I Dont want to have sex I’m not sure if it’s because something is wrong with me or I’m just not physically attracted to my husband anymore. But I just don’t want to. BUT I said I would and I want to know how to make myself want to have sex when I dont. When I know it’s getting closer to doing the deed I get mad and just want to create an argument or pray he goes to sleep so I don’t have to have sex. To me it’s just not worth it I showered and feel clean to get dirty again for 5-10 minutes of “fun”. I feel bad that I feel like I withhold sex from my husband but I just…… don’t want too.
Update: so we just tried and as he gets on top of me i ask if we can makeout so I could you know get wet instead of him using her spit to lube up and he stopped and said I’m making it unenjoyable and he kisses me. I told him I don’t want a kiss I want to makeout and he’s like no you made me into this way. I feel like if I’m communicating with you what I want to feel and get in the mood what’s the problem with that????? Then he gets mad and says we’ll try it again next time. Like it’s so frustrating that I don’t feel heard ever. When we have sex I do what he wants anal, blow jobs, on top whatever. The most he does for me is sucks my boobs THATS IT. I use to love kissing but my husband doesn’t even kiss me when he comes home and when I try to he dodges it. I hate my sex life and on my way to a dead bedroom at this point.
26 comments
Go to therapy
You shouldn’t force yourself to do it. If your husband is pressuring you to, then it’s coercion/rape. If you are just forcing yourself cause you feel bad, then you’re gonna traumatize yourself, it’s not good for your mental health and you’ll slowly start hating your husband instead of not being just attracted.
Well if you dont want to, you dont want to.
What else can we say?
A no is a no.
Open up the marriage for him then, let other women enjoy him since you wont.
The consequences i am sure you are familiar with already, resentment as you are showing now is on of the early stepping stones to a divorcee, and combine that with a dead bedroom or a partner who does not show up for sex is a killer for most people.
I am not sure what advice you would like us to give you ?
If we were to try to help you on somewhat of a way, i would say a doctors visit for general health, more outdoorsy activities, self discovery / masturbation to find somthing you enjoy is part of it.
Might even want to see a sex therapist.
Be as open to them that you dont feel like having sex.
Go to a relationship therapist if you can’t figure it out alone.
It sounds like the reason you don’t want to have sex with your husband anymore is because he hasn’t cared about your pleasure or need for intimacy for a very long while. You are not a sex dispenser. You’re his partner. If he can’t be bothered to treat you like that, then you’re better off with a dead bedroom while you prepare to divorce because forcing yourself is going to traumatize you.
After reading the update, I don’t think this problem is with you at all.
Sex is between 2 people. If he doesn’t want to make it enjoyable for you (at the very least making out as foreplay) why would he be bewildered that you don’t want to have sex? He is the one killing the bedroom.
I can understand if there are some things he’s not comfortable doing (like oral), but putting no effort into your enjoyment is a big no. There are many ways to help get you into it and he’s not even interested in trying??
Both of you should go to couples therapy (specifically for intimacy) and try to talk it out.
I also wouldn’t feel like having sex ever if my partner just saw me as a means to get himself off.
This is probably why you don’t want to have sex. The sex does nothing for you it’s just him using your body. You’ve got an aversion. And he apparently won’t listen to you or doesn’t care you don’t enjoy it? That’s pretty awful
I’m really sorry
NRE (new relationship energy) is usually the engine that makes people want to have sex. Did you feel this way when you and your partner were dating?
When did the situation change?
This is something you and your partner need to unpack with a therapist.
Your frustration at not being heard, at having no effort perform for your pleasure, and everything else that’s dysfunctional in your relationship…. all that has killed your libido.
Without intervention, a dead bedroom is all you have to look forward to.
I really hope you haven’t introduced children into the mix just yet because that variable really doesn’t help. And it’s hard on the kids that have parents that resent one another.
watch porn.
Lol. Your update is the reason you don’t want to have sex.
It’s because he is shit at it, and doesn’t care about your pleasure.
Echoing the below that you need couples therapy. It seems like neither of you are communicating what you want properly to each other – he dodges kisses from you without telling you why, and you create arguments to avoid sex. Both of these speak to a very risk-averse way of dealing with things; both of you would rather create smaller issues than deal with the bigger, more important ones.
