For context, I attend a relatively small boarding school in the middle of nowhere. Super selective and somewhat prestigious, I was overjoyed when I first heard that I got in. After my first semester here, I don’t feel that way anymore. While it is an opportunity I’ll forever be grateful for, I wish I never left home to come here. Everyone seems to have their own friend circles while I am a loner. I thought I had made some friends but they all only talked to me if I go to them first. Certain things also happened which made it such that it was clear that I was nothing but a nuisance to them. Now that my second semester has started, I thought I made more new friends, we hung out a lot and had a lot of things in common. Today, they told me that they feel that I have been violating their personal space by forcing myself into their friend group. I didn’t know how to feel except sad. I have always been bad at understanding social cues, no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to read the room. I have been to therapy for these issues and I am still trying to work on it. I never knew that my friends felt this way. Had I known this before, I would have left them alone. I feel alone again. I don’t know what I can do about anything. I feel like I want to leave this school, but I’m in my second to last year here and my credits for the current grade can’t be transferred. I feel like such a terrible human being. Please tell me what I can do to make things better. Anything works.
24 comments
Leave them alone, study and try to find something that you can be a master at and practice it. Spend this time just getting to know yourself, seems all you can hope for
Also, some people are just shit human beings, get used to it and find a way to be perfectly content with yourself as company. Sorry I have nothing more helpful
I’m sorry that happened to you, beautiful! đ„ș Listen, I’m going to give you an honest answer you probably wont like, but here it goes.
EVERYONE wants to make friends. Friends are honestly over rated. All you need is family, and ONE really good friend, MAYBE 2! You can socialize and be chill with anyone who wants to talk, but don’t pour out your personal life, hoping to befriend them.
You’re not going to school to make friends. You are going there to learn and look like the BAD ASS you are on your resume once you finish college!
Psychology, if you quit and go home, every time you lose a “friend” or go through a break up. It will put you through a severe depression.
I like to think of bad situations like this as a test. Am i going to let it eat me or am I going to say “Fuck off!” and keep smiling.
So you need to fight this now! Fuck them girls! Don’t talk to them! If they say “hey” to you, politely say hi and nothing more.
Please focus on how happy you were to come to school. Things will work out! I promise.
Hmmm, first post, 6 month old account, wrote a clickbait title…
Hits all the hallmarks of a Reddit karma thread. Boarding school, breaking of social cuesâŠIâm calling fake.
You can take control of the situation by being content with your own company.
Say hello to people, have a brief conversation with them, but donât rely on them. That way you can work on the outskirts on your own terms.
It will make you feel empowered. Yes you might feel a bit lonely sometimes but thatâs better than someone being mean to you and rejecting you.
If a friendship comes up naturally embrace it, but always know that you are independent and can be by yourself.
Concentrate on going to the library and remember, a lot of people do not end up staying in contact with school friends into adulthood. Your investment should be in your education if youâre at a prestigious school, not fickle âfriendshipsâ
Gotta just focus on you and what brings you pleasure and satisfaction. Then you’ll naturally be in touch with people in what will feel like a more natural way.
Get on the first flight and don’t contact no one QUICK!!!
It sounds like those friends are the ones who need to work on recognizing social ques and how they interact with others. You didn’t do anything wrong. Forget those losers. Don’t leave the school so you can still get the benefits of finishing a prestigious school. You’ll find better friends, at school or otherwise.
If you can’t find friends in there then leave and make some friends outside. They aren’t your only options
You are too close to the finish line to stop, so donât.
What is really helpful is to find some sports and activities where the reward is intrinsic and not extrinsic. Team sports usually have extrinsic rewards, like the team winning tournaments and games, but other individual sports have mostly intrinsic rewards, where you compete against yourself. Most racquet sports, golf, skiing, shooting, etc. It is you against a single opponent, you against yourself, or you against the course. Those activities are where you will find people with whom you have more in common, personality wise and socially.
