So we’ve been dating for almost a year and decide to move in together because we want our own place away from shitty housemates, and of course it’s the next big step for a long term relationship. However it has been just over two weeks and I’ve realised I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.
She has very poorly managed adhd, has been mooching off my resources for most of our relationship, can’t hold a job to financially contribute more, is extremely messy (literally just clutter and junk filling the floor, her old bedroom had mould on the carpets and walls that she didn’t even notice because it was covered with mess), stays up till 5am playing video games to the point where numerous times I have woken up to see she has fallen asleep on the couch with lights lefts on and electronics left running (keeping in mind this is my nice tv and ps5 that I provided the household, and I pay all the bills). I have brought up my concerns before and she dismisses them out of hand and hides behind her adhd as an excuse to not even acknowledge these are problems.
While I’ve been growing resentful because I have to either nag them about simple tasks or face the backlash of me expressing that their behaviour is unacceptable, and of course bearing the emotional and financial burden of running our new household, she has been resentful towards me for pressuring her and she feels judged by me.
Frankly at this point I’m done. I told my therapist about our situation and he said it sounds like she might have a personality disorder. I’m always honest with my therapist and tell both sides of the story, if anything I defend her in therapy. But him, and the number of friends I’ve talked to about my relationship all agree that my partner is emotionally immature and manipulative.
I just want a partner who is capable of contributing equally to our relationship and is more financially and practically responsible. And I don’t think she is able to meet those needs.
How do I go about ending this relationship when we’ve just signed a 12-month lease? I’ll have somewhere to go as my friend has offered I could move in with her when her housemate moves out, but that won’t be for a few months, and in the meantime I have to stay here and not rock the boat, pretend to be in love when I’m just not anymore. There’s Valentine’s Day, our anniversary, world pride… we literally have a housewarming planned. And I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to fake it until we can both afford to leave. I feel like such an idiot for believing that things would be different when we lived together.
2 comments
It’s time for you to stop communicating with others and start communicating with her. If it is not possible for her to be in therapy and work out the problems then don’t celebrate. Cancel the celebration and say something came up at work and you will reschedule for a later time and then either you can if you both are ready to move forward or don’t if you are not. A relationship requires both people to be involved. Sometimes both people aren’t giving their all and need a gentle reminder or assistance but not to the detriment of the other person’s wellbeing. Then, discuss how you or she can best leave. You might consider removing your expensive and distracting items for a time so they are not damaged or stolen if there is danger of that.
What is the out clause in the lease?
Do not fake it. If you want to break up, break up. Move to another bedroom if you can’t move out, or sleep on the couch until you can. Cancel the housewarming.