For instance on a date or even just a night out I’m never too sure how to act and at what pace when things start getting frisky; part of me things I should just run with the wolves and be intensely sexual trying to go all the way until they give me a clear stop sign, but part of me doesn’t want to do anything without a clear green light – not even running my hands up her thighs or any pre-foreplay stuff in case it’s not appreciated.
Any advice?
2 comments
There’s no set rule, but society tells us the male should lead. But society is wrong a lot of times!
Being forward can work great, but ask for consent with every escalation. That will keep you sure that you’re doing things they want to do and they’ll be more comfortable knowing you take consent seriously.
Be forward but I agree with CrushedVelvet below, ask for consent when you start to feel nervous that you’re pushing the envelope. It can be as simple as “is this okay?” or “I’d like to ____ now if you’re cool with it?” As cheesy at it feels, it’s the safest way to make sure your partner is on board with what is happening. Also, it gets easier the more you do it.
Looking for stop signs is a good thing but it shouldn’t be your only way because sometimes stop signs aren’t super clear. Just make sure you expand your ideas of what a clear stop sign is so that you don’t inadvertently ignore signs that your partner isn’t okay with what is happening.
I really like to give and look for enthusiastic consent. You can read more about it in many articles but it’s basically looking for an enthusiastic “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.” In other words, just because someone isn’t saying no doesn’t mean they are consenting to what is going on. It’s a good idea to model this so that your partner catches. It’s a little easier to make this sexy. Something like “I really like that you’re ______ right now” or “I really like the way you ____.”