why do guys constantly say “I’m not ready for a relationship” but continue to treat you like they want you and basically do relationship things

47 comments

1. dont want the commitment but want everything else that comes with it. sometimes guy just flirt for sport. some times we are just bored. some guys really got a-lot in there life going on. we go through a-lot of trauma of other women treating us bad and we are forced to “suck it up” (pause). relationships are a risk and some aren’t bold enough to take it, so they play it safe.

2. They’re lonely and keeping you around until they find someone they want to be in a relationship with. When someone tells you this, leave immediately. It’s so hard, but you have to! :/

3. Men & women with this attitude/mentality do this to have all the benefits of a relationship but without being bound by the label, hence giving them license to do what want like seeing someone else on the side.

4. Harsh truth: they like you, yes – but not enough to be in a committed relationship.

5. They like the attention and the way you make them feel, but they don’t want to commit to taking care of you when you present human emotions that do not benefit their ego.

6. In addition to what everyone is saying, this is why people’s grandmother’s tell women that he wont buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.

   There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries until a guy is willing to commit a lot more, men will happily take advantage of you if you don’t.

7. They say this to keep you around while they look for a gf.

   If they came out and said ‘I’ll never date you’, you’ll obviously up and leave. If he says that he wants to be with you but actually doesn’t, then he’s stuck in a relationship and can’t look for someone without it being cheating.

   That’s why they say this shit. Next time don’t waste your time once someone says this shit

8. Focus on what do you want instead. Do you want a relationship? If yes, then after they say that you should have left immediately.

9. Usually means they like you but not enough to want a relationship with you. Going forward you just have to pick up on the red flags and cut it off when you realise there will be no commitment.

10. They want sex

    That is all

    Stop talking to these guys and wait for one you can get what you want with

11. Can have my Kate and Edith too

12. Because you allow them to?

13. He’s just not that into you.

14. Ok so 2 things;
    1) of course they want the benefits without THE RESPONSIBILITIES
    2) you are in control of your vetting and actions, please withhold ALL girlfriend perks until you’re the girlfriend. Have your own timeline for commitment and when/if they do not commit by then——-no matter how hard it is, WALK AWAY (speaking from experience and enough sweet nothings to fuel a starliner)

15. Stop doing relationship things with men you’re not in a relationship with. That should solve the problem. People will do what you allow them to.

16. One word: options

17. Because we like all the positive aspects of a relationship, like the hand-holding and snuggling and physical and mental intimacy, but we are in no way prepared for an actual relationship. It’s not you, it’s the fact that if we said yes the moment that things turned ugly, the instant some difficulty turned up, we would not be able to handle it. I’m well aware that I am not the kind of guy that other people can count on in hard times. So when you tell me that you trust me enough to want to be in a serious relationship I respond with “I’m not ready for a serious relationship right now” becauase I know that I’m gonna end up disappointing you down the line. Probably really seriously. I can either cut you off now or let it go on knowing that it won’t end well.

18. Maybe change the focus. Ask him what things would make the ideal relationship for him. Keep talking. Create discussions about dreams you share, and ask him to talk about his dreams. Listen. And tell all of your dreams too.

    I have had the similar questions for women I have dated. It turns out I was asking the wrong question, and making the wrong assumptions. When I stopped making assumptions and asked general questions like what makes you happy, and what is going well for you, I found answers to questions I never asked. I also discovered that with good open discussions, the false assumptions were put to rest.

    And I have had so many people in my life make incorrect assumptions about me, or, about people around me. And, I have told people making wrong assumptions that are not correct that I am not ready to move things to the next level yet. I do want a committed relationship. I don’t want it with someone who makes incorrect assumptions.

    I find I am successful with people when I assume they have the best intentions and when I take the time to talk it through with them.

19. Because you let them.

20. He trying to fuckk.

21. Have they talked to their family and close friends about you or introduced you to them?

    Do they most often reply to your texts or calls in a timely and respectful manner?

    Do they make plans with you ahead of time and stick to them as opposed to leaving things last minute?

    Do they seem open to talking about where things are going between you?

    There are a lot of times where people just want someone around so they don’t feel lonely. Or maybe they just want the physical aspect and then once they find someone they else they’re interested in they bail. Worst of all is if they try to come back for another round of things when their other relationship doesn’t work out.

    If that’s sounds familiar or is the case with these guys then you should run and never look back. Your worth a lot more than that and deserve the respect and love that come with commitment if that’s what you truly want.

22. Because they want all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. It’s not exactly a bad thing because there are women who want the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. But if that’s not what you want then you need to leave and keep looking until you find a man who does want a relationship with you

23. They have other options besides you so they have no desire to commit to you but will gladly take the gf experience without any of the commitment.

24. Yeah it sucks.

    I guess the way I see it is… Is that they have the right to do relationship like things and be not ready for a relationship.

    People mean different things by not ready for a relationship.

    The burden falls on the reciever to decide what is okay and not okay for them.

