I’ve been dating my fiancé for just over a year now, i moved in with him pretty quickly, we got engaged 6 months ago, and we plan on having a child together within 2 years or so. nothing in our relationship feels rushed though, it all feels as if it’s happening very naturally.
My fiancé is one of 5 children, the youngest one and the only boy so naturally, his mother and his 4 older sisters have done everything for him before he met me. His sister Hayley used to do all his washing, clean his flat and even cook him meals. Since i moved in with him however, I made it pretty clear that i wouldn’t be prepared to do everything for him and we should split household responsibilities. He agreed and while he isn’t the best at keeping his half of chores done, he genuinely tries and I don’t mind picking up a few extra ones, as long as he’s made an effort with the rest. I’d say it’s 50/50 most days though.
I get on well with all of his family, his mother tells him he needs to keep on top of his home responsibilities and keeping our flat tidy and most of his sisters agree, however Hayley confronted me the other day about how I don’t make my fiancé lunch for him to take to work. I said that no, I don’t do that, he usually just buys lunch from the cafeteria.
She bought up how she makes her husband lunch every day as well as for their four children to take to school, and her brother works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, so why don’t i make lunch for him since i’m going to be marrying him soon?
I explained I also do 12 hour shifts, including 12 hour night shifts 5 days a week and it’s not an issue for us both to buy food from the cafeteria. She went silent for a few moments before asking me if I do all of the laundry while he’s at work to which i replied, “no, we take it in turns and split these things equally. He washes the laundry, i’ll fold and put it all in the closet.”
She gave me a funny look and then said “Well you’re going to give up your job soon, right?” I said I didn’t plan to do that and I didn’t realise I was expected to do so. she said of course I am expected to do so, im going to be married in a couple of months to this man who is hard working and needs someone to look after him, his wife can’t be working night shifts and expecting HIM to do housework. it should be ME doing it all.
I said that wasn’t really something me and my fiancé had spoken about and she just said he probably assumed I was going to give up my job. After all, what were our plans when we eventually have a child together, was I going to be a working parent?
I said that was most likely, of course i’d take SOME time off work to look after our child but eventually i’d return to work. She immediately started saying I HAVE to be a stay at home mom and a stay at home wife, that’s probably the only reason my fiancé is marrying me, so that he will have someone to look after him and our baby.
I got really upset and later spoke with my fiancé about this and he said the choice is mine, he doesn’t expect me to be a stay at home wife or mom, but maybe I should discuss this with his sister a bit more. I said i didn’t really want to speak to her at the moment.
Am I being unreasonable? What’s your opinions on stay at home wives/husband/parents? How can I explain to Hayley that being a stay at home wife probably isn’t something i’ll end up doing?
17 comments
That is something to be discussed with your partner. He needs to tell his family to back off.
Why should you discuss it with his sister? Its a discussion you need to have with your fiancé not his sister.
No of course you’re not being unreasonable. That’s insanity, I didn’t know we were in the 1950s again. That isn’t how life works anymore. I’m also bothered that your fiancé had little to say about it. This is something you need to discuss with him more before you approach the SIL again.
Your fiancé needs to speak for himself because if he really does have these expectations you would want to know and if he doesn’t he should let his sister know.
It’s his sister. He needs to tell her to back the fuck off.
And if she brings any of this up again to you directly? “Hayley, you run your home the way you want and we will do the same in ours. I don’t want to discuss this again.”
Honestly, she’s probably jealous. Shes got four sprogs and a useless husband at home. She has no income of her own. She has nothing outside the home for herself. So by golly, you should be just as miserable as she is.
The SIL needs to back way off. It isn’t her business at all what you decide to do with the family you’re planning on having with your fiance. Whether you become a SAHM/W is entirely up to you. Your fiance can have some input, but it’s your decision ultimately. Why should you talk to her? You aren’t marrying her. Sounds like she’s projecting onto you.
No you are being completely reasonable. I would tell him to talk to his sister. I think you’ve already made yourself very clear to her.
Of course you should continue to work and share all of the domestic and financial responsibilities. These ladies are lazy and you are shaming them with your work ethic
not sure why you need to explain to Hayley that being a stay at home wife isn’t something you’ll end up doing.
Where are you from / where do you live? This doesn’t sound very western of his sisters. That said, you definitely need to discuss this stuff in detail before getting married. You can’t marry someone with good discussions of your deepest values, future family life, kids, responsibilities, etc. of course you’re allowed to change over time, but going in without any agreed upon expectations is a recipe for future disaster.
Who cares what his sister thinks. It’s a decision you and your partner make, not her.
Why does a 30 year old want to marry you?
Not for healthy reasons.
Super red flags 🚩
Why would you discuss your relationship or future choices with Haley? I feel like he maybe asked Haley to have these discussions with you. You need to get these decisions determined BEFORE you get married. You are very young and shouldn’t be tied to someone who has different view points then you.
“Doesn’t feel rushed” but you haven’t talked about if you’d give up your job after marriage. Have you talked about finances? What you see your expenses being, what you want to save up for and how many vacations you want to ideally take in a year? Have you talked about how you plan on raising your children? What type of discipline, parenting methods, religion? Do you know his debt? Does he know your debt? 10 year goals? 30 year goals?
It’s rare that a post has a 🚩in almost every paragraph.
This is none of his sister’s business
Why you should discuss this with his sister? It’s 21th century girl! You’re right and it’s good of both you have this arrangement. Don’t involve his family on your decisions as a couple. This never ends well.