We’re both in our early thirties, no children, have been together for 10 years, married for two. My husband is an introvert, whereas I’m somewhere in between. I like being around friends and family but I also like my space and partaking in my separate interests. He is the same way.
A typical weekday, we both work from home, have our separate offices, eat dinner and watch something after together, then separate and do our own thing the rest of the night until bed where we cuddle or read to each other. Once a week one of us will take off to give the other person some time alone at home. On weekends we tend to spend a lot more time together- going hiking, exploring outdoor areas, go to thrift stores, do yard work together, etc.
When I hang out with friends and family I’m alone 75% of the time which always brings in weird comments from people but we both prefer it that way. Unless it’s a holiday, special occasion or my husband simply *wants* to spend time, I don’t bring him with me. He is also sober so a lot of these events are at bars, parties, etc. that’s not fun for him which makes it less fun for me.
He also takes care of my family. If my sister needs someone to watch her kids, my husband will volunteer us. When my dad got sick with cancer and needed a major surgery, my husband was the one to jump online and book us plane tickets to go to him for the next day, pushing me to go see him and he sat with him alone in the hospital just giving him comfort every day literally two days after our wedding without complaint. So it’s not like he’s not involved, he just doesn’t want to be miserable at a pointless event.
Anyways, we prefer things the way they are. We are still having sex regularly (once or twice a week), have rituals we are serious about performing together (like we take every shower together so we don’t have distractions and can just talk, dinner, etc) but our therapist (we’re working on communication techniques during disagreements but we’re generally happy) seemed kind of weird about it and my family makes comments about it a lot. They’re always with their S/Os at every event. And if we visit my parents for longer than three days, my husband wants to stay at a hotel rather than at their place because they are always asking him if he’s okay, if he’s happy, etc the moment he wants a little space.
Anyone else have a similar dynamic?
31 comments
ME ME ME ME
This is so nice. I’ve been with my highschool sweetheart for 5 years and we plan to marry within the next 5. I turned to him and showed him this post saying “this is exactly the kind of marriage Id like!”. Sounds like you two still share intimate and valuable moments with eachother, yet also having your own space. I very much like being alone, even away from my family and BF. So I really resonated with this!
Yes. Also no children. If we had children, I’d prefer a more traditional dynamic– but for now, it works for us.
Your marriage sounds like my idea of heaven. As long as you’re both happy, let the other keep sippin’ that hateraid.
Also, thanks for making me super jealous!
Your dynamic seems awesome and if you’re both happy with it that’s all that matters.
>He is also sober so a lot of these events are at bars, parties, etc. that’s not fun for him which makes it less fun for me.
I think this is a huge aspect your family and friends do not realize. Being at bars and alcohol centered events as someone who is sober is not fun and sometimes uncomfortable. Good for him for y’all for creating those boundaries.
It definitely sounds like your family has some older traditional viewpoints on what marriage should be like, not to pull the generational card, but it is like that sometimes for more traditional older generations. I recently mentioned to my father I was thinking of going on a solo trip and he didn’t understand, saying “why go on a trip on your own? What does that say about your marriage that you need that much time away from your husband?”. I rolled my eyes because its a trip I know I would enjoy but isn’t exactly my husband’s cup of tea. We have trips planned for the both of us later on, but I need me time!
If it works for you it works. My husband and I took a mini vacation last week. My best friend and I are going to do one next week. It’s about balance.
Married 50 years and ours is very much like yours. Both introverted while I am more so than him but we both need and value alone time. We call it being alone together. We are (or were, before he had a stroke) both free to do our own thing while coming together for joint quiet time or activities. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It feels healthy and free to us.
My husband and I are exactly like this!! Married 20 years and still incredibly happy. We enjoy our together time, but we also enjoy our alone time. And our alone time with our own friends and families. We have a happy (for us) mix for all of it. If I’m going to an event that I really want him to go to, he will happily go for me. And I for him.
We have children, and our children also relish their alone time. We all get along very well because we’re all so alike!
Don’t let a single person (on here or in your family life) who tells you to change. Sounds like an awesome dynamic between you and your husband!
Seems about right to me. My wife and I after our respective divorces from our first spouses, spent several years pretty much by ourselves, until we met. So although it sounds really sweet and romantic when you hear of couples that are joined at the hip and happy that way, that is just not us. Trying to do so would feel unnatural, and forced.
Now we do go pretty much everywhere together, but that’s mainly because almost all of our friends are mutual friends, and we have a *lot* in common in terms of communication styles and sense of humor.
For us knowing that being alone is not lonely, as in knowing that your partner is going to be there whenever you get done with whatever it is you need/want to do by yourself is fine by us.
To close though, if we *did* spend anymore time together, then we start finishing each others sentences and it freaks my wife out 🙂
This sounds ideal 😂 if it works for you guys, who cares? Also totally with him on the hotel thing. Staying with family gets overwhelming and old really quick.
I could be your husband. Other than I a happily married woman🤣
During COVID, had I not been told there was a pandemic, other than no traffic, I wouldn’t have noticed.
I am perfectly content to be with my hubby, our college aged daughter, and my elderly mom who lives with us. If I don’t see another human for weeks on end I am good.