Let me tell you that I am also a husband and I would never EVER “dodge” a kiss from my wife. That right there points to a SERIOUS issue, he is actively trying to avoid a perfectly normal expression of intimacy and the fact that you don’t know WHY he avoids kissing you means he isn’t communicating with you properly.
Given what you write, I would ask you to consider why you ever married this man? You don’t say that it used to be lovely and has gradually gotten worse so…did you date, and then agree to marry this man all while this has been the case, and if so WHY?
It seems like both of you have been just going through the motions with each other about what a husband and wife SHOULD do, when in reality there IS no should or shouldn’t. Many husbands and wives share a bed, many share a bed AND run businesses together, many sleep in separate bed, some sleep in separate rooms (if it’s to be believed, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have separate, but conjoined HOUSES). You two need a marriage counsellor to help you both learn to speak up about what you actually need. It may come down to it that you are just fundamentally sexually incompatible and need to separate (but if that turns out to be the case, is being single for a while really scarier than years more of this situation continuing to play out? I can’t believe that being single is worse than forcing yourself into sex you don’t want with a partner who doesn’t meet ANY of your needs!), but hopefully if you two can learn to let your guards down with each other and be honest and vulnerable you can learn to give and received what you both need.
His comment “no you made me into this” feels like you’ve been in a dead bedroom situation for a long time, and he is very resentful and a bit rapey.
It also reads like there’s not much emotional intimacy in the relationship, and that communication is not something that the two of you do well. In which case this outcome is nearly certain.
I’m not hopeful that you can salvage this, but if you want to, I think you are going to need to have some difficult conversations with him, and be psychologically prepared to handle them in a mature way.
Ok so if therapy is financially off the table and you want to work on this
– its ok to not have sex for a while
– there are self help books about oartner communication
– maybe try having a series of conversations about what you each like in bed and what you don’t like
– agree to no sex hookup nights where you put off limits the stuff you always do and see what else you come up with
Just read your update. Look. I have a very high libido. I left my husband because he never wanted sex. I stayed in that dead bedroom over 20 years before I got my act together and left.
But I also would never have bad sex. It sounds like that’s all he is offering you. It sounds like he just wants a sex doll and doesn’t care about bonding or mutual pleasure.
It might be time to decide if this marriage is worth staying in. Don’t take 20 years to decide like I did
Its perfectly normal not to want to have sex if it hurts because your husband refuses to do anything for you to be aroused.
NTA You’re obviously not connecting in other aspects of your marriage, so of course, that will play over into your bedroom. It sounds like other things need to get worked out and sex should be put on the back burner for now.
I highly recommend reading or listening to the book: Come As You Are
You need someone who will listen to you and who is willing to take it slow – this guy don’t fuck
Has this always been this way with your husband? The updated comments part.
Sounds like he’s making you feel used and unloved. Nothing will dry out my vagina faster than that, so I’m not surprised you’re unenthused about jumping on this man’s dick.
You answered a lot of your own questions in your update.
Sounds like your husband is unattractive/bad at sex.
When you think of other people do you find you maybe have interest? Do you have fantasies of things you’d like to do that’s just aren’t being done?
It sounds like you have a responsive desire – which usually means you need intimacy and flirting, more foreplay etc. I am similar to you in that way.
Could try audio erotica – Dipsea is a subscription but the audio is 🔥🔥🔥🔥🤤🤤 and there’s a lot of variety
But after reading the rest – spit is not sufficient lube. Lube is. If he doesn’t care that you aren’t ready for penetration you have larger issues there.
Sounds like you answered your own question. Who wants sex when it’s like that? I wouldn’t be able to be attracted to that guy either
Maybe start scheduling daily intimacy time to explore the sensual pleasure and get back on track.
A good silicone based lube like Exxtreme Glide Silicone, Pjur Backdoor, Uberlube… will be your second best friend!
Your update answers your question of why you don’t want sex. Your husband is using you are a fleshlight and is turning it back on you when you protest in any way. Why are you even still together?