Background: my girlfriend has had many partners prior to me and while I can only speculate, I can assume her aversion to ejaculate isn’t just with me.
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But here is the thing, lately I’ve been more vocal about our sex life and how it’s not very exciting and have tried many times to talk to her about it and she clams up and changes the subject. So, we don’t seem to be making any progress. And sex seems to be less and less on her terms, the way she wants it.
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I’ve never expected her to be a porn star in the bedroom. I’ve never tried or asked about finishing on her chest or face. She finished me in her mouth once and knows how much I enjoyed that but hasn’t ever done it again. She rarely ever gives me oral. I love giving and receiving oral and recently brought it up, she said she doesn’t like precum, thinks cum is disgusting, and feels giving blowjobs is degrading. For the record, I know I’ve never done anything to make her feel degraded in the bedroom. Hearing her tell me she thinks cum is disgusting and bj’s degrading really killed a part of me that held on to the fantasy and hope that “this time, she might go down on me”.
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Also, I need to point out that I’m not a super in-shape guy, I’m not overweight, I’m very clean, showering once or sometimes twice a day, and I keep everything really well groomed… In other words, I don’t smell down there, I don’t have any weird rashes or skin conditions or anything that would otherwise be a turnoff, physically, to her at least.
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I’ve been patient with her, taking things at her pace, not initiating sex, not expecting sex, or doing sexual things together. But between her telling me she doesn’t like cum and then just yesterday I asked her (I don’t remember the context) about when I cum and does watch it release out of me (trying to be sensitive) as if I was doing it myself, does that gross her out and she said yeah, it does. And yet again, it made me feel gross and unattractive and like there was something wrong with me. I’ve lost all interest in sex with her now at this point. We’re supposed to move in together in a month or two and really, I’m not looking for a roommate, I want a partner who desires me inside and outside of the bedroom.
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I’ve tried talking to her about this and she promises she’ll try, she’ll work on it, etc. and when I bring it up, she shuts me down, says it’s weird, and doesn’t want to talk about it.
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I hear what she’s telling me: doesn’t like precum/cum on her body, hands, and mouth, doesn’t want to see it at all, doesn’t like giving oral, thinks it’s degrading, doesn’t like receiving oral because she can’t relax and enjoy it… I’m unsure what I can do to help her or if I could ever help her get over those hang-ups.
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My question is; has anyone here experienced those same (or similar) hang-ups and successfully gotten past it and now enjoys those parts of sex?
4 comments
>We’re supposed to move in together in a month or two and really, I’m not looking for a roommate, I want a partner who desires me inside and outside of the bedroom.
You need to abort mission on this asap. If your sex life is this bad before moving in, it’s not going to get better after moving in.
Before you move in you want to see major improvements in your communication at the very least. So, sex therapy, if you can afford it. She’s got a lot of sex negative hangups, and they aren’t going to go away on their own. She has to want to let go of them, and actually take concrete steps like therapy and reading books like Come As You Are. Only then should you consider moving this relationship forward.
If she actually *wants* to work on it, a sex therapist would be in order
> And yet again, it made me feel gross and unattractive and like there was something wrong with me. I’ve lost all interest in sex with her now at this point. We’re supposed to move in together in a month or two and really, I’m not looking for a roommate, I want a partner who desires me inside and outside of the bedroom.
You know the answer here. This is a deal-breaker. Now YOU don’t even want to pursue the sexual side of the relationship. You’re not weird or wrong to want or expect certain things from your relationship, and that extends to sex.
This sounds like it will deteriorate until you end up wanting out of the relationship, so ask yourself if that’ll be easier or harder once you’re living together. This incompatibility will inevitably lead to resentment, and that’s relationship poison.
Tbh if it’s this bad now it’s not gonna get better as the relationship goes on. Maybe it’s time to move on before it gets too serious.