Posting for a friend without Reddit:
I (28F) have been doing a long distance relationship my boyfriend (32M) for 6 months. This has been the most emotionally mature relationship I’ve been in and we’re so compatible. I have some major concerns if we go further:
– Distance: We live on opposite sides of the country. We have discussed coming up with a plan to close the distance.
– Income: I make six figures and he makes a low five. At first it didn’t bother me, but if we get married, I would be the breadwinner in an expensive location where people would struggle without two high incomes. I don’t want us to be fully reliant on mine. It’s too much pressure. If we have comparable incomes, that’s best so we evenly bear the burden.
– Ambition: I work anywhere between 50-60 hours a week in hopes of rising in the ranks at work. I grew up in a very poor country, and I never want to go back to my family and I struggling for scraps. So I work hard for financial security.
I don’t know what my boyfriend’s ambition is. He works a low stress job, so he’s able to play video games for 4-6 hours a day. He wants to do more, but what that is is unclear. My biggest fear is that we get married and after a hard day, I come home to him playing video games. I don’t want to be married to a man child. He has so much potential and is aware of his flaws, but action is important.
His friends are telling me I have much more to offer than my boyfriend does. Something I subconsciously knew for some time, but I liked his personality so much that I wanted to give it a try.
I haven’t talked to him about any of the concerns except the video game situation which has gotten a teeny bit better. I am also not sure if I’m thinking too far, but feel that these questions are going to come up eventually.
How do you figure out if it’s worth staying with someone? Is it worth giving him time to get his shit together? If so, how long?
5 comments
It helps to make a pros vs cons list. If one outweighs the other, that’s a sign of what to do
The video games will stick with him forever fyi
You keep saying things like “I don’t want to marry someone who…” or “I’m worried I’ll be doing more than him” and it’s like you don’t have to. You know what I mean? Like don’t put as much pressure on that part of it. These are important topics to bring up though for sure, I’m not saying they’re not
These traits you’ve described are unlikely to change. Marrying someone for the qualities they have is different than marrying someone and pinning our own hopes and aspirations onto them for the future. That’s a form of limerence.
Many people are not ambitious. If you value ambition highly, does he fit that at all? If his values are a low stress career and leisure time, and you equate that to being a man child, that’s a BIG difference in more than just values. That said, is he living this lifestyle bc you don’t live together yet? How has he been in his past relationships? There’s also a difference between enjoying a little freedom while being single and it being a personality trait of laziness or depression or similar. Maybe his closest friends are on those games too. Who knows.
Something my therapist said to me: I would make a list of the non negotiable qualities you want in a long term partner, putting him out of you mind while you do the exercise. Then list your life goals. List his qualities, then his life goals. You may need to ask him, but if you sense he’s going to be evasive, initially maybe do it in a casual way that is during a conversation that is not necessarily constructed around what you want. Bc this could result in him telling you what you want to hear. People will disagree with this, so maybe you do have a serious and open conversation; I don’t know, only you know that.
My point is that sometimes people say they have similar goals to our own, not necessarily out of deceit, but bc they may not know yet or they genuinely want to please you bc they love the person. Not bad, per se, but maybe not honest, and maybe simply due to a lack of self awareness at that time. I know a few couples where it’s a case of opposites attract and one couple is more ambitious and goal driven like yourself, and the other partner is more outgoing or spontaneous or creative or whatever, and together, they make a dynamite team. In those instances, they create more together than separately bc they each work to their strengths and encourage the other to get out of their comfort zone. And that’s pretty damn inspiring.
If you see your differences through that lens, of a yin and Yang and a potential benefit to you both, and not criticize each other for qualities or tendencies that the other doesn’t possess and understand (the video games being a sign of childishness vs him seeing it as a hobby/entertainment/connection to friends) you may be able to build something really cool. Perhaps he encourages you to try something new and spontaneous, while you help him plan for the goals he may want but perhaps doesn’t know how to achieve. Just an idea.
> Is it worth giving him time to get his shit together?
At 28 and 32? **NO**, he has had enough time to get his shit together. Stop waiting for potential that is never going to be fulfilled.