She faked it for 1.5 years

47 comments

1. Ok yes, medication can do that. Don’t get discouraged. Sex is about being with her, and the two of you experiencing one another. You can keep trying, but she needs to be honest with you and guide you as to what she likes and doesn’t like. Theres no need to feel like less of a man. Just experiment and see if you can find something that works. If not, she may need to speak with her doctor.

2. Not been in a similar position but a woman not being able to have orgasms from penetrative sex is very common. Her medication will also play a role in how relaxed she can get to achieve orgasm. Being lied to is the bigger issue as you’ve been given reinforcement that what you had been doing was working. Moving forward, honest open communication needs to happen to really learn what she responds to.

   Take this as an opportunity to have an honest conversation about sex with her and how you can help her be more honest on what works.

3. I understand this is a huge breach of trust and a blow to you. I am not going to try to downplay that. All I will say is, just like society tells men that they need to “make their women cum”, it tells women that men will be sad or mad or embarrassed if they (the woman) don’t cum from what he is doing.

   I cannot cum from anything another person does to me. It’s physical. Not mental. I have to do it myself. It can’t be taught. I can tell you there are men I can’t date because of this because they couldn’t enjoy sex with me if they are not providing my orgasm. I need a man who has enough self confidence that he believes me when I say I still prefer partnered sex over going solo. I get way more out if partnered sex.

   When you can, talk to her. Really talk. Ask what she wants to do. Does she want to try different things? It might be too overwhelming for her. I suggest incorporating being there, holding and touching and talking to her while she does it herself so you can both experience it together. And take orgasms off the table for a while. Ask what she likes. I like a lot of things that won’t make me cum. I still want them. You are both so young. Tell her it’s ok with you if she does it herself or if she doesnt cum at all, as long as she tells the truth and tells you what she likes and what she wants.

   But you have to mean it. You have to be ok with her not cumming, if she just cant that night.

4. Omg. Don’t feel bad about it. Cumming is not the same for girls as it is guys. I have never orgasmed from penetrative sex and idk anyone who has, but I love sex and feel so dreamy and satisfied after it every time. I have only ever orgasmed from oral done a specific way / masturbation. Seriously don’t feel bad. Sometimes I have lied about if I orgasmed because I don’t have the energy to explain how it doesn’t matter because it just feels amazing the entire time and I’m always satisfied after.

5. So as a girl, I want to give you what might be her perspective. I totally understand how you feel she broke your trust and that hurts, but as someone who’s been in her position, I don’t think she wanted to hurt you.

   You’re both very young, and I’ll say sex Ed for girls is terrible. What we learn about orgasms mainly comes from movies, and when we’re young and don’t know how to have an orgasm with a partner it can feel humiliating, embarrassing and like you’re a failure. You’re worried you’ll be a disappointment to the guy you care about and don’t know what to do. And usually at that age you don’t realize yet how many other women struggle in this area so it can feel incredibly lonely. I know personally I just felt like there was something wrong with me.

   As much as it sucks that she did this, she was probably really scared to tell you and I hope you can make her feel comfortable learning more about her own body/sexuality and have some fun adventures together doing that!

6. It’s really really commom for women to fake orgasms, all the time. Most of us are very good at it.
   I’m sorry, feel your pain.
   Try and look at it like this, she had fun, it felt good, she was connected to you, she loves being with you, she just couldn’t orgasm and didn’t want you to feel bad etc. So many women are told not to make a big deal about our sexual pleasure, or that the guy will get bored if you try and take time to “get there”

   I understand the feeling of betrayal, if you guys love each other I hope you can move past it. I am sorry though I’m sure you’re a lovely person and really great in bed, it’s just very difficult sometimes!

7. Gotta be honest here.. is it even worth it? Breaking trust like that. I’d feel like she made me look like an idiot for 1.5yrs believing her.

   Plus now, what are you going to be overthinking the whole time during sex? What a ballache trying to get that out of your head is going to be, and, sorry to say, things on your mind can and will ffect your performance.

8. That does suck that she lied, and for so long. But she told you she hasn’t cum from anyone else either. So don’t feel emasculated, she’s with you now and she owned up to it so she wants it to be better with you.

   Since she did own up to it, try to cut her a little slack. Again, lying for so long about it really isn’t cool, but she said she was embarrassed about it, and there can be a lot of pressure on anyone to “perform”. This is a great opportunity to become all the more intimate now that everything is on the table.

   I’m not trying to minimize your feelings about this. You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt, and she should know that so she doesn’t do it ever again. But she’s opened up to you in a way she hasn’t with anyone else, and that could be your opportunity to rock her world like nobody else has.