25. B/C anyone (m or f) who Actually says that is immature and doesn’t know what they want.

26. Harsh truth: Stop having sex with them, stop giving them affection, say “I want to date, or I’m moving on”. You are just as guilty for enabling this as they are for not saying their true feelings.

27. Oddly, that’s my same interaction with women. I guess people in general can just be shitty humans. I’ve been strung along so many times now I have just plain given up on people. I don’t know if it will change either at this point. The last one strung me along so hard, it broke me. It seems people just don’t care about other people’s feelings. A lot of people are just users of other people until they get what they want. It’s insane.

28. Good question…. What pisses me off too is when guys push things forward (despite not being given cues to do so) extremely fast, and then randomly say “we moved way too fast and I’m not comfortable”. I’m like well why the hell did you try to move so fast then?

29. My ex did this and I strung along while he met and hooked up with other girls on the side without my knowledge. I was completely blindsided.

    Those men are still “fishing” to see if there’s better fish in the sea. You let them keep reeling you in and they don’t want to “catch you” yet. Let go of the line and find another fisherman willing to catch you and treat you right. 🎣 Cringy analogy, but it was an eye opener for me when I heard it.

30. **Q: Why do guys say that they “like you but are not ready for a relationship”?**

    **A:** Because they are clearly gaslighting you 🫤

    They’re using this line euphemistically in that they’re after the **girlfriend experience** in and out of the bedroom without exclusively committing to you.

    Unless you stop offering them this “free of charge”, they’ll just keep coming one after the other.

31. They are just stringing you along until they have a new supply.

32. Cake & eat it, too. NSA so f that.

33. I agree with the milk and coffee cow thing or whatever 🤣🤣

    Listen, if it’s a relationship you want you have to act as if you truly want one. Your actions send signals to men which teaches them how to treat you.

    I have gone out with and talked to dudes I KNEW didn’t want anything serious but I still hovered thinking I had magic coochie and if it was REALLY good it would convert them to wanting something serious.

    I didn’t sleep around, was not fast or promiscuous by any means. But I struggled with asking for what I needed and keeping boundaries after I set them. Don’t even get me started on bad sex.

    So many times I broke my own heart because I didn’t follow my intuition. I answered the phone late at night. Went out for coffee months after not hearing from someone. Blah blah blah.

    I can’t say this enough. Be open and real not just with the dude but with yourself.

    Don’t give up the goods to someone too quickly if your values do not align. You’ll get emotionally attached. This puts you at risk for heartache. If they can’t have a real convo, that’s not your person for the night or for fifty years.

    Thanks for attending my TedTalk. Typing while almost asleep.

34. Believe them the first time they say it; this is one time to believe their words over their actions. Don’t think for a minute, a single minute, that giving them more of your time will make them want to call you their girlfriend and the meaningful full-on relationship that you want. They might like you, cuddle you, have sex with you, but their heart isn’t captured by you. It’s completely up to you whether you’ll get hurt and feel used or Love and value yourself enough to leave.

35. People on this thread saying it is because he’s just not that into you. Yeah, it could be that. But I also think there’s a huge modern societal flaw in the sense that social media, apps and just general shallowness has also changed mentality for a lot of people. The thought that “something better will come along” or simply “I can try someone new next week. I don’t need to tie down”. Due to the way dating apps and social are, I think now that many people will never break out of that thinking cycle. Unfortunately by appeasing someone who isn’t giving you the commitment only feeds into that vicious cycle too and validates it working.

36. They are afraid of clinginess and this might be because of past relationships where they had to deal with lots of it along with emotional drama and stuff, where commitment was a burden in toxic relationships and took away their freedom. This left a scar on them and basically triggers those wounds when they face future real commitment – which they try to avoid at all costs. A subconscious defense mechanism in a nutshell.

    This is not always the case, but if a man is well-mannered and isn’t playing, then it might just be a reason. This has nothing to do with you. They are just afraid, of being suffocated like they were in toxic past relations, instead of feeling liberated as in a real relationship.

37. Grass is greener in the other side, that’s what they believe. They like you, but by not being in a relationship, they are not responsible to be loyal to you. They can still see others and when they are convinced that you are the best option they can have, they will be ready (and normally it takes time).

    Most of the time, they see someone else better and bump, you are left out (or even worse ghosted) without knowing what’s happening because literally you guys aren’t in a relationship and they believe they don’t owe you a reason 🙂

38. A little story of mine that shows that this could happen in many variations and maybe gives a little perspective.

    I (m, 24 at the time) had a coworker (f, 27 at the time) and we felt we were drawn to each other. Unfortunately she had been laid off as she was the freshest colleague. It was a bit dramatic, as she was great at her job and moved to town 400km from her home to work. But one project was just not starting.

    Anyways her last days were a bit emotional and quite full of bar hopping. So we figured we liked each other even more. We kept contact and she kept visiting me, eventually I would quit as well and move to her area for studies.

    She told me she was emotionally unavailable yet didn’t want to end things. I said (and I meant it): “ok, that’s fine for me. If it’s ok for you, I’ll just get some relationship experience with you so I might be able to get someone as great as you someday.”

