I have a great guy in general. We, like everyone I’m sure have had their up and downs and with 2016 it was the worse down for us but the next year he was DX with ADHD.
We also started seeing a Psychologist who also has experience with ADHD . She thinks my husband is on a scale of Autism which use to be considered Aspergers and I can see that.
Anyways we have some ADHD / Autism issues and I try to be understanding but it gets to be a bit much for me.
An on going issue is cleaning. This may not be part of his ADHD but maybe just how he was raise. His mom was NOT a great house keeper. In fact it was pretty bad and they had a large family with foster children . His mom seems like a hoarder and just won’t let go of things so there is stuff EVERYWHERE .
I point this out because I think this maybe where my issue with him stems. I grew up with a VERY clean family. Once a week it was deep clean the whole house , daily maintenance and don’t leave anything out or be yelled at. Not saying my living situation was any better. I personally prefer a middle ground between HIS and MINE.
But I am always struggling with telling him to pick stuff up. I try and wait . I will wait a week or two THEN point out something. I don’t want to be a nag , I can live with something being out for a while and not have to put it up ASAP BUT I would like to NOT have to tell him .
Like right now. He brought out a white coverlet that usually is an option for our bed to use down stairs one early morning because he was having trouble sleeping upstairs. WE have two queen / king size blankets downstairs ( not throws ) so not sure WHY he won’t use them but okay fine.
It’s been 2 weeks now and it’s been laid on our stairs which NORMALLY means it needs to go upstairs. He’s gone upstairs several times now, without any full hands so .. I feel it’s up to me to say
“hey , can you take the blanket upstairs and put it away?”
But .. Ugh. WHY do I have to say something? I feel like I’m playing momma and I have told him that over and over. That I don’t want to have to ask him.
To be fair . I think he does TRY to remind himself. He creates reminders to do stuff on his phone that will pop up but I think the issue is he starts to ignore them after a while.
So anyone in this situation and is there any suggestions?
4 comments
I’m the person in the marriage with ADHD. So the messiness thing, his mom very likely has/had it too. So it’s both. It’s called executive dysfunction. Other people can prioritize tasks and we just cannot. So we want to find a way to do it all at once and that’s obviously not possible so our brain short circuits. The two sides of the brain do not communicate. So there is a literal block in our brains between thinking about the task/ and doing the task. I’m
Looking up executive dysfunction will help you both understand a lot I think.
If I have a lot of things I need to do. These 2 things help me.
1. Might as well. If I’m in a room and there is stuff to be picked up, my go to thought is (I’ll get that later). Now I try to say “since I’m in here, might as well do A,B, and C” and that little thought process makes such a difference. It’s not perfect, but it helps.
2. Breaking it down into tiny steps. Step one, go to the stairs, 2. Pick up the duvet cover, three walk to the bedroom. I literally talk to myself like I’m a sims person so I don’t get distracted by other tasks.
Other thing, he should probably be on medication. Since he was diagnosed as an adult it’s hard to learn new skills to cope without it. It’s possible, but harder. I know it’s frustrating but be patient. He has a disorder and spent most of his life with people treating him like he has these character flaws when they’re actually symptoms. It’s unbelievably hard.
My husband has adhd and its ho entry an uphill battle that is a constant struggle. We have had so many arguments over him having a messy desk a messy area or how he doesnt help clean often. He can help for awhile but it goes back to the same thing over and over and its hard. He’s on medication and sees a therapist.
I do absolutely feel your pain, OP. My spouse has pretty severe ADHD, and it can be frustrating for sure. I spent years agonizing over “Should I say to do the thing, or will that make me a nag?” And often, it would turn into me fuming silently over the fact that that damned plate sat on their desk for FOUR DAYS, and why the fuck did they not just take it to the sink!? So on the fifth day when I finally said something, I usually said it in a very frustrated, angry, or bitchy way. The result was me feeling shitty for being so upset over a stupid plate, and a bit guilty for lightly blowing up about it. And that made my spouse feel guilty over not having recognized it was even there, and for making me upset. It wasn’t working for either of us.
What we did was sit down and hash it out kindly. They don’t feel nagged when I remind them to do those simple tasks. They told me they’d rather I say, “Hey babe, can you please put your plate in the dishwasher?” immediately, instead of letting the frustration simmer. The result is that things get done in a more timely manner, I don’t get frustrated/angry/bitchy, and they don’t feel guilty over not doing the thing.
Like most things in a marriage, communication is the key to making this work for both of you. Sit down, tell him you want to work out a system that works for both of you, and then work together to come up with ideas to try out. Then check in after a week or two and see how each of you feel about the first option you try. Rinse and repeat until you have a system that you can agree on.
No… I AM someone with ADHD.