Bear with me.
Been together ten years. Sex has been deadish for the last five. The last year I said fuk it and decided to take matters into my own hands. If I initiate, I get laid. If I don’t, seriously six months could go by with NO mention of it by him or any attempt by him to have sex. So not technically a dead bedroom bc he’s not refusing me & I am getting laid (once or twice a month when I don’t feel like I’m pressuring him) but a dead bedroom bc I think he honestly doesn’t care about it. & I tend to feel like I’m making him do it which doesn’t feel great.
It took all the courage in me to have a come to Jesus talk with him. We have to communicate, we have to try harder, we have to be on the same page. He was a deer in headlights (usual response). I am VERY sex positive, always have been. I’m an open book & want to learn and grow with my partner. I’m ALWAYS supportive. I said I don’t know what he wants or what he likes. So I asked him. What are you into, how often would you like it, where’s your libido at. Do you like porn, do you masturbate. (All these things you’d think I’d know after ten years?)
HE DIDNT ANSWER ONE QUESTION. I got nothing. He told me nothing. Told me he didn’t know what to say. Wtf is that? How do you NOT know what you want? How do you not know how often you’d like to have sex? If you are LL that’s cool but why not say that? How can you look at your wife who is begging for some sort of conversation and just say, all good, when clearly it isn’t! He then became annoyed and I ended the conversation bc at that point it’s not going anywhere.
Needless to say I’m frustrated. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m confused. How do I get him to talk to me? Is this sexual repression (he wasn’t raised religious or ever told sex was bad) or embarrassment or should I just leave it? Is it me? Bc I feel like it’s me. Does he not trust me? I never push him but I don’t think I can keep having a partner who won’t talk to me about something that is so important. But I don’t know why he won’t. Is it my job to get him comfortable enough to do so?
3 comments
Ally I’m so sorry this makes me sad. There is definitely something very wrong here. This is bad. Hopefully you’re husband has low test and he can just start getting testosterone or something and he can get his mojo back. It sounds like he doesn’t want to have sex with you, sounds bad may be the reality. Also I saved this for last, worst case scenario you may have married a gay man in denial. Happens all the time. I’ve knows family’s uprooted because the man was gay the whole time. This is my perspective as a 23yoM who’s been around the block. Def never went to college so what do I know. I’m rooting for ya.
He could be asexual, or have low testosterone levels. One can be checked, the other may go unspoken for life. It’s up to you if no sex is a viable life option
If its a dealbreaker then either divorce and look for someone new or go to a sex therapist. You’re definitely in the right for trying to communicate with him. But he is the problem.