As for folks asking too many questions…tell momauntie you like staying at a hotel as you have loud sex. No one will ask why you don’t stay at their place again. Trust Me.
You do you and enjoy your space.
Just because you’re seeing a therapist doesn’t mean they have all the answers or are always right. If what you’re doing works for you guys, do it. Frankly, that sounds awesome. Keep it up!
Here’s a two-step solution. Everyone who has an opinion about your relationship should (1) raise their hand and (2) put it over their mouth.
It sounds like it works for you two. It’s too bad people feel compelled to voice their opinions. Here’s to your happiness and knowing what you need!
am I the only one hung up on the read to each other part?
Good for you and your relationship.
It seems you guys have worked out a perfect way to live your lives for you. I’m so sick of people thinking traditional ways are the only ways. Your relationship sounds a lot like mine. I’m a mostly sober introvert and my partner is a bit of a partier (we’re young lol), so he goes out with his friends and I stay home taking long baths. I’ve also skipped 2/3 of his visits with family this year and my family doesn’t do anything for holidays but he did attend a recent reunion with me and even hung out with my relatives while I had to escape for some space! (He ended up liking my extended family more than I do lol).
It sucks your family gets on your case, my partner’s family is really respectful of my boundaries and it actually makes me want to spend time with them more. I have long COVID and got sick from eating too much on Thanksgiving and they all left me alone in the room to recover in peace. They always tell him they would love to see me and offer to pay for my flights along with his for holidays but when I don’t go they send gifts for me home with him instead. Also his mom sends me pictures of him because we both suffer from a lack of photos of him haha. I’ll probably be going down for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and we’ll see them in May for a show we’re seeing in their city.
Long story short, there’s no one perfect way to have a marriage and if neither of you feel negative emotions with the way things are, and if you’re keeping the romance alive with quality time together, then everyone else can butt out. Sounds like you’re doing fantastic and it sounds like a more traditional setup would mess up a perfectly good thing. Don’t let the opinions of others sway you to change something that makes you happy.
If it works for you guys great. Not everyone is a people pleaser. My husband likes his space. He deals with my family coming and going but they are our child care. He can go weeks or months without talking to any of his family and it works for him. I’m not going to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do unless it’s planning for holidays because we have to get ahead of them in that department.
My relationship used to be like this mostly. Once we had kids, it’s quite a bit different and there’s not much time at all for alone time. But, once they are in bed, we can get some alone time…it’s definitely not the same and can be difficult especially for my husband who needs a lot of alone time to recharge. We have gotten in a few arguments when I had to bring my kids to events alone and wrangle them and he didn’t come, so that is definitely something to figure out ahead of time if kids are in the future for you.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from living with my wife for 4 years, having separate hobby time makes your time together better quality.
At the moment my wife and I spend most evenings in front of the TV not talking too much, if I go play games or she does art, when we are together we normally talk a lot more or cuddle on the sofa.
My husband is also sober and much more introverted. I am much more extroverted. I absolutely prefer to go to events without him. When we go places together like concerts or events I feel obligated to stay with him and limit my social interactions and he just stands there and doesn’t seem to be enjoying himself which makes me even more miserable. So I always invite him but he knows he is not obligated to go and that I prefer he not go unless he is actually looking forward to whatever the event is.
It works for us, we still like each other, so it doesn’t matter what people think.
I’m like your husband 😊 i know sometimes whether friends / colleagues / relatives would think I’m weird that I rarely join their parties or events, is there something wrong with me? Or do I dislike them?
Everyone has different personalities. Some likes spending all night at the bar, some likes just staying in and read a book. Some likes to be alone, some like to always be around friends. There’s no right or wrong, just majority and minority I guess. We should enjoy what we like to do, as long as we aren’t doing bad things, we shouldn’t worry too much what other people think of us. It really is none of their business. I like how you spend quality time with your husband and also give each other enough space / me time. Me and my partner are doing about the same too 😉🤗
My husband and I are so similar! We’re doing great.
I don’t have this dynamic at all, it just simply wouldn’t work for my husband and I. We are clingy little bitches.
However, I don’t think yours sounds unhealthy. You have the times that you come together and your routines that you do together. You support each other in the important times, and you trust each other when you’re away. You maintain intimacy in different ways. Your marriage sounds great.
To be honest at first I thought it was strange. But the more I think about it the more I feel like a)obviously whatever my or anyone else’s opinion on your marriage is irrelevant b) it is really cool your dynamic and balance you have.
I say forget what any outsiders think. Do not doubt your relationship bc of others.
You guys seem to have each other figured out and understand each other’s love language. Nobody else needs to get it!
All th best!
That sounds lovely honestly. I love that it works for you guys
I have almost the same scenario. Only thing is I think because of it our sex life is lacking. I don’t wanna be like roommates that get along but sometimes I’m worried cause it feels that way.
I don’t usually reply in r/marriage, but stay r/childfree and you will win forever
You do you. I find your dynamic odd but that’s just me
This sounds like heaven, damn. I’m introverted, and my wife was always extroverted. But trama and other things have left her pretty dependent on my emotionally and socially. We also have a son and a daughter on the way. It’s definitely bearable, and I still like her a lot! But sometimes I long for this sort of dynamic. You’re lucky.
Heaven