues with dating and relationships. There aren’t a lot of people who would be comfortable with this – or remain comfortable.
I do have to question whether or not she’s hoping for something to rekindle OR if she’s in a “holding pattern” with this guy where he gets to experience her being a girlfriend without the responsibility or any actual relationship. That’s something she needs to examine. She also needs to question whether or not the vacations are worth sacrificing potential good relationships. I don’t know if yours would have worked out otherwise, but others may have. I doubt you’re the first one that broke up with her over this. I’m not saying she needs a relationship to be whole, but she needs to determine if this is all worth the hassle.
Yes, **you made the right decision!**
Is it possible for her to be *just* platonic friends with her ex? Yes!
Is *that* what’s going on here? Who knows?
Is it possible those 2 will just fall into bed together? Yes!
Would they then shine it off as no big deal because it’s just physical…no emotions? Possibly!
Either way, **your uncomfortableness with the situation is sufficient reason to end your relationship. Tell her this relationship is incompatible with your long-term goals.**
I think you made the right decision.
Lots of ex couples remain friends and even vacation together especially if there are shared children.
But THREE WEEKS?
That’s a little too far out there for me.
Just guessing but I think she wants the relationship back and is willing to ignore you in the hopes that things rekindle with ol boy. You did the right thing. Who goes on 3 week vacations with an ex while they are trying to build the foundation of stable relationship with someone else? Want to start a betting pool on how long before you hear from her that things are really done… because he found someone else and that chic wasn’t willing to put up with that bull?
Dodged a huge bullet there. Well done.