9. Speaking as a man, I 100% get the feeling of a lack of trust and being lied to, this is all absolutely valid and you need to gently but firmly express to her that this is what you want her to stop doing – you need to be able to trust her and she needs to know that she cannot keep lying to you about this. You need to be, as I say, gentle so as not to upset her but firm in how this cannot continue.

   With regard to the sex thing, it sounds like she has a female version of death grip – she’s so used to having an orgasm with a VERY specific touch in a VERY specific way in a VERY specific position. The fact that it is a touch she provides herself makes it LITERALLY the female version of death grip. This mental association is likely part of the problem and something you can work on together. Basically the advice for her is the same as for a man with death grip – stop masturbating for a few weeks so the body doesn’t have that regular, familiar touch and then to start doing it in different ways, to experiment with different types of touch.

   Then she needs to learn to orgasm in your presence as masturbation can be a very private thing. Have her masturbate exactly how she usually does but have you lying next to her, participating by holding her, kissing her, massaging her in some way. Basically re-introduce the familiar way that works, but with a new variable so her body learns that your presence isn’t a hindrance to orgasm.

10. Holy shit, No clue why she did not tell you sooner. I would try and have a long discussion so she can start having orgasms and enjoying sex. No one should suffer through what you are but it’s most likely the medication. I understand why she did since she would never want you to feel this grief. She most likely kept it from you because of procrastination. She probably was at her limit and let the bottled-up emotions come out. Try and understand her and come to an agreement.

11. If she does that, she would think it’s fine for little lies about all sorts of things. She’s not long term material.

12. Yes, it happened to me.

13. she could have continue to lie to you
    the point is she told u the truth, help her help you. You aren’t the problem

14. Go to a sex therapist! Both of you

15. Walk away, dont look back.

16. I must be an asshole then, because I will 100% tell you to get off me if I don’t like what you’re doing… because as many questions as I ask to make sure i’m pleasuring you, i’m for damn sure telling you when you’re doing something wrong.

    But I will say as many questions as I ask… I have yet to be asked a single time if I liked what they were doing, why? Because I also ask what they like beforehand, kinks all of it.. because we need to set boundaries instead of going in blind.

17. She has confessed something embarrassing and worrying. I would take this as a sign that she cares about you enough not to lie to you any more.

18. I understand what you are feeling. I don’t think that she wanted to hurt you. I think that she was ashamed of herself and did not want you to see that she was having a problem. It’s sometimes the case. Talk about it

19. Faking doesn’t necessarily mean she didn’t enjoy the sex or intimacy with you. It just means she physically couldn’t orgasm. Try to be open minded and ask her about her needs. I know you are hurting from this, but it sounds like you have an opportunity here for both of you to heal from this and come out stronger.

20. I’m just going to say that, from a woman’s perspective, you shouldn’t feel emasculated or ashamed. A lot more women than you would think struggle to cum, and honestly find it easier on themselves to fake it. And most often this inability to cum stems from mental shame within themselves or mental blockage from some other emotions. It has nothing to do with you or your ability.
    It’s easy to say that she should have been honest with you and upfront about this from the beginning but please understand that when women find it difficult to orgasm in situations like this.. they don’t want to bring their partner down and make them feel bad. The feelings you are feeling now are probably what she didn’t want to happen by faking in the first place.

    The only advice I can offer going forwards is to encourage the position she can cum in, and try it. And then potentially branch off and see what you can incorporate into that position with different motions or movements. But honestly, of this is something she has been struggling with she can always try going to a sex therapist. Just like men, women can struggle to cum because they have masturbated in a certain way for too long and think that’s the only way, or.. mental block. It would never hurt to go see someone, even together to strengthen your communication and bonding during sex.

21. The fact that you actually care about her orgasm is a good start.

    > I feel so demasculated, betrayed, and hurt. She lied to me for a year and a half about this.

    I know this hurts but as others said, she didn’t lie to be malicious to you, she lied out of embarrassment. Make this a pivotal moment in your relationship and build something awesome together from here! 💖

22. To some degree faking orgasms for women is socialized as a “little white lie”. In that it’s something everyone does to be nice and even polite.

    Also a lot of women do it to kind of hurry the process along.

    It might be better to think about it more like she was trying to help you enjoy it rather than just a betrayal. Because if she knows there’s no way she’s going to feel any better from sex, and you cum faster by her faking, then why not fake? I mean I could say reasons why but maybe she thinks it’s part of being a good sex partner.

    People have faked it a lot longer, and a lot of us have been in similar situations, whether we know it or not.

    If you need to take a break from sex, fine, but try to maintain physical contact at least. That’s all she was getting out of sex, really, anyways and she still probably needs that.

    Also men can be the same way, all humans can be extremely habitual when they masturbate. Some physical sensations or even physical positions for women can be similar to death grip in men. I would recommend her masturbating with you next to her or even her sitting in your lap if that works physically for her. See what actually gets her off first hand. You’ll probably be surprised.

