Need some other perspective here b/c I am genuinely confused.
Brief back story. I am the working spouse. My spouse is a stay at home parent. It’s been like this for well over a decade. We have multiple children in middle & high school.
I was recently offered a job in a different state that would require us to move. The position would 2x+ my salary and put us on track to be extremely comfortable financially as the company has a very defined and attainable partnership structure.
My spouse said “Yes, do it but the kids and I aren’t moving with you.” This is not an option for me. I am not leaving my family behind.
Shortly after declining the position the same company offered me an even better position. I immediately brought this to my spouse and the response was “I have other people to worry about than you. I won’t move.”
Now, this is a well established, well known company so it’s not a huge risk. My spouse is very comfortable with the life we lead now. I have explained that it might be comfortable for them, but I truly need to be in a place to earn more money. Especially with multiple children going to college soon, driving, eventually weddings, etc. and our agreement that we didn’t want them to have to take out debt.
These two opportunities are not the only times I’ve been asked to not take a new position or job that would be financially beneficial.
I have asked my spouse to help me understand why they are so adamant. To which the response is “I won’t move the kids at this stage of their life.” Which I understand, but it will hinder us and ultimately them in the not too distant future.
And to be totally honest, it just seems like kind of a shitty way to treat someone who has been 100% supportive of spouse’s goals and ambitions, and a very involved parent. I have a great relationship with my kids and they have all expressed that they want me to take the opportunity even if it means moving.
So here I am looking for perspective. I understand the only perspective that matters is that of my spouse. However, I’m not getting very far with that conversation. Any thoughts or ideas on potential reasons a spouse would be unwilling to support this move would be greatly appreciated.
9 comments
I don’t have advice, but as someone who worked in corporate relocation, it’s not uncommon.
It’s a problem in itself that she’s not being more specific and clear about what is stopping her from even considering the idea. It’s not a cooperative or honest way to deal with your life teammate, and i would suggest you have like, a meta-conversation about how the talks about life plans are so unproductive between you two. For your end, you would have to assure her (and follow through!) that whatever honest thoughts she shares with you, no matter how different they are from your own, you will take seriously and not dismiss. If she opens up about a deep personal feeling and you just counter by quoting money numbers at her to try and override, it will discourage open discussion.
Personally, I do not consider myself as money-motivated in life, and I have definitely passed on more lucrative paths because things like maintaining my community connections, free time to pursue non-work interests, enjoying my work, etc. outweighed the financial benefit. It’s possible that for your wife, your current income level is suitable and an increase wouldn’t outweigh the downside of leaving a close-knit community, or family, or any local perks that wouldn’t be present in this other state. If she loves living somewhere warm and sunny and you want to shift to one of the cold rainy places, that could be a major quality of life impact.
But yeah, most important is to try and re-strategize together how you even discuss the topic.
I understand not wanting to move. I also understand needing to be more financially ahead. It’s ok to move, kids learn a lot navigating new areas. It’s also ok to keep them in the same place. Sounds like they are a bit older… maybe it’s time to tell your wife she needs to go back to work to help support the family financially with all those big changes coming soon, since you aren’t able to make more without moving.
For some people, family is more important.
No one on their deathbed ever said “I wish I spent more time at the office”.
>I understand the only perspective that matters is that of my spouse.
Disagree I’d say your kids have to be fully onboard as well.
Unrooting them at the high school level can be traumatic. Few kids want to start over, make new friends, join new teams, etc.
I suspect your wife is just shielding them from potential pain.
Though perhaps, discuss this with the kids AND your wife at the same time. My buddy had a similar situation and to my surprise, both his teen daughters were like “hell, ya, we want to live THERE instead of here.”
If you say your kids are supportive, perhaps your wife is digging in for a reason that isn’t all she thinks it is.
You’re asking your spouse and your kids to uproot their entire lives so you can make more money.. As the provider for my own family, I understand your dilemma. There’s pressure to make as much as we can to attain the lifestyle we seek for our family. But your wife is going to be miserable, which means your marriage will be miserable. Your kids will be miserable for a while, but they’ll probably adjust eventually.
Why do you feel responsible to pay for your kids’ college education? If your kids aren’t able to get enough merit aid from their college, they can take out student loans (you can even co-sign!) and even find a part-time job. If it’s still too expensive, they can start at a community college or a state uni. This is a reality you can explain to your family if you turn down that job. There’s nothing wrong with this reality, it’s pretty normal for most college students.
And even if your kids end up getting married someday, why are you paying for it? Tell your kids yheir wedding is their responsibility.
What I’m trying to say is that while the extra money and opportunity sound very appealing to you, unless you win the lottery, that money won’t buy your family’s happiness.
I am the spouse who stays home in this scenario. My husband was offered a better job with a better company. Benefits, tuition reimbursement, work/life balance, all of it better . . . 5 hours away from the only home our 3 children (15, 13, 2) have ever known.
At the end of the day, we have to provide for their well-being well beyond finishing high-school. Our new area affords us the opportunity to be in better schools and give them more opportunity overall.
It’s so hard. Our 15yo is involved in a million activities and our 13yo has mental health issues. We’re making sure to provide counseling for both after the move. Ultimately, I supported my husband because I know in my heart he has the best interests of our family in mind. We laid out pro and con list, the company invited me to meet the leadership team and ask questions (HR background) and they’ve been supportive throughout the process.
My husband had to get an apartment and is coming home every weekend so we didn’t have to rush to buy a home and move and the new company gives him Fridays off to travel right now.
Talk to your partner. Make a list. Get them truly involved in the process so they feel comfortable opening up why they are hesitant. Maybe they see something you don’t that’s a deal breaker, or maybe it’s fear that you can put to rest.
I am a high school teacher, you are not understanding the trauma involved with moving. You are asking your children to leave their friends, teachers and social structure for a brand new situation. Your wife is right, you are wrong.
My family moved 4 times between 6th and 11th grade for me, it was not traumatic in the least. In fact It allowed me to be seen, and I went from being just the nerdy kid to very popular at my last school. It is not always bad to move.
As the provider for my family, I have done whatever it takes to provide the most I can, while being at home as much as I can. I understand you want. But talk to your kids, I was eager to move, they may or may not be.
Thank you! I appreciate all the different perspectives. It’s truly helpful. I’m still trying to get her authentic perspective out, but it’s probably a mashup of several of these presented.