I (F30) have been with him (31) for more than 10 years, and other than a period where he cheated on me mid way through out relationship, we have been very stable.
We are due to get married soon, but I don’t think there is any spark in the relationship anymore. We barely have sex and when we do he’s just doesn’t do it for me. We don’t have fun, and I’ve tried to revive things with him but it never lasts long.
Separating from him would be a huge decision. I do love him deep down, but I just want a relationship and partnership with someone who makes me laugh, had fun with me, and wants to settledown and have children.
However, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I feel like if I was on my own I’d be lonely, and that maybe I’d come to regret it down the line. Am I taking him for granted? I’m not confident that I would actually find someone else as I am very insecure about my appearance, but I’d love to be with someone else. Part of me resents that he was with someone else midway through our relationship but I have always been loyal which sounds ridiculous as the affair was years ago.
Not sure really where I am going with this post, but what are your thoughts or advice?
10 comments
You don’t have fun. You don’t have sex. You have grown up together and it seems as if inertial is the driver of your relationship. This can’t be what you want. Things get harder when you marry. It’s not going to change into something wonderful if it’s not fabulous entering into the marriage. I would really rethink this.
Sounds like you answered your own question. You want a relationship with someone who tries and it seems like he isn’t trying. Things won’t improve after a wedding just because you’re married. You don’t have fun with him. Have you done counseling? Does he know how you feel? If you’ve truly tried everything and nothing changes then yes it makes sense to leave
Get couples therapy for when he cheated on you years ago because it weighs heavy on your heart .
* I don’t think there is any spark in the relationship anymore.
* We barely have sex and when we do he’s just doesn’t do it for me.
* We don’t have fun, and I’ve tried to revive things with him but it never lasts long.
* I just want a relationship and partnership with someone who makes me laugh, had fun with me, and wants to settle down and have children.
Yes, you should be putting the wedding on hold until things are corrected.
The way you’re putting it, your relationship is dead and you will be signing up for an unfulfilling marriage.
Getting married isn’t going to flip a switch and make things incredible.
If you’re not head over heels and excited to get married to someone, then you shouldn’t do it.
Address it. If that fails, don’t just accept it as your fate. Leave. Better to start a new journey than to sign up for a dead marriage.
The thing with marrying someone you’re not entirely sold on is that you then have to fake it for the rest of your life. Some people are willing to do, others are not. What is a certainty is that any problem you have before marriage gets magnified once you’re married. Only you can know if mere companionship is enough to keep you content forever.
You are already unhappy and that will magnify if you get married. You say you afraid of being alone and insecure about your appearance. Starting again will give you the motivation to improve yourself. You are still young and have a lot of potential to find someone who will make you happy. You don’t want to be in this position in 10 years with children asking these questions.
You do not want to be with him.
You should never stay with someone because you are scared of being alone. You need to face that fear and learn to enjoy yourself solo.
Only be in a relationship that fulfills you.
I can only speak for me, I stayed in an unhappy relationship for a long time, when I got out I realized how much happier I was single. I’ve since started dating someone really great. So for me, it goes
Happy Relationship > Single > Unhappy Relationship
Google sunk cost fallacy
Life is hard enough. Marriage is to find a partner that makes life bearable, whether that’s because they make you laugh, or you feel cared for, or protected. If you can’t see this person being a partner that helps buoy you through the hard times, don’t marry them,