23. A girl I saw for a while can’t finish With another person. Period. oral, toys, etc. Maybe we’ll get there at some point. We still have lots of sex but it was something I had to come to terms with. And it’s okay, but I knew this basically from the beginning so I understand how it can be hard to deal with.

    But it will be okay.

24. Brutal…

25. As a woman who never orgasms from partnered sex, please understand the amount of pressure it puts on her. We are perceived as “broken” or that we don’t really enjoy sex even if we really, really do. Guys have broken up with girls because they can’t handle the fact that they can’t “make” her cum. I’m very honest with guys about the fact that I don’t seem to orgasm from sex. But even then I have guys who I deeply care about and love having sex with say things like “I don’t even know why you like me, I can’t even make you cum”; “I’m a failure I can’t make you cum”. It becomes more about their ego, sex becomes more about trying to “accomplish” finally getting you off rather than just having fun.

    So honestly I can see why it’s easier to just fake it. It is such a huge impact on a guys ego. Just faking it keeps the peace and makes them feel happy. I personally have chosen to never fake it. My ex husband used to throw it in my face how I was “broken”.

    Please look at this from her perspective and not about your feelings. She likely deeply enjoys sex with you, finds it intimate and pleasurable just doesn’t orgasm. It’s great for her to trust you and be more honest in order to try to get better at discovering what might really work for her, but please know that it’s not something that you should let eat you up. She was vulnerable to tell you the truth and if you blow it up it’s just going to confirm to her that she should have just continued “keeping the peace”.

26. I just assume all girls lie about this.

27. I’ve been with my wife for 15 years and we’re both still figuring out what we like. I’m sure my wife had a lot of disappointing sex when we were in our early 20’s, but im making up for it now.

    You’ll improve with time, she will become more willing to share what she wants.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about. Sometimes a woman won’t cum no matter what you do, sometimes their mental state is the block.

28. She wouldn’t have confessed it to you if she didn’t care about the relationship. That’s actually a door opening for real intimacy and deeper connection.

29. Yeah, you can also think of this as a milestone in your relationship. she’s finally told you the truth and now you can start to do something about it. on the other hand nobody blames you if you can’t get past being lied to for years.

30. She probably feels inadequate for having a hard time getting there… so she hides it. It’s not ‘good’ but understand that this kind of behavior comes from fear, not malice.

    Your feelings of being hurt are valid – it sucks to have been decieved, but knowing she didn’t do it purposefully or out of any kind of malicious intent and in fact is just the opposite… and given how young you are, maybe consider giving her another chance with an new impetus on open and frequent communication?

    Time is on your side, for now.

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32. I was lying about that a lot, mostly to entice a partner to finish faster because I didn’t feel like doing it any longer.

33. While I understand feeling bamboozled by not knowing she wasn’t orgasming, she must really love you to continue having unfulfilled sex for 1.5 years. I feel like typically lies are said to benefit thr person saying them but in this case she had no benefit other than not hurting your feelings. Ive had several boyfriends that I couldn’t orgasm with.. some were due to meds at the time others were they were lazy and didn’t get it but still to this day not a single one of them know I was faking it. Now I refuse to because I have a husband who is fine with vibrators and I stopped being that girl who put others feelings above my own pleasure. She is young and isn’t likely there yet.
    I hope you give her another try and are able to put aside any ego when it isn’t an easy task because it’s very unlikely it’s you. If she knows she can when she Masterbates ask her to do thst with you.

34. I think you should focus less on the fact that she lied about it and more on the fact that she trusted you with this truth.

35. I have only orgasmed once in my life. Teens, and I am 31.
    I am consistently on BC and antidepressant and anxiety meds.
    I’m pretty sure it’s a combo of a lot of things…mostly stress…I pretty much have been straight up with people now and gave up on faking it. I just don’t, not even with masterbation..and I’ve tried a lot and gotten them to try stuff.

    As weird as it is she was trying to spare your feelings of being emasculated because she didnt want you to feel it was your fault when it’s really hers…and people don’t tend to believe that. Even after all these years people still don’t believe me.

36. It’s really common within people on medications especially antidepressants. She should have told you though, it shouldn’t have been kept a secret especially for over a year.
    If she finally told you then she either felt that she can trust you 100% now or that she felt some sort of guilt over it. You both need to sit down and have a conversation about trusting each other and what you can try moving forward.

37. it sucks to hear, but hey man, she was honest with you, and you guys aren’t breaking up. Orgasms with chicks can be a mental thing, so, this is a new opportunity to try new th9ngs out and really get to see what gets her going! Most of the battle (when it comes to female orgasms) is in their state of mind, so this is also a chance for you to get to work with that. Have fun, I say! Don’t be mad at her for any of this. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy thing for her to talk about.

