We have known each other for a year and been in a relationship for 8 months. We agreed to take it very slow. It is unreal how much patience and care he has shown me, he might be an angel. I trust and love him a lot.
I see him almost every day, and I give him oral 1-3 times per day. It is the only thing I did with my ex and it is my comfort zone, I love it. I think it also might be a way of “proving myself” because what good would I be as a woman if I couldn’t put out anything after 8 months? Lately my bf keeps asking me when he gets to reciprocate oral or take me on a date to pound town 😩
I feel like, mentally, I am completely ready to do everything *except* have him see me naked. I am 5 foot 7 and 300 pounds. I have disgusting stretch marks and fat rolls. My ex boyfriend, who is my only real sexual experience, called me such endearing terms as “tub of lard”, “beached whale”, and “fat ugly cunt no one wants you”. I know these things were intended to hurt me more than they were intended to express any truth.
But these phrases flash through my head when I’m doing anything with my boyfriend. I’m not a woman sucking dick, I’m a fat woman sucking dick. I wouldn’t be a woman having sex with a man, I would be a fat woman having sex with a man.
The thought of him seeing or feeling my fat body, it just makes me nauseous. Maybe i should talk to him about it, but I choke up every time. It’s been bothering me and I think he can tell that something is up.
Input from fellow obese women or men who have been with obese women is especially appreciated. Am i overthinking this?? I can be assertive and confident in every aspect of my life except this one… how do I get the hell over it?
12 comments
I’m very sorry those thoughts run through your head when you are intimate with him and I’m sorry that fuck-wit ex-BF of yours said such horrible things.
Your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be. Love and intimacy isn’t just about a number on a scale or how often someone has sex. It’s about a bond between two people who care for each other.
You are right about one thing. You should definitely talk to him about it. Your feelings are real and they need to be talked about and explored with him. Write down what you might say to him if it will help you communicate it better. He needs to know how you are feeling about this.
Good luck.
The key is you’re happy with your body. If not, look into gastric sleeve surgery. My wife is. I’m 6’2″ 160 lbs and she’s 5’4″ about 230 lbs. That plus exercise and eating healthy you could lose a lot of weight
oh girl i absolutely understand how you feel. i’m 5’10 and probably 340 or something, somewhere around there I think. i lost my virginity just a couple of months ago and was always TERRIFIED of someone seeing my body. but once you’re in the moment, i really didn’t even think twice about it. he’s your partner, he thinks your perfect the way you are, i guarantee it. plus, you may think they don’t know what you look like naked but i guarantee he’s thought of it more times than you think. i just remind myself that if he wants to sleep with me, he obviously thinks i’m attractive. plus, men love confidence. the more i tell myself that i’m hot and sexy and love myself, the more i believe it. it’s all a mental game and you just have to reassure yourself!!
Def be honest. It’ll be a nice moment. It’s tough to be vulnerable but if you want the next level you gotta do something to get there. He sounds sweet. Also he doesn’t have to “see” you right away. Y’all just cuddle up in the dark one night and get nakey! 😄
I’m sorry your going through this. If he wants to have sex with you I’m sure he finds you very attractive. There are plenty of men who like women on the heavier side. I’m sure he will love the sight of your naked body. ❤️
Good luck
tbh I would say you should consider therapy to regain self esteem. or at least try to surround urself with media that promotes self acceptance/compassion for yourself. ur ex was very mean and the fact those words he said to you stay in ur head so much makes it seem like you believe them, despite the fact ur bf has shown you over the last 8 months how he feels about u. its okay to talk about these things. also being fat doesnt mean ur inherently ugly, fat is not a bad thing. ik in some spaces online, ppl make it seem like its the worst quality, but honestly those are just shit ppl usually with very intense body image issues themselves, choosing to project their issues onto everyone else instead of doing their own healing. hope you start seeing urself as sexy again one day and are able to throughouly enjoy sex, as everyone should
I’m so sorry you’ve had assholes in the past say bad things about your body. That is so much more a reflection on them than it is on you.
Here’s the thing, as much as we think our clothes hide our bodies, it’s not really the case. You showing your naked body to your boyfriend isn’t going to surprise him or catch him off guard. This is a good thing though! He’s attracted to you and he has expressed he wants to have sex with you. Talk to him about it and if you want, take baby steps! There’s no shame in doing it with the lights off the first few times, then doing dim lighting and working your way up to as bright of light as you want to go.
I doubt that he would stay with you for 8 months if he really didn’t care. I hope you guys work it out. Small steps.
I’m sorry you had a horrible ex, I’m so glad you got out of that! I am an overweight woman myself and I know where you are coming from. I had always battled with these thoughts/issues and didn’t have a self esteem until I started healing with therapy. When I met my wonderful bf (who I chose to have my 1st real sexual experience with), I had those mean, body shaming thoughts rear their ugly heads again and made me feel insecure but I reminded myself that he knew exactly how I looked like and was clearly in to me just as I was. Most importantly communicating these thoughts and feeling to your partner is very important, yes they can be awkward and a little uncomfortable but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself and for your relationship. If he is worthy of you and genuinely cares about you, he will be respectful, loving, and understanding. These candid convos will get easier as you build a great foundation of openness and trust together. I hope you found this useful and I wish you nothing but happiness!
for starters you can start working out for a change
I’m a fat woman, dating a fat man, and we adore each other’s bodies. And I love his body because it’s HIS body. Your stretch marks and fat rolls are NOT disgusting, they are just part of you. You have lived in that body for 21 years, of course it has some marks! I’m glad your ex is your ex, he sounds like an absolutely miserable person and you deserve so much better!
Think about how you enjoy giving your boyfriend oral. What do you like about it? Do you like being able to make him feel good and express affection in a physical way? If you enjoy the act of giving him oral – give him the chance to enjoy giving you oral! This helped me feel a lot more comfortable and confident in my body: I know how much I enjoy getting to touch my partner, give him a blow job, etc, and then one day I realized he feels the same way about doing things to me! It would be selfish of me to deny him that. Trust your boyfriend. He wants to go down on you, he wants to have sex with you, he wants to enjoy every inch of your body and he wants to make you feel good while he’s doing that. Trust him and enjoy it.
Also, for me, confidence has absolutely increased with age. I’m in my mid 30s now, and fatter and sexier than I’ve ever been. I treasure the things my body allows me to do, at any size, and I’ve also learned that the people who look down on me because I’m fat are not the kind of people whose opinion matters to me. I’ve had many wonderful friends, family members, and lovers who do not care about my size at all. They value me for who I am, not how much I weigh. And those are the kinds of people you want in your life!
It’s hard, and gaining confidence can be an ongoing process, not a flipped switch. I agree with the other commenters encouraging you to talk to him about it! If it’s too hard to bring up in person, can you text him about it? I sometimes find it easier to start conversations that way, and then actually talk more next time I see them in person. After you’ve talked to him, maybe you can start slowly working your way towards sex, taking off more clothes each time you make out, he can get more and more handsy etc. You can gradually get more comfortable and confident as you experience each new thing. Good luck and have fun 🙂
You are projecting the harsh words of your ex onto your current partner. Your body is not disgusting! Talk to him openly and outside of a sexual scenario about your concerns and even your history with someone who put you down. Communicate your worries and go from there. You got this!