[Leaving my (33F) boyfriend (35M) of 11 years due to alcohol abuse and lack of commitment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/102i3pj/leaving_my_33f_boyfriend_35m_of_11_years_due_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Update on my previous post.
I left him Saturday January 28th after a huge fight, regarding his drinking and while looking for his booze stash I found lingerie that wasn’t mine and had clearly been worn. The next morning he was back in the cycle of kissing my ass to make me forget he was a jerk so he made me coffee and left to his friends house for a few hours.
After he left I grabbed as much of my clothing and toiletries as I could and sped down to make apartment to offload.
By the time I returned he had also returned, he was nervously mowing the yard and doing maintenance on the house. I asked “So does the lingerie belong to you or someone else?” He tried to explain that it was a white elephant gift from his idiot friends he just had and some other nonsense. Exclaimed that he would never cheat on me and a few other asinine statements. He was surprisingly calm and skipped hysterical thankfully.
I told him none of it mattered and that we were essentially done because he never put any of the effort he promised into resolving our issues the last time we broke up. He accepted it. He then bowed out to give me time to grab more of my things. We’ve been cordial through the week and I have worked from the house we co-own twice while he was out at work. He’s guilt tripping me saying things like oh I wasted your time or I ruined your life. I was pretty devastated the first few days, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and I missed him. Then we had a conversation Thursday that made something click in me.
Thursday we talked just regarding the house, he was discussing how miserable he was and I asked him, “Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want to get married?” He tried to say that I blindsided him by not wanting children which was a discussion we had two years into the relationship. I got sterilized in September 2022 because I was tired of birth control and the paranoia of bringing a child into the world that I didn’t want. I reminded him that I told him 2 years in and I said if it was such an issue then, we should have broken up then.
He’s been better since then and I feel less sad about the breakup. My appetite is returning and I’m sleeping much better. I don’t think I’ll ever know what it was about me that wasn’t enough for him. Regardless of any of it though he would have had the drinking issue so the commitment issue is moot.
I’m having a hard time picturing myself with anyone again but that’s probably for the best so that I can heal and rediscover myself.
TL;DR
I left. He couldn’t tell me why he didn’t want to marry me or why he drinks but I found lingeries that wasn’t mine and I’m moving on.
12 comments
11 years! Jesus Christ – you are kidding right? After 11 years you ascertained the fact that he was noncommittal. 1/3 of your life!
Think of it this way – remove yourself from the scenario. If your little sister or your daughter presented you with exact same facts you would slap the shit out of her and ask her what the he’ll was she thinking! It’s not easy I get it. You are not someone else’s door mat. It’s gonna be hard sometimes and easy other times. That how life is. You gave one life on this earth – stop fucking around and go live it.
I’m proud of you. This can’t have been easy, because saying goodbye and making a change rarely is. Life is looking up for you now. Be sure to take care of yourself, and invest in yourself.
> I don’t think I’ll ever know what it was about me that wasn’t enough for him.
You are enough and “being enough” is a mindset that can be cultivated. It is a great feeling to have. Congrats on moving on and leaving someone who drains you and also congrats on going to therapy. Deffo discuss “I am enough.” with your therapist, when I did the work it fundamentally changed how I view myself.
Good for you! Glad you had the strength and clarity to see this for what it was – a lying cheating alcoholic that wasn’t worth your time.
>I don’t think I’ll ever know what it was about me that wasn’t enough for him.
I know this might sound backwards but this actually has nothing to do with you. This is about his limitations. The only question you want to ask yourself (instead of what went wrong/why wasn’t I enough for him?) is why did I stay for so long? Why did I stay for so long in a relationship that wasn’t meeting my needs?
I’m sure he’ll forgive you.
R/alanon could be very helpful to you. Or an active Al Anon group. Alcoholics are often stunted emotionally. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it only gets worse unless the alcoholic gets help. He will only slide downhill with his disease, and drag you along with him if you stay
I left an alcoholic partner after 11 years this summer. It was hard, but the freedom and relief I feel now is immeasurable.
Good luck to you in your new and exciting chapter of life. It’s absolutely worth it!
I’m also in the process of leaving a drunk and a jerk. It’s fucking hard, and I’m proud of you! ❤️
Imma tell you something you need to hear RIGHT TF NOW:
You are enough. None of this was because you weren’t enough, because you didn’t try enough.
This was *his* problem and you were just dragged into it and made to *feel* like it was your responsibility.
You left, you put yourself first and now you can start healing. You should be immensely proud of yourself for that, honey.
You’re a goddamn *hero* to yourself right now. Whether it feels like it or not.
Crazy because I also left an on/off relationship with an alcoholic because I found used lingerie in his bathroom.. he also said it was a “gag gift” from a bachelor party. Gaslit me and said I was crazy basically. That was the last straw for me because I finally had proof he was seeing other women, even though he refused to confess. I know it’s not the same guy as you, but very weird experiencing the exact same situation! Definitely would leave!! You are enough. He doesn’t feel enough probably and it brings out the worst in him, which has nothing to do with you. Check out Al-anon. Good luck.
> He’s guilt tripping me saying things like oh I wasted your time or I ruined your life.
You feel guilty when he admits to the negative impact of his shitty behavior on you? What’s up with *that*? Why should him taking accountability for his actions make you feel guilty?
> I don’t think I’ll ever know what it was about me that wasn’t enough for him.
Oh, that’s super easy. You considered his alcoholism a bug rather than a feature. The perfect woman for him would be the one who makes sure he never for one second feels bad about his drinking. Which is simply impossible. No one can magically turn his excessive drinking into a non-stop positive.