So my(M39) fiancee “Cheryl”‘s(F31) friend “Jess” (F36)temporarily moved in with us along with her child. She had major damage to her home, and we welcomed her until she sorted things out. It’s month 3, we are at our wits end with her and starting to see why her relationships with her family are strained. She makes backhanded observations about our relationship dynamic constantly. Somehow she knows an ex of mine from 2015 and remembers me being a lazy out-of-shape gamer. At first, my fiancee would tell me how annoyed she was that conversations would always go into how selfish and unattentive I was with my ex( I was). Then she went from inferring I got in shape and a career only to have access to thin attractive women to flat-out telling my fiancee that. Cheryl firmly told her she would like me to stop being the focus of the conversation and she should leave the past where it is. Instead of Jess backing off she switched tactics.
She must’ve assumed Cheryl wouldn’t tell me anything and began to fake fawn over the amount of housework I do. When I first came to the U.S. I mainly worked as a home cleaner and short-order cook so I can do both pretty quickly. My fiancee is a part-time fitness instructor and does the laundry. I pay for everything because I make substantially more. It works fine for us but whenever Jess sees me doing something she comments the same two things in different ways; she points out the contrast in how hard I work now to have a thinner partner or how Jess has stress-free and comfortable life for simply being thin and cute. I pretty much told her Cheryl is actually a great motivator to be better than I was.
If it weren’t for her child I would’ve asked her to leave long ago. We’ve tried discussing how annoying it is. Asking her flat out what the point of all this is. At first, she sobbed with no real response and now she just laughs it off and says she will be out of our hair soon enough. Her home repair seems to be coming along but there’s always some permit or foundational, materials issue that pops up and despite prodding, we can’t get a clear date for her to be out. The good thing is the house is big enough to feel like we have some distance and our relationship feels stronger. We are stressed out and don’t know what to do. Her family has cut her off and insurance will seem to only reimburse a hotel stay and not flat-out pay.
TLDR; My fiancee’s friend is staying with us due to a housing issue and constantly brings up the way I conducted myself in a relationship in the past. She feels I’ve only changed to obtain a thinner woman. It’s brought up so often in different ways its causes daily stress but we don’t want to boot her out due to her child being with us.
26 comments
Sounds like she’s spying
You should really to stand up for yourselves and put an end to this situation with Jess. It sounds like she’s not only overstaying her welcome but also causing daily stress with her constant negative remarks about your relationship dynamic and your past. Her behavior is not only rude but also harmful to your relationship and well-being. You’ve tried discussing it with her and even told her to stop, but it seems like she’s not taking your feelings into consideration and just laughing it off.
Remember that your home and your relationship are important and should not be jeopardized by someone else’s negativity and toxic behavior. I know it’s tough because there’s a child involved, but it’s not fair to you and your relationship to endure this daily stress. Maybe consider finding alternative accommodations for Jess and her child, or seeking outside help to handle the situation.
The fact that her family has cut her off and insurance won’t help shows that Jess might have a bigger problem that needs to be addressed. You don’t have to be the ones to solve it, but you also don’t have to suffer in the process. Take care of yourselves and your relationship, it’s worth it.
Your fiancee needs to sit her down and tell her that while she’s entitled to whatever opinions she wants to have, she needs to zip it while a guest in the home. Cheryl needs to tell her point-blank that commenting on the relationship, your past, her personal appearance…all of that personal stuff…is inappropriate and will result in her being asked to leave.
If she’s confused about what she can and can’t talk about, tell her she can talk about the weather, the news, food, pets and her child. Those subjects are reasonably safe. LOL.
And then your fiancee needs to follow through (because you know Jess is going to test her).
Once Jess knows the rules she has 100% control over the outcome. If she chooses to behave in a way that gets her a Notice to Vacate, that’s HER problem.
Parenting 101.
ETA: Because she’s been there three months there are laws that come into play as far as how you get her out.