You are simply trying to get accepted into an incompatible group, and that is ok. Being small school and remote may not offer enough diversity to be able to find what you need, but you are almost past that. Stick it out.
You didn’t do anything wrong, some people are just like that, nothing you can do about it. Maybe you are not looking for this kind of advice but i would suggest to focus on your hobbies or skills you want to get better at, develop a liking for new activities (reading for example) and try to be the best version of yourself, if you don’t do sports or something related start going to the gym or find a sport you enjoy. It’s not always easy to make friends, but trust me, if you start focusing on yourself, you will feel way better (and probably you will find friends through your journey).
:]
(Sorry for bad English, it’s not my native language)
OUCH! I am much, much older (40s) but I remember experiencing and feeling like this. I can still remember the talk my âfriendsâ gave me in the cafeteria in high school. Iâve recently been doing some journaling and reflecting on these things – sadly they oftentimes follow you through adulthood, and shape your experiences moving forward.
For years, I berated myself, called myself stupid, silly, and naive. But Iâve been getting into self-compassion, and being mindful of how I talk to myself. You did nothing wrong, having friends and finding a tribe to bond with us normal, natural, and to be expected. Thereâs nothing strange or weird about that, that is literally what we are biologically hard-wired to do. You did the best you knew to do with what you knew.
Be kind and gentle with yourself. Take it as a learning experience. Learn to read social cues, keep being friendly, move on if they – or you – arenât feeling it.
And BTW, some of those fake high school friends actually approached *me* in adulthood to hang out and be friends. Life is really funny. đ
You say that you’ve done something bad — what was it? You say that you feel like a terrible human being — why?
You tried to make some friends and they rejected you. But you didn’t do anything bad and being rejected does not make you a terrible human being. Your social skills could stand some improvement, just like everyone else. Since you can’t transfer your credits, stick with it for now. This has been another learning experience, which is what you are there for.
Iâm sorry youâre going through that. Its so heartbreaking when people you consider friends donât feel the same way about you. Been there.
Do you have anything youâre interested in?
I have been in boarding school for 10 years and been through good and bad of it if you wanna talk feel free
If you don’t get bullied I think it will one of the best experience or you can spend years like my last 2 years I made group of 5 friends and didn’t talk to anyone except them started writing drawing reading and enjoying my own company and phone tv was banned in our campus or outside stuff so u had to talk to pass time
ButâŠyou didnât really step over their boundaries. You were just being friendly. Those type of âfriends,â are not worth your energy and heartache. People like that are close minded and will always be cliqueyâthrough their entire lives, and I think thatâs sad. You WILL find a friend. Donât force it, donât obsess over it. tThey will come to you when theyâre supposed to, and I promise you, there are others at your school who feel the same way. Is there a group you can join? A club or something?
Do you seriously, inside yourself, believe that you did something horrible? Or did those people just phrase it in a way that makes you feel really bad?
They’re semi clueless kids, too. Did they *express* their boundaries with skillful communication? Likely not.
They talked to you, sounds like they came on too strong, which tends to happen with people who didn’t communicate their boundaries at the appropriate time– then it gets communicated too strongly, later. Most of us are prone to this, and they did it.
You shouldn’t have to feel like dirt just because their behavioral skills are also somewhat clumsy.
At the same time, you found out that people you thought were your friends aren’t–so that legitimately feels bad. But you don’t have to feel bad because of this extra clumsy dimension of what they said, on top of that.
I changed schools in High School and had no friends for awhile. It’s rough… think of yourself as a marathon runner and the marathon seems long, but it’s not really as long as it seems. You can do this. Take care of yourself and don’t let other people wear you down.
You might also look into talking to a school counselor for help with social advice and handling the stress.
You are doing good. You are doing well in school. You also put yourself out there socially. It will get better.
