Am I expecting too much?
Throw away account for anonymity. I am trying to gauge how much of my discontent with spouse is my own making and how to best approach it with her.
Background: I am 40 ish male. Wife is couple years older. We have 2 elementary age kids.
In our early years of marriage, I cooked 75% of the time, but she did dishes. We also went out to eat some because hey, no kids. She cleaned a bit more than me, but I fixed things around the house and mowed the grass. She watched a lot more TV than me, went out to lunch with friends, and I tinkered about with hobbies, gym, etc. I liked to think I was pretty helpful compared to other husbands.
Fast forward a decade: we both work from home. She makes more $$$ even though my job is actually busier (her career is more tech related). I grocery shop, I cook, I do over half of dishes. I do half of kid pick ups or drop offs, half of packing lunches. I’m there for kid bedtime routine 6 nights of the week. She handles emails with teachers / school and enrolling them in summer camps, etc but otherwise we are equally involved with kid stuff. I do all outside / lawn / fixing stuff around house (a bunch of renovation that would have cost a fortune to hire it all out). She doesn’t really clean anymore (like, hire a maid if it’s beyond vacuuming). I do both our laundry and put mine away, but hers sit in basket for weeks or until she wears it. She used to be neat and tidy, but now there is clutter everywhere I look, which I hate, but since it’s hers or kids stuff I’m bit lost to tackle it alone. If I tactfully bring it up, she snaps about it. She doesn’t care if house is messy to the point it takes an hour of cleaning to ever have a friend drop by and not be embarrassed. Her cooking is warming up premade Mac and cheese for kids or boiling some pasta once in a while. Zero desire to actually cook a meal.
Basically, I do more and more. She does less and less. As you might imagine, sex life is lop sided as well. Very little desire. I don’t suspect cheating, for many reasons, but practically because we are literally home together 90% of the time and she is awful at hiding anything.
I have read that women initiate 70% of divorces, and its even higher when they are the higher earner. So at my most pessimistic – the thought has occurred to me that she might be emotionally done but keeps me around because she always assumed she would have a family and it would be harder solo, and the social aspect of divorce seems awful to her, if she has considered it. If I asked for divorce, I would be the bad guy though and I think the fallout would outweigh any possible benefit to me. If I tell her much of how I feel, even if sugar coating it, I’m the bad guy though.
Tldr: Am I expecting too much from wife who doesn’t have the same energy that I do? Or is there a way to tell her I wished she was more without destroying marriage?
6 comments
Has she been assessed for depression?
How to say this: yes you will be the asshole and yet the alternative is to allow your resentment to grow until you break.
I would complain. I would accept that I am tossing my hands to the fire and praying that her heart and mine are still connected enough for her to see my struggle as something she would openly accept and desire to help. I would also mention to her that just because I need stress to be removed from my shoulders doesn’t mean I want her to take on that stress. For example, maybe you both decide to pay someone to mow your lawn, or maybe you get someone to occasionally help clean the house in your stead. You’re making a demand in a sense, but trying to be flexible with options to achieve that outcome.
Have you actually talked to her about how you feel or tried couples therapy? At this point, you’re building a lot of resentment that’s going to explode, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve clued her in to any of this. You could start by saying what you need specifically- for her to contribute more to cooking and cleaning, and to reconnect emotionally/sexually. If she’s still unwilling to even try to meet those needs, then yes, it’s time to talk divorce.
If she’s not willing to have a civil chat about the distribution of domestic labor then it’s going to be difficult to solve this resentment you feel, so that’s a problem for sure.
But the problem itself doesn’t sound that crazy or severe. Maybe it’s true you’re doing more than your fair share, and y’all need to re-negotiate or at least recognize and express gratitude for the things you do. I don’t have kids, but I can definitely understand how bad habits can form between the chaos of raising children and then end up in a lop sided rut.
It depends on if you feel the relationship is worth working on anymore. If it is, approach her from the angle of you’re not happy but you want to work on it–consider couples therapy so you can have more productive conversations and hopefully not devolve into petty fighting. If it’s not worth it to you, then.. yeah she might think you’re the “bad guy” but it seems like the feeling is mutual. Sometimes people are just better off co-parenting than trying to force co-habitation.
I just want to note that in a lot of households women often end up with a lot of invisible work (managing calendars, setting up social engagements, planning outings/trips, etc– things that take a lot of mental effort and planning but may not have much to show for it physically). I’m not saying that’s happening here, but it’s something to consider carefully before going in with your list of complaints.
I think it would be best to set some time aside and work on this with your spouse before anymore resentment grows. Whether it’s once a day or once a week, you can address these issues as a team and make your concerns known and develop a plan together on how to be better partners for each other.
She may not be aware of how unhappy you are with doing all of the chores. Let her know in a delicate way in a safe space where you can both be heard and have your chance to speak openly.
When you have been together for a while sometimes you may take your partner for granted. It may be nice if she gave you more praise or offered to help more around the house.
Talk to her.
If you want it to work – talk to her.
It sounds like you’re bored of the routine. There doesn’t seem to be any major problems here.. just normal life stuff. Consider the positive aspects and focus on that. Getting therapy would be a good idea.. Good luck