Your wife needs to tell her that she needs to be out by a certain date- if her house isn’t ready, then she needs to find somewhere else to stay- getting reimbursed for a hotel is not the end of the world- it’s still being paid for at the end of the day. If you really can’t force her to leave, then you need to tell her that the comments have to stop- don’t ask her why she’s saying things, just say “I’ve asked you not to make comments like that. If you can’t stop yourself, you’ll have to leave.”
She’s trying to break you two up, kick this manipulative person out. She’s going to ruin your relationship and likely is trying to be in your fiance’s place instead. Why would either of you allow this person to be there ruining your relationship? she has a kid, but she’s the one who is responsible for her position and her child. She needs to find resources to help her and you need to get this snake out before she succeeds in what she’s trying to do.
> Her family has cut her off and insurance will seem to only reimburse a hotel stay and not flat-out pay.
Great! So she can put it on a credit card and then deal with her insurance.
You are not the only thing standing between this woman and a source of shelter. Get on the same page with your fiancée and get her out of your home before she *really* starts trying to drive a wedge between you.
I have a hard rule that anyone who stays at my home has a hard deadline for when the stay is finished. It’s a baseline boundary that has allowed me to avoid countless arguments that used to be standard fare in my 20s. Assholes fight me about it and are no longer welcome to stay. It’s a good filter.
Give Jess a date to move out. It’s been long enough and you don’t need her permission to be done hosting her. If it was me I’d probably go with somewhere between 3 days and a week given the fact her presence is endangering the friendship at this point. That can be a nice selling point “We’re so happy that we could help you out with a place to stay up these last three months, but in the interest of our friendship we’ve decided you’ll need to find someone else to stay as of …”.
I suspect based on what you’ve told us that she’ll be very ungrateful as soon as you give her a deadline. Fortunately, she has a hotel room she can put on her credit card that can be reimbursed by insurance, so she never really needed to stay with you to begin with, right? It sounds like staying in a hotel for a few weeks won’t be the kid’s biggest problem based on how you describe the mother.
Its going to be pulling teeth to get her out now so you will probably have to just deal with it.
Better than court and an eviction tho.
I think sometimes flat out saying ‘ that really hurts my feelings’ its needed.
You guys asked her subtly to drop it.
Do it directly now.
You guys need to learn the Gray Rock method. She is doing this to get a reaction, and while your continue to give one, her behavior is enabled and reinforced.
Do this:
Her: You were such a HORRIBLE boyfriend to X and you have ALL these issues!”
You or GF: Probably (or “Interesting”, sounding bored)
DO NOT GIVE HER A REACTION EVEN WITH YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSION WHEN SHE MAKES THESE REMARKS (look at her like she is talking about the weather)
She wants drama and attention, don’t feed it. Look up the Grey Rock method.
And like everyone else has said, get rid of her. But while she’s there, Gray Rock her.
Sit her down with the fiancee as a team and tell her that her comments are not appreciated. That your current and past relationships are none of her business, how you two split chores and bills is none of her business but her conducting herself in your home with dignity and respect towards you both is her business and she better start minding it or she will be out of your home with one weeks notice.
Her child is not your responsibility, and as much as you’ll feel bad about putting them out with her, that’s for her to figure out, not you.
She’s like a virus, and she’s set up camp in your home trying to spread her negatively around, and if you two choose to do nothing about it, she will spread to y’all. It will end with you and your girlfriend calling it quits. Misery loves company, and she’s doing what she can to bring y’all down.
Her focus on you based on what I see here is jealousy. I don’t see this behavior as an adult as much, but in middle and high school, I saw it a lot. A girl gets jealous because their “friend” who isn’t as pretty/skinny/smart/rich/popular starts dating or gets a bf and they’re sitting there coming up with asinine reasons why “friend” have a bf and they don’t. All kinds of shit like “it’s because her dad runs the honda dealership, and he’s hoping to get a good deal on a car” or, I shit you not one girl said “he only likes her because he takes Ritalin for his ADHD and it changes his brain chemistry and he does things he wouldn’t normally do, like date Miranda”.
It has nothing to do with the specific guy but everything to do with why would any one pick her and no one pick me. It sounds like what Jesse’s doing.
