[M34] Having issues performing [F36] after not having sex for a 14-15 months after having a kid

I have been with my wife for 9 years, who has been the only “long term” relationship I have had, and our sex life has gone through some ups and downs over the years.

When we started going out, I had a hard time staying hard (same issue with other women I had seen up until that point, but I was a late bloomer, so it was only a handful of times). My guess it was nerves/excitement “oh my god its actually happening”, but also may have been because of my masturbation habits I had developed through my young adult life, usually masturbating every other day or so. Over time, we got over the hump and started performing consistently, and my porn watching decreased to maybe once or twice a week.

Over the years the sex frequency was inconsistent, sometimes having sex once a month or longer, other times once a week. I still looked at porn, sometimes watched porn together, which we both enjoyed. A handful of times when we wanted actual sex I couldnt perform as I had watched porn the night before, which brought back some bad memories of the beginning of our relationship (but it was few and far between). One time it was really unfortunate timing as she had got lingerie on, and she took it as I wasnt attracted to her with it on (I was younger, and made a comment that it wasnt revealing enough). All and all, she hasnt tried it on since, which I would love to change.

Cut to several years later, my wife got pregnant, so sex dropped off quite a bit, though for a month or so her sex drive ramped up (I have a much higher sex drive than her – preferring sex several times a week, but she doesnt seem to prioritize it), but once my son was born the sex completely stopped (a pretty tough birth with an emergency C-Section). We cosleep with him, so sex was pretty much impossible, over the months I got back into my old habits of watching porn every other day, because I had almost given up the possibility of sex over a 14-15 month period.

Then, my wife went back to work (we both work from home in the bedroom), and slowly but surely, we worked out a way to try to have sex when we both have slow days at work. But, the original problem happened again….I couldnt get hard. It could be that same anxiety/excitement of actually having sex, or the fact that Im trying to “get into the mood” during the work day. But now, all the fear of not performing is in my head, or if I had masturbated too soon before having sex. After a few attempts, blowjobs seem to do the trick, but Im always afraid of “losing it” to switch to penetrative sex as that has happened before (basically it “slips out” and isnt as hard as it was)

All I want in the world is to have a “sex life” again, and my little guy (and brain) is too wrapped up in the past traumas to perform consistently. So, Ive cut back masturbating to 2-3 weeks at a time, so I can at least rule out the “masturbating too soon before actual sex” variable.

But, it is challenging to keep this up, as I have NO idea when we will have sex again (our work schedules dont always match up, she might not seem in the mood, that time of the month, etc). After 3-4 days its all I can think about, and I just want to do SOMETHING sexual, but I stop myself because I know another attempt will be coming on the horizon and I want to be ready.

Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated. I know I shouldnt put so much importance on “performing”, and I can get my wife off no problem, but I know she is really missing the penetrative sex and WANT it to go back to the way it was. Thank you.