Sex is hit or miss for us….when it is good it is absolutely mind-blowing! However, he struggles with anxiety (only surrounding sex), so probably about 25-50% of the time he either struggles to stay hard or can’t cum during PIV sex. He can almost always cum with oral, and doesn’t like handjobs (fine with me, not much point in doing something he has perfected doing himself). He swears he is very attracted and turned on, and everything feels great. Yes he has gone to the dr, yes they have said it is psychological, no he isn’t going to go to therapy. He did start doing the mojo program a few weeks ago, but nothing seems very different. I’m trying so hard to be understanding, but its killing my self esteem and desire. Idk what to do anymore….
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What kind of overall physical health is he in. Can he walk up 4-5 flights if steps without getting winded?
How old? When I turned 45 things got a little less reliable.
When I malfunction (due to anxiety) it gets resolved by 3 things.
1. Don’t dwell on it. The more disappointed we both act the more anxious I become.
2. Focus on her. Toys, mouth, fingers are all working. Be patient and enjoy her pleasure.
3. Be prepared to extend the session (or make love later). Just because things aren’t working as expected now doesn’t mean they won’t a little later.
Aside from that, stay rested, hydrated, and relaxed beforehand.
I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. They said it’s psychological. It’s a bad spiral I’ve heard before, he’s anxious sex will go bad, so he has a hard time performing, so he’s even more anxious next time, and so on.
Have you asked him to go to therapy? What did he say?
Do you know for a fact if he’s watching porn or not?
It may or may not get better until the underlying cause is addressed.
My best guess is that it’s performance anxiety. He probably had an abusive father or mother who always corrected his actions. Thus, he feels like anything he does is potentially under scrutiny.
I’d suggest a therapist/psychiatrist combo. Maybe a super low dose benzo or even marijuana would help with it.
My 2nd best guess is low T. I’m 36 and have the testosterone of a 60yr+ without the occasional injection.
Performance anxiety is real.
It will only get better if it’s less anxiety inducing.
If he’s having trouble with an erection and you reassure him that it’s no big deal and have him focus on something else – it will diminish his anxiety.
Example: seems like your dick isn’t cooperating. Don’t worry about it, it’s **you** who I crave. Please eat my pussy.
When he focuses on your pleasure, he won’t think about his failing dick as much. That might actually result in a good erection!
Much success.
I’d say just give him time and space to try to resolve the issue. He’s likely caught in a feedback loop of feeling anxious, that affecting his performance, and then causing him to feel more anxious. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, although your feelings to the contrary are natural. I have a buddy who went through something similar, and he found that taking a viagra once or twice to make sure he could stay hard helped him get over it. Getting a few positive experiences in with chemical assistance helped him break the anxiety feedback loop
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What happens when he goes soft in the middle of sex? Like, what’s the atmosphere when it happens? Can you figure out a way to continue the fun when that happens? Or is this an air of “great, now the mood is ruined”? Because it might be a self perpetuating cycle, where he’s afraid that he’ll lose his erection and that will ruin the mood, and then that anxiety makes him go soft, and then the mood is ruined. But if the mood ISN’T ruined and he can see that you’re still having a great fun sexy time even when he isn’t hard, maybe that can help break the anxiety cycle. And it’s probably a good idea to figure out ways to have fun with intimacy that doesn’t rely on your husband’s erection, because that gets more unreliable with age.
I just posted an update….