Edit: it’s not that I’m trying to stop him from watching porn, I just want to know how to conquer my feelings towards it!
We have been together for nearly 4 years. We went into our relationship being okay with porn. I consume a fair amount of porn on my end. My only boundaries were to not buy only fans, which he respects.
We never really asked each other about what we watched in our spare time, but one time while we were being intimate I asked him to show me his favorite subreddits so I could get off to them. He told me he likes to get off to “attractive people” and he only really likes stuff like real girls, barely legal teens, celebs, and girls gone wild. I was kind of hurt by this because I didn’t expect him to be into this type of content.
Of course, I understand that it is completely normal for people to fantasize about others during a relationship, but I haven’t been able to shake my insecurities. He has proven to me time and time again that he is fully attracted to me. While we had a few issues in the past with intimacy, our sex life has been wonderful lately and he makes sure to take care of me in bed.
The only other thing that troubles me is how often he closes his eyes during sex and it makes me think he is fantasizing about other women in bed.
Besides this, he has been a wonderful partner. I know he loves me, but I can’t stop thinking about why he can only get off to hot women. It is starting to break down my confidence. I know I have no reason to worry about this, but I often feel like I will never be enough for him, especially as I age.
Any suggestions for how to ease my insecurities?
7 comments
It’s completely understandable to feel uncomfortable with him watching porn of other girls. I would feel uncomfortable too. I feel like that’s weird. And the closing eyes thing is weird too!
None of us are ever going to be “enough” for our partners in terms of satisfying someone’s sexual *imagination*. Our imaginations are limitless and moreover, we all desire some level of novelty.
If you had sex the exact same way, every single day, you’d get bored of it too, regardless of how good it feels. This is why most couples in healthy sexual relationships use their time to *explore* sex with one another, not just stick to familiar ground all the time.
In any case, all of us — including you — can/will/should indulge in fantasy, to keep your sexual imagination refreshed and alive. Some of those fantasies may involve your partner, some may not. *And that’s ok*. It’s natural that we find other people attractive, whether IRL or via images/porn.
And yes, dear friend, that means sometimes your lovers may be thinking of other people when they’re having sex with you. If you don’t already do that yourself, you will someday because *our imaginations aren’t easily controlled/corralled*. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that so long as you’re not permanently adrift during sex, thinking about anything-except-your-partner. But if your mind wanders to sexy things — not involving your partner — because that helps you feel good or work your way towards climax? There’s nothing, at all, wrong with that. Like I keep saying: it’s natural. That’s how practically everyone’s sexual imagination works.
As for dealing with unwanted thoughts, [there’s all kinds of approaches you can take](https://rachelwrightnyc.com/moving-through-intrusive-thoughts-during-sex/). Personally, I think a little mindfulness training goes a long way. If you find yourself getting distracted, make it a point to bring your mind back in focus on what’s in front of you and you can literally tell yourself, “I’m ok, I’m ok.” You’d be surprised at how effective this can be to take the edge off of small anxieties we may encounter.
barely legal teens..? at 26? yeah, i would be concerned too. that doesnt seem right.
The “barely legal”…is a little eyebrow raising. However keep in mind that it’s normal to close your eyes during sex and that you can’t control what your partner’s thinking or fantasizing about.🤷🏼♀️
Unless he openly tells you that he’s fantasizing about someone else or yells out someone else’s name out loud during sex. Enjoy it.
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Honestly, those sound like fairly pedestrian porn genres.
You don’t have to change your mindset at all tbh. I hate porn and can’t be with someone who watches it. That’s my choice and how I live and I don’t accept less than I deserve. My partner doesn’t watch it at all.