Not knowing how to read the room sounds like undiagnosed autism, adhd, or being on the spectrum. That was one of the huge things for me. Not to encourage bad things, but the first time I even realized there was a room to read, let alone people in it looking at me, was when I smoked weed. Donât feel too bad. It feels like the end of the world but reading this you have no reason to beat yourself up. Hope this helps
I feel for you, girl. I’ve always been a bit socially awkward. People can be jerks, especially teenagers. All you can do is just try to make friends, but don’t force it. That’s just mean. What did you say to them in return?
Grin and bear it for this semester. Things will get better. So sorry this happened. You sound like a good person
Itâs been a long time since I was the new kid at school but you have to experiment with different cliques, you canât just try an unilaterally install yourself as a permanent member to the first (or second) one. You need to meet everyone. Try a third, fourth, maybe fifth group and keep in casual contact with the first two. Once youâve met more people, everyone will have more of an idea if yâall annoy each other, are on the same page about only certain things and only want to hang out sometimes, or are totally copacetic. Also, stop worrying so much about socializing. When you feel sad and navel gazey about things, go read a silly book or study or go for a run. And uh, do more sports. Talking with new friends is one thing but playing a game of ball is a way more casual vibe, and more fun! Go throw a frisbee đ„
Unfortunately, sometimes the most elite/prestigious places are the least accepting of differences. They tend to have more uniform, cliquish populations than a larger place. A school having good academics doesnât mean itâs a good fit for everyone. A school that leaves you isolated is not good for you, no matter how good the academics may be. You need to be able to participate in the community, and youâre not being afforded that opportunity.
If you can, Iâd start by talking this over with your therapist and/or your parents. This school may not be a good environment for you. Maybe it would be worth considering returning home. Maybe you can go to a public school with more diversity, maybe a magnet school so you have access to more targeted academics. Youâll probably have better luck finding at least a couple of friends. It only takes 1-2 friends to make a world of difference.
Iâm really glad youâre getting social skills therapy. If you havenât, maybe it would be a good idea to get evaluated for autism spectrum disorder. Some people have difficulty with social without having a disorder (me), but other people are neurodivergent. If you are on the spectrum, having a diagnosis could help you understand yourself better, as well as open doors to therapies and services.
You are not terrible, you are young and stuck in a setting that can be difficult for everyone. Push through your school years, because it does get better and easier to make friends once you are older
I wish I could give you a big hug đ«
I’m sorry you experienced that, that sounds like a tough situation to be in. It is totally understandable to be feeling what you are right now, this is a natural response. I also do feel you’re being quite hard on yourself so take some deep breaths when these thoughts come up & even if it feels unnatural or weird or insincere, try to focus on self-compassion & what you do actually have to be grateful for, even if in that moment it is simply breathing. You have a safe place to reside. You are so close to finishing school. You’ve learned some new lessons about people (the hard way unfortunately).
These aren’t your people OP, that does NOT mean that you won’t find your people! I tend to notice that at younger ages some people have a harder time fitting in with their school friends but then they graduate & life starts to change. You meet types of people you never encountered before, people that think like you. You start to see that the world is so much bigger than when you felt so alone in school. In hindsight, you look back on these years with compassion for your younger self & thank them for enduring the hard times, you wish you could hug your younger self & tell them that life changes and that there are good friends out there, you just haven’t met them yet. I’m sorry op, I haven’t been in your exact situation but I’ve been in my own similar ones, and life takes you so far from that place as you get just a little bit older. I don’t even think of those people anymore. Please hang in there. Dont quit school yet.
Have you looked into neurodivergence? You might find some very relatable content there, you might find a place that feels like home. If you feel you relate to that, you will also meet other like minded people that have similar struggles & on the flipside, similar interests. You’ll find your people OP even if these last couple terms in school sucks, don’t lose hope. Think about your future self thriving, day dream about it. And stop trying to make friendships work with the wrong people. Focus on what you can to build self esteem, interests & hobbies.