She sees her “friend” happy in a good relationship, and she asks herself why not me. She doesn’t have much on Cheryl, so she goes after you. Oh, you used to be a shitty bf. You’ve changed. In her mind, it can’t be because you’ve matured or done self reflection and worked on yourself because you want to be better. It’s because you want prettier gf’s, you improved your looks too catch their attention, you cook and clean to keep them, you pay for everything so they’ll remain faithful, it’s all an act. And when she tries to cast you in that light, it casts a shadow on Cheryl and her lack of bringing anything but her looks to the table (in her mind, I don’t actually believe this. I’m sure Cheryl is a lovely woman).
She had a man’s kid, and he didn’t even stick around, but Cheryl doesn’t do anything but looks pretty, and she’s got a guy who does everything for her. Boo hoo, woe to Jesse.
She’s being a poison, give her a warning as an untied front, and when she crosses your boundaries again (99% sure she will) actually put her out.
> If it weren’t for her child
Just because she has a hostage doesn’t mean you have to tolerate bad behavior in your house. Even at age 3, that kid is learning how to act from the way this abuse is received.
This is really up to your fiance to shut her down since she is her actual “friend.” I find the hotel part very curious, as I have known others and have been displaced myself and insurance companies normally give you money to get going, sometimes even direct billing the hotel. Does she have a cc or some way to pay if it is truly reimbursement? Insurance normally pays up to a year for loss of use of your home. I feel like there is something tricky going on here, like maybe she is taking money but not using it for a hotel or rent somewhere else. Your average person can’t pay a mortgage and another home while the home is being repaired so I find the reimbursement part to be suspicious.
Regardless she is a rude guest and needs to go.
Insurance will reimburse her for a hotel stay, so send her to the hotel. She’s worn out her welcome and that’s what fking happens when you’re a guest in somebody else’s house and don’t want to listen when the hosts advise you of expected behavior. Kick her out.
Her insurance will reimburse for a hotel? If it’s legal I would be throwing her out tomorrow morning. Are you kidding me? If she owns a home she has a credit card.
I’m guessing she’s a single mother? Jealousy is a PITA because of seeing how caring you are for your fiancee. I see this as crabs in a bucket. Gotta pull others down to her level because can’t nobody have anything better than her. She doesn’t have or can’t have what you two does, so she’s using her claws on you two. She’s toxic to your relationship and she’s not friend. She has insurance money for hotel stay, then why are you continue to have such a toxic person clawing and ruining your home?
Who cares what her insurance will or won’t pay? It’s not your problem! Put the evil 🧙out!
She needs to go NOW. She has abused your hospitality.
It’s month 3 and her insurance company will reimburse her hotel. I’ll bet they would reimburse her rent on a furnished apartment. She has abused your hospitality long enough and it’s time for her to leave. Her child will not become homeless.
Give her, both of you, the shut up or theres the door treatment. Except you need to mean it, point her to a motel. If she cant be appreciative then she needs to go. Its your home, neither of you deserve to deal with someone who is getting a roof over their and their childs head.
Sounds like shes a bitter little b**** and nothing more. My wife is very pretty, and I dont have to DO anything for her, I do things for her because I also want to.
I was lazy when I was younger too, but who I am with has nothing to do with how I go about my life now.
If someone’s family cuts them out there’s a reason. What are u looking for here?
Kick her out. That’s bullshit. There is no way I would put up with that. Insurance will reimburse her for her hotel room. Tell her to get one.
You can’t make her stop. She’s already demonstrated that she sees no issue with her behaviour. So you can continue to put up with it or kick her out. Those are the only options I see here.
For what it’s worth, there’s no world in which she becomes homeless. She has insurance. She can stay at a hotel. Put it on her credit card. Make a claim for the stay before the bill is due, pay the bill once she gets paid. Or simply call insurance and force the issue. You have just made it too convenient for her to have to do that.
Give her a 30 day notice. She can find a cozy motel.
Pack her shit, kick her out!
If her insurance will reimburse a hotel it’s time to ask her to take that option.