    For me it was hard, but I somehow really got to a point, where I was able and ok with me not allowing myself to love her. Because I knew it would break my heart eventually, but just enjoy the time I was spending with her. All still while doing the relationship stuff (planning weekends together, plenty of talking, even a trip together), still some of the happiest times of my life. Still she never introduced me to her parents or friends.

    Then all of a sudden one night while waiting on a train she asked me: “Do you even love me?”

    And while I wanted to say “I sure do, I just wish I was allowed to” I was struck by all the emotion in that question and it took me too long to formulate that sentence and she took it as a “No”.

    In the end there was plenty of heartbreak and I was accused of leading her along and making her feel the same way you probably feel now OP.
    Yet I am the one that is probably broken beyond repair.

    So leave nothing unspoken guys and girls.

39. What you allow is what will continue. Boundaries are necessary

40. They like you but they still want to keep their options open. Think of yourself as a great reserve player, but they’re still scouting others for the team. Commitment is a separate thing to men than just liking someone whereas when women like a man they instantly want commitment too.

41. You don’t have to like someone to like the attention they give you.

    Not saying that’s me or that it’s a good thing but that’s my take on what’s happening.

42. From what I’ve learned is they like u but don’t like u enough for a relationship. I’ve learned to just either entertain it for my personal pleasure or completely ignore it if I’m not in the mood to entertain lol

43. After reading through the comments, as well as going through a phase of my life where I was that guy, I have a perspective I would like to share in candid feedback; here goes:

    A light backstory, my previous relationship to now I dated an individual for about 3 years (I was 23-26). Not only did we cohabitate, and despite the fact it was borderline codependent, I thought I was going to be with her until she died. This may sound macabre, but she had an auto immune disorder and I gave her 20 good years. It actually got to the point that I felt like not much more than a caretaker and I lost a big part of self-identity. Please note, these are raw feelings from years ago and I have unpacked most of it and been studying emotional intelligence to understand the significance of what I was feeling for a while now; I was also in a much different head space than I am today.

    Fast forward to the relevant connection to this thread, I was single between the ages of 26-29ish, meeting my current partner, we will refer to them as Sam, months before I turned 30; for reference, I’m about to be 32 now.

    Well when I met Sam, she told me she wanted a boyfriend. In upfront communication, I told her I was not looking for a girlfriend, I did not feel ready for a relationship, but I wanted an eventual life partner. I mentioned I wanted to move slow and that I did not feel I was available to take on the responsibility of being a boyfriend, I also mentioned that I did not want to have sex explicitly because I needed to develop an emotional connection first. After about five months of this, end of October through March, Sam felt like most of these comments reflect and was ready to leave. In the subsequent conversations she taught me not to be so jaded, embrace vulnerability, and that I could have a relationship again despite my fears of committing myself to a situation that could become codependent. So yeah, she it out despite the defensive red flags I was putting out and I eventually came around to realize I could open up again.

    Hopefully this helps, let me know if you’d like to know more or how the relationship has been going through the last 2-3 years.

44. Speaking on behalf of being a guy who’s done this exact same thing you’ve described, I can at least explain what was going on in my head each of those times.

    For me there was a lot of guilt going on. I would start talking to a girl because I found her normally very attractive and then ended up getting along with her pretty well, hence making a “situationship” very easy and convenient. However, I pretty much always opened by saying something to the effect of “just so you know, I always like to take things slow” or “it takes me a while to fully commit”, something along those lines. (I know, two of the oldest ones in the book.) So at least they always knew I had this problem. However, each time I found that I did genuinely enjoy spending time with them so much that the very thought of just cutting things off always felt overwhelmingly sad and guilt-inducing.

    So again I’m really not trying to defend myself *at all* here, I’m just trying to explain what went on in my head each time. I always kind of knew it was wrong to string along girls like that, but also it felt even *more* wrong (in the moment) to just end things. In my own twisted & faulty logic, I always felt like I was actually doing the right thing by hanging out with each girl more, for some reason.

    Luckily I haven’t done anything like this in a while. But yeah each situation was a hard one to end. Us guys need to learn to man up more often and know what we want coming into these things.

45. All men prioritize access to women. Especially those they have no responsibility to other than indulging in her attention and getting the girl friend experience while they keep their options open. Solved.

46. Feels like most responses are to a scenario similar to but not quite the same as what you’re describing. What you’re describing sounds like inarticulation and disagreement over labels. These aren’t guys who are having sex without other relationship activities, they’re guys doing relationships without calling them relationships. That’s a bit of a different thing. They’re not dodging responsibilities, they’re doing them but then downplaying or disavowing them, which is more interesting.

    I think these guys think that being in a relationship is a much bigger deal than it is. They think that a relationship means that they have to already have the good job and big house and have their health tip-top and know their whole future like a God, and so whatever they’re doing today *can’t* be a relationship because they’re not already perfect or complete.

47. A lot of guys want a “relationship” without the commitment.