38. It happens. I dated a woman like that. It’s okay, it’s not about you.

39. What I’m getting from these responses:

    Men are enraged at the astounding level of betrayal lying for a year and a half represents.

    Women believe it was ok for her to lie because she wanted to and think she’s the real victim.

    Wow

40. Fucks sake she was honest with you, be the solution not an extra problem.

41. Yeah I have faked it countless times. I can’t orgasm unless I’m alone with my hand. It’s not the dudes fault. It could be amazing sex.

42. It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and hurt by this situation. It is understandable that you feel betrayed and hurt by the fact that your partner has been faking her orgasms for the duration of your relationship. It is also understandable that you would need time to process this before you can attempt new sexual activities with your partner.

    It is important to remember that your partner’s inability to orgasm is not your fault, and that it is normal for some people to have difficulty achieving orgasm. It is also important to remember that your partner’s difficulty with orgasm is something that she is struggling with, and it is not something that she has done deliberately to hurt you.

    It may be helpful to talk to your partner about the issue so that you can both get a better understanding of why she has been faking her orgasms and what you both can do to improve the situation. You may also find it helpful to seek out advice and support from a professional, such as a sex therapist or a counselor. This can help provide you both with the tools and resources needed to help you both work through the issue and move forward in your relationship.

43. Bodies can be very finicky. I was like this for most of my teens/earlier 20s and it’s still extremely difficult to orgasm, even WITHOUT taking medication that could further hamper things. Don’t let this make you feel bad about yourself. She definitely shouldn’t have lied about this. People make bad choices out of shame sometimes though, that’s understandable. And honestly, would you have felt better or worse if you thought she was NEVER getting off at all? This is tough on both sides and you really just need to communicate about it.

    The red flag here for me is actually the 20 something year old woman that got involved with a high school student, or pretty close, based on the timeline and age difference.

44. Honestly, I think you are both young and inexperienced. There is a lot of helpful advice on here, but everyone is seemed to be hung up on her lieing about orgasming.

    Now if you were in your 30’s, 40’s, and so on, this would be a huge problem. You are in your 20’s, someone probably told her this is how you need to keep a boyfriend. You are feeling betrayed and I am so sorry. However, let’s consider why she faked orgasms. She 100% did this to make YOU happy.

    There is maturity lacking on both parts here. Obviously from your girlfriend, but you are also not exempt from this as it doesn’t seem you are considering her feelings at all. She is probably upset, she probably feels betrayed, and she is probably thinking that you will leave her like everyone before her did simply because she was honest.

    If you or your girlfriend can’t see outside your feelings and your specific perspective, then you may want to consider breaking up. The two of you have a lot of learning and self-reflection sometimes it is easier to do this apart. Either way, you and the girlfriend need to talk.

    TLDR: You can skip everything up till here. You are both hurt, scared, and young. This is the time to either break up or maturely handle this by taking not just your feelings into account but hers as well. Talk to your girlfriend instead of strangers on the internet.

    If you do stay together consider this, didn’t you say she can orgasm from masturbation? If so, she can teach you what works.

45. Here’s some good advice, put your pride about yourself aside, and look at this a different way. Now the fun can really begin, let me explain. For one, most women fake anyway, cold fact there, two, you are not going to please everyone with a small scope of knowledge, known plenty of guys that get past that who believe their God’s gift to women (not saying you think that), three, now you can try things you’ve been curious about in attempts to find something to please her, four, do not be ashamed to incorporate toys, 3 and 4 are vital to this because now you could end up with an ego boost should she be able to obtain an orgasm with you, I highly recommend acquiring a hitachi for clitoral stimulation especially during penetration play. Dude, don’t think there’s any problem with either of you, instead open your mind, try new things and learn more about one another. I guarantee that you will come out the otherside with a new outlook and a different sense of pride by just trying to find many different ways to do it well, and pride in seeing a pleased partner is an amazing feeling.

46. It’s not betrayal.. it’s her increasing trust in you. She knows that she has a problem and she is including you in the future resolution.

    Go for it! Go slowly and with love an let her teach you how to make her cum.

47. Don’t make this into a big betrayal. Most women don’t come through PIV. The fact that she can come at all is a good sign that she with practice can come in more ways.

    It is about relaxing and feeling safe. Of course you could feel bad about her faking it, instead focus on the fact that she confessed to something she is ashamed of and be proud of the trust.

    There is nothing unmanly about you. If you like her, try with different stimuli e.g. tongue et c and perhaps mimick the position she enjoys on her own. Also don’t make it into a I don’t stop until you come game. Pressure is the worst, rather talk to her about exploring together and if it happens it happens.

    I have myself when young experienced similar, I did not fake, but was still embarressed. Over the years it was easier with the different long term partners I had. Now, in mid forty I come easily, even with PIV.

    Hope it works out!