It’s hard for me to completely shake that feeling off. In the past I’ve often gotten to talk to guys who seemingly didn’t date around a lot and sometimes I felt like when I finally gave them attention or just talked to them like a normal, decent person would, they easily got attached. And truthfully I can’t shake the feeling that it’s because they’re lonely and were holding onto the next best thing that would give them the time of the day. And given how lonely some men are and what they would do in order to receive love, I’m well aware that none of this may be about me but rather about their desire to finally be loved & have a relationship and that the reason they get attached so fast is because there’s literally.. barely anyone else.
Anyways.. this truly haunts me and every encounter I have with a somewhat not super outgoing, extroverted guy who tells me he doesn’t really date, my guard immediately goes up and I know he’s probably lonely and no matter who or what I am, he’d probably go for me just not to be alone anymore. Even if I’m not even his cup of tea physically or character wise.
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So what do you want? A guy who has a ton of options and has dated around before? You’re not scared that this guy is “settling” for you? I really think this sort of mindset is toxic and just a symptom of hookup culture/online dating.
I would say you should be more concerned with factors intrinsic to the person (their thoughts/skills/beliefs/etc.) that indicate they’re able to understand you and form a meaningful relationship.
Me saying this is a little self-centered because I can see myself in what you describe but, like, from what you’re talking about the only thing I could do to put your mind at ease is appeal to a lot of women that aren’t you, where that’s simply not in my skillset. e.g. it was always my MO growing up that at recess it would always be me and another kid, like, collecting moss and rocks and twigs and stuff and showing each other the ones we liked and talking about life and stuff when all the other kids were playing games I never had an inkling of interest in. I feel like you’re arbitrarily telling me I have to hate and destroy that part of myself to give you a sense of personal value or whatever.
Like, yes, in fact who the person is isn’t terribly relevant to me except that we’re able to get to know each other. I don’t have, like, a dream woman or list of demands that I want to put on another person. I don’t see how that means I’m fundamentally worthless as a potential partner.
I would say you should be more concerned with factors intrinsic to the person (their thoughts/skills/beliefs/etc.) that indicate they’re able to understand you and form a meaningful relationship.
Me saying this is a little self-centered because I can see myself in what you describe but, like, from what you’re talking about the only thing I could do to put your mind at ease is appeal to a lot of women that aren’t you, where that’s simply not in my skillset. e.g. it was always my MO growing up that at recess it would always be me and another kid, like, collecting moss and rocks and twigs and stuff and showing each other the ones we liked and talking about life and stuff when all the other kids were playing games I never had an inkling of interest in. I feel like you’re arbitrarily telling me I have to hate and destroy that part of myself to give you a sense of personal value or whatever.
Like, yes, in fact who the person is isn’t terribly relevant to me except that we’re able to get to know each other. I don’t have, like, a dream woman or list of demands that I want to put on another person. I don’t see how that means I’m fundamentally worthless as a potential partner.
They like you too much is the problem you’re having?
I’ve been that guy before. I’ve settled for women that weren’t right for me, just to avoid being lonely. Here is how you identify that guy:
1. He doesn’t initiate except when he’s feeling lonely. If he’s out of town or has something interesting to do, he doesn’t think about you at all.
2. He only does the bare minimum of what he considers his “boyfriend duties”. If you ask him to make any kind of sacrifice, he resents it.
3. He doesn’t open up to you. He wants you around but not that close. He’s emotionally unavailable. He sees you as a person very different to himself.
If your guy wants to open up and be close to you, likes sharing his life and his thoughts (including intimate and embarassing ones) with you, and seeks your advice, then he’s not settling.