I’m writing this just to see what the crowd thinks while waiting for my pending therapy journey to be approved. For background, my boyfriend (27m) is a work-from-home super expert freelance programmer so his schedule is always open and he finishes his jobs quickly, that leaves him with a lot of down time. In his down time, he likes to help others with their goals, varying from family to friends to acquaintances. I’m (28F) an accountant and work in an office so we don’t see each other until in the evening.
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We met at a tennis club about 8 years ago, fell in love, and we’ve been playing tennis with each other multiple times a week. I consider that our quality time together. His sister (11F) just recently expressed interest in tennis and he couldn’t be more excited. Now he is extremely invested, he schedules her lessons, wants to hit with her/train her multiple times a week, wants her to become pretty much the best player in town. Although he and I still play multiple times a week, I feel like the vibe isn’t the same. I sense that all he could think about is how to improve his sister’s skill. He is obsessed! He will ask to schedule tennis every single day with me and her. The 3 of us play together sometimes and other times it’s just me and him but yeah it feels different. In a way, I feel like I’m being replaced because this activity was our quality time together and now his focus is somewhere else. I adore his little sister but I’m not keen on his obsessive and overly invested views about the sport with her.
I know I sound jealous and it’s ridiculous that the subject is his innocent 11-yr old sister. I think I just have abandonment issues. I’m naturally an introvert but I can easily become chatty when I’m in a crowd so although I still hang out with others, I prefer alone time with him on the court. In the past he has booked trips with friends even when I told him I couldn’t go after he’s invited me. It made me feel like he’s picked them over me and now that feeling is coming back. Any constructive criticism/insights/opinions welcome!
TL;DR: I (28F) feel like my boyfriend (27m) has replaced me with his little sister (11F) on an activity we used to do together.
4 comments
The only way to deal with it is to talk it through and come to a compromise.
Would you want to help with any of the training? If so, pick a day and tag along. If not, then ask him to set aside a day a week or whatever that would be tennis for just the two of you. You guys can play while she attends a lesson, for example.
The friend issue – I mean he wants to go to something and you don’t, it is the most reasonable solution to have him go alone to things you have no interest in so that you don’t feel crappy for going to something and being miserable the whole time and he doesn’t feel crappy by turning down things he’s rather go to. So you are being a bit unreasonable in not wanting to do things and feeling like you are being chosen over other people when you have been asked to go first and said no.
He sounds like he’s doing all the right things, you are the one not communicating and choosing to exclude yourself and then get mad about it.
And finally, do you want to change these dynamics and your attitudes around things? If so, then therapy is a good idea. If you are fine with how things are that’s okay too, but you need to get onboard with being different from your partner and him having the space and choice to be who he is, just like you do.
Have you *communicated* your concerns to him?
Because there’s absolutely *nothing* good that can come of being frustrated by someone’s actions, *not* saying anything about them, and then becoming *more* frustrated and resentful that they haven’t changed their actions.
The thing is this: people do exactly what they want to do, every single time. They look at all of the options available to them and all of the information they have *about* those options, and they choose which one they want *most*, and they put the bulk of their time, effort, and energy into that thing. Even if someone isn’t actually aware of why they are doing something, they’re still following this process, just at a subconscious level.
The key part of that paragraph is “and all of the information they have about those options”. If someone doesn’t *have* all of the information (for instance, someone doesn’t know that “this thing I am doing is annoying/bothering/angering my partner”), then *they cannot use that information in their decision process*.
So he has to know how you feel about all of this. You might try phrasing it similarly to this:
“[Boyfriend], when you spend so much time with your sister’s tennis lessons, and invite her to play with us at times where it used to be a you-and-me thing, I feel [however it is you feel about it]. I need to feel [however you need to feel], and for that to happen, I would like you to [whatever it is you want him to do: cut down on his time with her, spend more one-on-one time with you, or whatever]”.
That accomplishes four things: 1) it lets him know what exactly you are talking about, 2) it tells him exactly how you feel about it, 3) it tells him what you need, and 4) it tells him what he can do, if he chooses, to meet that need.
What’s more, it does it all without being accusatory or placing blame or being controlling or making it anyone’s “fault”. It’s a statement of facts about what is happening and what you are feeling about it; what you need, and what he can *do* about it.
After that, the choice is his: he’s a big kid and he gets to decide how it is he spends his time.
If you are important to him, and the thing that he was missing out of the equation was the information about *how you feel*, then this conversation will change the calculus for him, and he will accommodate your feelings into how he chooses to spend his time in the future.
If you are *not* important to him, then nothing will change.
Once you have this conversation, see what he does. If he changes his choices and accommodates your feelings and so forth, great! Problem solved.
If he does not, then you know that you are not as high on his list of priorities than you want to be, and then *you* have some decisions to make.
You should be able to talk to him about this- why not just say “I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot of time on your sister’s tennis lessons and I’d love to have some quality time just the two of us, off the court”
Elephant: What is up with the two of you in terms of marriage plans?