My husband and I have discussed this..our marriage will end if I decide I don’t want kids. He is whole heartedly decided on this. And apparently we never thought to discuss it 5 years ago. What are people’s thoughts on this? We are 29(F) and 29(M)
Has anyone had a similar situation?
Edit: We had discussed this, I used to want them when I was younger and have been unsure because of a couple of traumatic terminations among other things. He’s my best friend. I’ve known him 12 years and it kills me to even think about it
21 comments
As a childfree woman myself, I think the fact he values potential future kids more than you is something he should have told you before you got married.
What if you decide you wanted kids tomorrow, but can’t get pregnant? What if one day you and he have, but lose a child and can’t have more? Would he leave you over sterility and seek another partner in the future?
Personally, I’d leave him even if I decided I wanted kids. He is not fully committed to building a life with you.
Yah, there’s no compromise in the parent/no parent life. I am sorry you didn’t discuss this earlier, it’s a deal breaker.
So if yipping is yes and one is no, just pull the plug,the resentment from both sides will be impossible to recover from.
To have or not have kids is something that really should be discussed before marriage.
The urge to reproduce or not is usually a deal breaker for many people.
I fully agree that if one does not want kids, one should not have them.
But for the person who wants kids, nothing is going to stand their way. The urge can burn strongly and it will defy logic. They will find a way to have them, and if that means finding a different spouse, so be it.
I have seen many friends divorce over one wanting kids and one not wanting kids.
And I get it. If my wife had told me she didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t have married her. Rather, our mutual desire to have a family is a big part of why our marriage is still going almost 20 years later.
I think kids are a natural part of a relationship, most people go into a relationship wanting to have children. The normal mode of action is to have kids. If someone doesn’t want kids, they should disclose that immediately when even starting to date.
I honestly can’t get over how neither of you never even mentioned it. It’s a huge conversation that I’ve had in every relationship I’ve ever been in (I’ve never wanted kids).
That being said the decisions that are before you are: have kids and remain married or decide not to have kids and divorce.
Dealbreaker. There’s no way to compromise on this. Even if you stay together divorce is eminent. Have kids, you’re resentful. Don’t he’s resentful. Not trying to be a jerk but this won’t work.
You shot yourself in the foot with this one. Children are one of the first things couples discuss before they even consider marriage. We’ve been married for 4 years, dated for 6 so total of 10 years, our first born is 10 years he was a complete surprise mainly for me bc I was told I could never have children bc I had cancer as a teenager. And we were only dating a few months when I found out and we have been together since and still love each and we always said we wanted more kids. After suffering a devastating miscarriage last Thanksgiving I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant with our second. Just end it bc neither of you will change, you won’t have child support so that’s your saving grace.
Yeah there’s no compromise here. You’re either in or out
Yes. This isn’t something either one of you should compromise on.
That isn’t something that can be compromised over and signals a deep incompatibility that can’t be breached. The desire or lack thereof for children is a dealbreaker if your partner doesn’t feel the same. No one should ever purposely have a child they don’t want to please their partner but no one should ever give up their chance to be a parent for someone else either. This is one of those situations where love is simply not enough.
I agree it is a deal breaker… I belive being a parent is something you cannot steal from your loved one. It is different if it is inability to have a baby by natural methods, because there are many options there, medical or adoption, but there is always one thing in common: the desiee of having a child together.
For me it was one of the first topics with my husband, children or not and how many. We were in the same page and that made us decide to take things serious and get married. If you decide not to have children and he stays, you’d be making him incredibly unhappy and if you decide to have children just to keep him there, you will be unhappy and not the best parent to your child, so be honest with yourself, it will be the best in the long run.
Why was this not thoroughly discussed before getting married? You should have let him know the second you started wavering towards “child free” Ots messed up to lead someone on who wants children when one partner doesn’t. It doesn’t work unless both of you are on the same page and even then sometimes it still doesn’t work out.
Best of luck OP
You have suffered few TRAUMATIC TERMINATIONS and if you refuse to try again, go through all the hardship of getting pregnant and if after all you still don’t have a baby he will divorce??
🧐
Not sure if he loves you the woman or only want a baby with someone.
Whether or not to have children is definitely a deal breaker for most people when discussing marriage and their future. You mentioned having a discussion before and you used to want them, but did you ever discuss with your husband the possibility of what would happen if one of you had fertility issues? Or if someone changed their mind?
I know for my husband and I, we had a discussion of what would happen if one of us physically couldn’t have children and how that would impact our marriage. We also discussed adoption, surrogates, etc. because we wanted to be absolutely sure we were on the same page regarding starting a family.
You mentioned some traumatic terminations—do you still want kids but don’t want to go through the physical aspect of carrying and birthing? Perhaps discussing alternative options? But if you decided altogether you just don’t want kids and your husband does, that may honestly be something your marriage could not continue on from. While it’s completely OK to change your mind on not having children (because it does happen), it’s not ok to force your husband into it if it’s not what he wanted.
Definitely a deal a breaker. My wife was originally not keen on having kids and I had second thoughts on our future. Eventually she came around and now we have two kids. I’ve known couples who divorced due to problems from infertility, so don’t be surprised if divorce occurs from a mismatched want in having kids.
That’s really reasonable, you are the one who changed.
I think there’s a huge difference between divorcing someone because they don’t want the same things you do (if you don’t want kids) vs leaving someone for an illness (whatever is causing these terminations/infertility?).
Why can’t you guys discuss alternatives to grow your family?
Do you not want to parent or don’t want to carry a child? If the latter, would you consider fostering for example? There are other ways to have children in your life but not conceive.
There isn’t a compromise on this and it just can escalate. If kids are deal-breaker to him then their deal-breaker. If you don’t want kids I would say end it now before resentment can set in. I have a friend who’s currently in a marriage or one partner wants children and the other doesn’t. They fight a lot about it and there’s constant snide comments.
That’s a deal breaker
We both didn’t want kids, then i turned 30 and i wanted one. I basically talked him into it and he is so happy i did. Sometimes feelings change, once i hit 30 my time clock changed and i would remain open for new feelings.
Unfortunately huge resentments may build over time if your not on the same page, causing the marriage to end. I would seek therapy and see what these feelings are behind your thoughts.