I grew my hair out and now have a look that might suggest I’m not straight to some people. Since my hair has gotten past my shoulders people seem to interact with me differently, especially women. For example, in one of my last college courses I sat next to a woman and we became casual acquaintances for the class, talking during down time, doing small group assignments, etc. She would talk to me about “girlier” things than any woman ever has with me. She would show me pictures of her boyfriend to show me how cute he is, which no woman has ever shown me before. Several times she brought up topics like makeup, skin care, hair care, as if I had a lot of experience with these things. All I do is take care of my hair but it seems to have a lot of implied baggage with it.
She never said anything outright (and maybe I’m just thinking way too hard about this) but she seemed so comfortable sharing these things and seemed so confident that I wasn’t interested in her that I’m convinced she thought I was gay. For full context, I’m bi but wouldn’t have mentioned that under any circumstance at the time. It just felt very different from my friendships with the opposite sex in the past. I’ve been wondering since, if she had known that I wasn’t gay, would she have been as open with me or discussed the same topics? Would she have thought I wouldn’t want to talk about hair, makeup, or her boyfriend if she thought I was straight?
It makes me a little uncomfortable how differently some strangers interact with me too. When I had short hair and looked like a traditional man, strangers just didn’t talk to me, period. Now I have random people striking up conversations in public, I get compliments from women and men alike, which feels great ngl, but it seems like nobody was ever comfortable approaching me like that when I looked like everybody else.
I just don’t really understand why people would be treating me so differently and the only major difference I can think of is that maybe women think I’m gay and less likely to misinterpret their complements as a sexual advance? Or maybe people find a more feminine appearance more approachable just cause? Probably both? What do you think, random internet stranger?
4 comments
Hm, I think I getcha. When I used to have short hair (as a woman) people often assumed I was a lesbian, which I didn’t mind at all but found interesting, too. However, it might also simply mean that you now present as someone less gender-conforming with your long hair and that this makes you appear potentially less of a danger to women? I think those things happen very subconsciously in women, but from my own experience I know that a very masculine looking dude would probably cause me to make extra-sure he’s a safe person to be with, just generally speaking. I’m not saying this is reasonable or justified, just that I think this is something a lot of women will sort of process without really realising. Having long hair means you’re not a defender of manliness and gender-roles, and I think there are a lot of people who can appreciate that and now might feel safer approaching you.
Sexuality is an spectrum, OP, some people is incapable of realizing that fact, sadly.
If you are bi… I cannot understand where the issue here is since you seem to get along well with people in general. Be yourself and try to stay away from stereotypes almost no one fit in.
Maybe you’re just too nice? Embrace some of that good patriarchic toxic masculinity.
I can imagine that woman felt safer with you while thinking you were gay. That’s not a bad thing, is it? You are safe, you are not the type to cross someone else’s sexual boundaries, or are you?
And the reason why you are getting compliments now that you didn’t use to get may just be because you are expressing more of yourself now (by wearing long hair and not looking like everyone else). Being yourself unabashedly is highly attractive.