SOS Please lmao. I feel hopeless.

Hello /r/socialskills! I am here to ask for some help. I have a lot of trouble socially, and it’s destroying my life (not a joke). I’m gonna go through the stuff I have problems with, and honestly even if no one has any ideas to directly help me, just writing this stuff out and getting it somewhere will help me I’m sure. If you’re not interested in the backstory (I’m mostly writing it for my own catharsis) just skip to after the line break.

I used to be a very charismatic and charming person. I was legitimately likeable and easy to be around. Then, in 2016 I very suddenly developed a severe dissociative disorder. I basically got completely ripped out of reality and lost most of my ability to communicate with the world outside of my brain. (Also, warning to the person that sometimes watches my account and reads my posts – name starting with a D – , please stop reading this post now. Please.)

After I got this disorder, my worldview totally shifted from one of general positivity and optimism, to the COMPLETE opposite. I felt the world was hostile and terrifying. And THEN I moved in with someone I had met literally a month before. Since then (\~May 2016) I have been COMPLETELY socially isolated. I locked myself away completely from the world. I did not speak to anyone except for a passing comment to a cashier or a whispered “thank you” to someone that held a door open for me. I only communicated regularly to one person – this person I moved in with. Since then I have tried fruitlessly to make friends and get involved, and I am just not able to.

Gonna do a line break here, and get into the actual stuff I’m experiencing.

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I’m going to describe all the stuff I feel like contributes to my lack of social skills. Some of this comes from my disorder, some from other things. These are gonna be a bit disjointed, and in no particular order:

The main big one – I have a dissociative disorder lol. I have a disorder that literally blocks me from connecting with other people. It can be cured and I’ve gotten a lot better over time, but it still prevents any meaningful connection. When all I’m having are surface-level interactions, this works great. When I want to make friends that will be around for awhile, it gets weird fast because nobody knows anything about me because I don’t know how to open up.

I am INCREDIBLY pessimistic in my head. I try to speak with optimism, but my core views are currently highly pessimistic. I think people can tell there’s a disconnect from what I presently believe, and the ways I am speaking. I know in my heart that one day I can return to being naturally optimistic, but until then I feel a bit phony.

I have no frame of reference for my life. I feel like I have no idea what my life is, or where it’s headed. When people ask me about my life, I have no idea what to say or how to describe what I am doing.

In line with the last one: I have no life to even talk about lmao. I am taking classes to hopefully enter a more lucrative career, and that’s where most of my energy is going towards. I’m 25 years old, and I haven’t exactly been making leaps and bounds towards my ambitions, so I feel like I don’t deserve to be enjoying myself until I catch myself back up to my peers. I know that’s bullshit and not fair to me, but it puts a block in between me and enjoying my life. Even when I go and do something fun or enriching, it’s like I subconsciously block myself from enjoying it.

My self confidence is nil. I know how to fake it, but I’ve been faking it for years at this point, so I’m not even drawing from genuine experience anymore.

In my head, I have become convinced that I am the most disgusting, creepy, uncomfortable person to be around. After thinking those kinds of thoughts for years and years, they are becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy and I am unintentionally acting like that kind of person.

I get INSANELY frustrated at myself for being unable to connect with others in a flowing and appropriate way. The thing is, I can still feel the part of me that understands social situations, and what to say, and how to act, but my anxiety completely blocks me from accessing it. I can absolutely tell when I’m acting weird or closed-off, but I can’t stop it.

When I AM able to tap back into that wellspring of optimism and freedom, I am instantly overwhelmed with shame for some reason. I don’t know why, but it happens every time. I will have about 10 seconds of being like “yes! I feel like I can open myself up again!” and then a wave of guilt and shame washes over me, and washes those feelings away.

I don’t know. I’m just tired. Everything used to come so naturally to me. I could relate to people almost instantly. I could tap into and read the vibes of a situation pretty easily. I could give and receive love. I could make my friends genuinely laugh, not just an uncomfortable “haha dude…”. It would just flow out of me. Now I’ve essentially turned myself into a weird shut-in with no idea what to do. I know I still have it in me to get out of this and grow into the kind of person I want to be, but I’m so tired of cycling through friend groups and friends because I stick into people’s lives like a splinter. There’s so much more nuance and reasons why than I’ve written here, but this is all I can come up with for now. I’m gonna go to bed now and try not to cry. And don’t feel bad, if you don’t have anything to say, just writing this all out has helped me a little bit.