Hello, I’m 23(f) and I’ve been single for 3 years now. I was in a 2-year relationship from 2018 until 2020. I found out after 2 years that my SO was cheating on me from day one of the relationship. With hundreds of women. This is why I hate Snapchat. I don’t care to get into the details because it’s been a long time and I’ve healed somewhat. But as much hope as I have for wanting to feel love again or give that to anyone, I am too afraid to allow myself to feel that again. It’s as if my body is physically rejecting itself and telling me no, even if I start to feel like I can put myself out there again. That feeling of putting myself out there never lasts—it’s more periodic and circumstantial. And I’m so cautious with the people I meet. I feel like I can’t be my genuine self anymore and have to keep an eye out for red flags. And red flags is all I see.
TLDR: I (23f) struggle to allow myself to be open to relationships and feel like my relationship trauma will never truly go away. Any advice?
3 comments
It’s possible, sounds like there are still things holding you back clearly that need to be acknowledged and dealt with first. As we all develop and increase healthy self-esteem we can further accept what is beyond our control to focus more on what is, because we can only accept or not accept others, the focus should be on our own thoughts and actions.
It is both possible and essential if you want a long term relationship.
First it requires you to take accountability for your choices and actions. This is a tough step because then you must ask questions like “did I give my best effort to listen to his wants or needs” “was I open to hearing out his criticism of me when he was open enough to criticize” “why did I pick him in particular” etc.
The second is to forgive yourself for your mistakes and to reaffirm your desire to not repeat those mistakes. “I recognize that I got too caught up in how I felt about this thing or that thing and I need to do better at apologizing when I react in emotion” or “you know, when he asked me to help him, the least I could’ve done was to acknowledge his presence instead of continuing to scroll on my phone.”
Third is to force yourself to be more willing to be curious about not just the guy you like, but in general what men like. When talking to guys, ask questions about why they give certain girls more attention than others, and what makes them more or less likely to stay in a relationship.
If you do these three things then you are less likely to run into the same problems when you do eventually find another man who seeks your attention.
Have you been to therapy?
Also, how much energy and time do you put into loving yourself first? If you don’t fill your own love jar up first, it’s going to be hard.
If you get good at loving yourself and focusing on you, you won’t put all your happiness into another person (you never really should anyway)
Find a way to complete yourself. When you’re ready, find someone to share your completeness with.