In my 20s I didn’t care about physical attraction. I was in love and had strong emotional and intellectual connection with my first partner for years and he’s not conventionally attractive. In the past few years I’ve found that while emotional connection is still the most important for me, I can’t seem to feel fully attracted to someone based solely on that. I’ve recently become convinced that physical attraction might be a big factor for me and it’s a bit confusing. I’ve found that I can actually be or feel so attracted to someone without much of an emotional connection.
What led to the discovery: I had a first date with someone last week where it seemed that we both felt instant strong physical attraction for each other and it ended up in sex. Probably the most handsome man I’ve seen and I was smitten — I’ve dated quite a bit last year and have gone on dates with attractive men before, but never clicked with anyone like I did this time. It’s weird cuz we didn’t have much in common. But we both wanted something serious and got along well otherwise. He did something during the sex that made me stop seeing him. However it was actually the best sex I’ve had minus the thing he did. Still think about him but it’s kind of an irredeemable breach of trust for me after just one date so I’m moving on.
Fast forward I’m(30F) now seeing someone else who’s a bit older(41M) and he’s the most thoughtful men I’ve dated, also a great conversationalist and more mature. Better intellectual compatibility as well. Basically a great match except that I’m not physically attracted to him (yet) and not sure if I’d be. It’s been only one date and I’m going on a second to figure it out, though we’ve kissed.
Actually also going on a second date with another guy but the situation is similar: I thought he was cute and we got along but I didn’t feel a strong attraction either.
It’s such a drastic contrast that I wonder if I just simply care about physical attraction much, much more than I thought. Or that there’s a kind of physical chemistry that would actually turn me on in a way that I’d never imagined. But should I just chalk it up to hormones and focus on building emotional connection? I’ve read that insane chemistry typically doesn’t end well.
Has anyone felt the same way? Or am I just getting extra horny in my 30s?
19 comments
More important to me now.
When I first started dating, I would go on dates with guys I wasn’t exactly attracted to and just wasted both of our times. Attraction can build but it’s rare imo
More important. In my 30s now and if you dont meet my standards get the fuck out of here
I’m 29F and honestly can’t even imagine dating someone I’m not attracted to. And I’m not saying they should be conventionally attractive, just that *I* have to be attracted to them. I don’t understand why this is considered such a taboo sometimes.
Love is NOT blind and that’s totally fine.
Its never been a real factor for me in dating. I tend to grow to find partners attravtive as i develop feelings.
I am a guy. It is certainly possible for a woman to seem more or less attractive as I get to know her. However, I am surprised at the people who say they have to go on a few dates to know if they are physically attracted to someone. I know who I find attractive within a second or two.
Physical fitness (not exactly attractiveness, but closely related) has become more important to me. As I have paid closer attention, the women whose personalities I like are much more likely to be in good shape. That’s because I value energy and enthusiasm.
More important. It takes a lot more for me to want to be in a relationship with someone now than it did in my 20s & early 30s. I’ve hurt a lot of people in the past dating them when I only felt a so-so attraction to them. Now I know what I *must* have in someone to remain interested in them a year or more down the road.
I knew you were a woman from the question and then first sentence
Far more important to me. When I was younger I wasn’t too picky, but after years of busting my ass at the gym and becoming the best physical version of myself, my standards are way higher in what I find physically attractive in a woman.
More for sure. But maybe it was always important. It’s just that my “type” has changed actually
Don’t care if she’s short, tall, fat, skinny, a 10, a 5. It’s all about how I’m treated now.
It’s definitely important to me. Physical attraction is the first thing that draws me towards them and want to get to know them better. I also value health a lot. I may get downvoted for this but it’s the main reason I don’t date bigger woman.
I’ve started putting more emphasis on physical attraction. I’ve seen it’s value more now.
It’s still the same
“Has physical attraction become more or less important to you?”
No, it’s about the same as it always has been for me.
Being *attracted to a woman* is the impetus for me to approach her for a date let alone sex.
Physical attraction is still just as important to me. My partner has to be the full package for me, someone I am attracted to on all levels, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically; I don’t see the point in being with someone otherwise. 8 billion people on this earth, why settle for someone who doesn’t tick your boxes? Especially when the alternative to settling is being alone, which sounds good to me too.
Editted to add: I am F25
More important. Cause these women out here have nothing to offer.
I’m 15 and already failing life, romantic-wise. I gave up on it. I have a personal love story of mine when I was in 5th grade. Doesn’t end well though, obviously.
less important to me now. all of my exes have been very attractive but our relationship didn’t last long because we wanted different things. i’m young, 20 but i have pretty “traditional” values and i feel it’s more important to have a strong bond over our shared values
Story of my fuckin life Jesus, I feel like I wrote this 😂
I think attraction has levels. I can think someone is attractive, but that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them. It has to be a perfect mixture of physical/sexual attraction (because those are both very different for me) as well as an emotional connection and how they make me feel. I have always been in long term relationships and never actually dated much. I was married for 8years and he wasn’t what I needed on a physical attraction level (as well as other problems) and I just didn’t know this was the issue. when we divorced and I started dating a lot is when I realized the different levels of attraction matter, or maybe it matters more as I age like you said?? It just takes a specific person to get me consistently in the mood, otherwise I don’t have a sex drive 🤷