Hey guys,
For starters I do currently live at home. I’m a graduate (f21), student who is working part time. I have moved out before for a year at university but it is pretty unaffordable where I live so I went back home. My bf of 3 years and I are working together to save for a place so i can hopefully be out this year .
Here’s how things are different between me and my sister (f18). My parents never, ever let me have a guy I was dating sleep over or go on family vacations with us. I’ve had 3 bfs my entire life and dated around . My first relationship lasted 3 years and he had to leave by midnight when he was over . My door had to be Open and unlocked until he left. My parents actually reversed my lock from 14-19 because they where afraid of me sneaking guys over. I was never able to lock my door and would have family walk in on me all the time. I fought this with them but always respected the rules and never had any guys over past midnight. My current partner and I plan to marry in a few years and build a life together and they still won’t let him go on trips or stay over even when he drives hours to see us. It’s ok, their house their rules.
But, my sister has a gf of a year. She is allowed to sleep over, has gone on family vacations with us, and basically can do whatever. It sucks because my bfs have tried so hard to be accepted by my family in this regard but it never seems to fully happen.
I was not allowed a phone until 17 even though I begged and begged and even offered to help pay. I got a flip phone at 17 but got a job at 18 so I was able to pay for a smart phone. Before that I texted on my laptop and my parents would look through all of my messages to see if I was talking to boys. They would go through my search history and put restrictions on a lot of websites. I never did anything weird on the internet . They don’t do this to my sister.
My sister got an iPhone 11 when she turned 13.
My parents never helped me get a car. I did not get a car until I worked 2 jobs and finally got one the beginning of last year.
My sister will be 17 later this year and they are already talking about getting her a car.
I’m not a bad kid, I did good in highschool, work a lot , graduated college and am in my masters. I don’t do hard drugs and I clean around the house . I don’t understand why my parents where so much more strict with me . I’m not perfect I messed up in my life but so has my sister so I can’t fathom why It’s like this. I’ve talked to my parents but they say it’s not true and deny basically everything. Not really sure what to do at this point. I can’t wait to move out lol.
Any advice Is appreciated and thank you
Tl:dr my parents are way more strict with me than my sister and I’m noticing favoritism
6 comments
So common, basic differences that every elder sib has to accept. But you’re still a teenager and don’t want to accept that parenting isn’t about being fair because there is nothing fair about life.
Your sister isn’t you. Her parents arent raising a You.2 model. Your sister having a phone takes ZERO away from your life, but you’re crying on the carpet anyway. Embarrassing.
You need to at least start growing up. Someone having something you don’t/didn’t have doesn’t mean daddy loves them more; it means you’re spending your time staring into other people’s lives and piling up envy instead of getting on with your own.
You won’t have created anything worth someone else feeling jealous about if all you ever do is pine for the tiara you never got.
Other than communicating your feelings using facts and not getting emotional, there’s nothing you can do.
You have to then make a choice. Constantly seek approval from your parents and try to understand something that will never make sense.
Or, live your life for yourself and knowing that you’re a good person who tries hard and is worthy of approval but understand that you may never get your parents to acknowledge that in a way that is meaningful.
I won’t go into many details here because it’s a long story, but after both of my parents divorced and remarried when I was around 17 I was literally just forgotten about. Didn’t talk to my mom for close to 18 years and my dad would sometimes go a year without reaching out.
I had a full time job since I was 16. Never in trouble with the law. Graduated high school. Never did drugs. I remember during the ’08 recession I lost my job. Laid off, whole business closed. I broke down and called my dad to ask for $50 bucks to get gas to get down to the unemployment office (I fought so hard not to have to do this…) and he told me he would have to think about it and called me back shortly later to say no. Meanwhile, I found out that very same week he cosigned and paid for a $280k mortgage for my two stepsisters. One of which had 3 DUIs at age 22, been in and out of rehab. The other who constantly dated abusive biker-type assholes and needed rescuing.
It hurt. Deeply. But my dad stopped being my dad to me that day and just another person I couldn’t really count on. This was just the last straw in a long list of disappointments.
I guess all I’m saying is. Your parents are just people. People can be fucked up and/or flawed. Don’t live your life seeking their approval. Live for you.
Every parent has a favourite.
Most don’t admit it.
The one who isn’t always knows.
There’s nothing you can do, there’s no poignant speech you can give them that will change anything.
This also just sounds like first child syndrome. We always get the worst.
Do they parent your sister, like at all?
I was in a similar situation- my Mom was incredibly strict with me, but gave my little sister pretty much unlimited freedom (We’re 7 years apart, I was living at Uni during this time). I talked to my sister about it and it turned out that our Mom had just mentally checked out of being a parent to her entirely. She didn’t give her extra freedom because she liked her more, she just considered her job as a parent to be “done” and wanted more freetime
Ever heard you will understand when you are older? you see the little picture now, when you get older you will see the bigger picture. Its easy to say and complain you don’t get treated fairly or as good. But I bet you all the changes you notice are only from a very narrow perspective.
If you were twins all that you mentioned, was as you told, then ok you may have valid points.But since you are not, the bigger picture applies and the bigger the age difference. The more things become noticeably different.
example: boy A and Boy B, lets say both are only 3-4 years apart.
Lets say boy B got used playstation and then 3-4 years later around same age boy B ended up getting a brand new playstation. The complaint is clear right? old vs new playstation?
Not quite. 3-4 years ago the parents were 3-4 years younger, struggling financially and the best they could afford while attempting to keep up with the latest is a used ps. 3-4 years later they are older they have better paying jobs doing better financially and able to afford the latest PS. Were they trying to be unfair? no, in both cases they were trying to give their child the best they could. But from your point of view, you feel they didn’t like you or preferred your sibling because you got the used, dusting, cobweb filled playstation.
We also age and who we are changes to it. after dealing with a very exhausting teen, parents may get a bit lazier on the second. Not meaning to but time catches up to everyone. Typically as we get older we are more financially stable and strong. That means the youngest child always gets the better financial support by default. Its not a favoritism thing, its a time thing.
No two children can ever be treated exactly the same. Time itself doesn’t allow that. That doesn’t mean we can’t love them the same.
My best guess is if she’s the youngest, they’re probably checked out from parenting. They’ve done it all already and don’t have the energy to keep up the standards. It doesn’t make it fair or right, but it does happen. A teacher I had said all of his older siblings were expected to keep their rooms tidy and organized but when he came along the parents just told him to shut the door so they didn’t have to see the mess since they had already enforced it so much with the older siblings.
Best thing you can do is hold your head up and build your own home how you want it.