Stuck in a rut
Hi everyone. My hubby and I seem to be in the “roommate” stage of our relationship. We’ve been together 7 years and married 2 (8 years in sept 3 years in July). We had a really hard year last year and I actually moved out and asked for a divorce. We came back together and were doing really well for a while but now I feel like we more back to where we were before.
Our communication sucks. He always feels like I’m complaining and don’t appreciate him (which is not true) but i feel like im always doing everything myself. Every time I try and talk to him it’s good for a few days and then we’re back to where we started.
We aren’t intimate hardly anymore. I mean I could count on both hands the amount of times we’ve had sex in the last YEAR.
There’s not effort for anything. Holidays he drops the ball. He didn’t even get me anything for my birthday. And I ALWAYS go all out for him which I don’t know why cause I always get nothing in return.
I seem to be the only one that buys groceries and the needs for our kids (diapers, wipes, things like that).
He wants to do couples therapy but we can’t afford it right now so I got into this app that connects us both and has is answer questions about our relationship which he thought was a great idea. But he doesn’t engage.
We had a date night a couple weeks ago which we haven’t had in AGES. I got dressed up and ready and hair and makeup (which I don’t do often) cause I was excited!! He didn’t even bother to shower or even shave. He put on worn out jeans and a tshirt. I paid for dinner, drinks and our movie that we saw. We hardly talked and then he fell asleep during our movie. But on the way home he stopped at the store to get beer?
I cried the whole way home after he asked if I had fun. I feel like our relationship is just…. Ugh. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried sitting down and talking with him but it just doesn’t seem to go anywhere.
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or if I just need to vent. I don’t really have any one to talk to.
TLDR; my husband and I aren’t in a good place and I don’t know what to do. Relationship is pretty one sided right now.
9 comments
It’s kind of like he’s purposely sabatoging the relationship or has checked out of it. Couples therapy tends to work better when both couples actually want to try.
I’m curious how your conversations went. Do you talk specifics like “yesterday when we had a date night I felt disconnected because you didn’t shower or dress up, and we didn’t talk much.” Or “I would like a gift for my birthday” and so forth. If he pulls out the “you’re complaining and don’t appreciate me card” when you try, say “we can talk about that after this. I am unhappy in the relationship and I would like to fix things”. it might be time to emphasize that you want the relationship to work, but to go that he needs to stop rebutting issues when they come up because you are trying to work with him.
Couples therapy is cheaper than a divorce.
Ask him to find a therapist and setup an appointment. Tell him you need HIM to do the legwork – but that your relationship is struggling and is not sustainable as it is.
I truly feel like I could of written this, its so similar to my relationship! I wish I could help, but I am just as lost as you! 😭
I feel you. Feeling similar things with my wife as well at times. Although not as severe, there are definitely elements of similarity.
The fact he’s blatantly not paying or acknowledging you is a total lack of respect I think. He’s taking you for granted I feel. Definitely seek counseling.
I have never tried it but it beats the hell out of divorce. And also try get some sexyness back between you 2. Sex is vital to keeping that connection between you both.
If it’s been like this for a while, I think it’s time to start considering what your life would like like on your own.
While couples therapy would be ideal, I understand finances are always a consideration. If it has been a bit since the topic of the app has come up, you can remind him of it and see if he will make an effort.
That seems like the core of it, though. It sounds like he does not make an effort – at least not a lasting one. His “trying” is out of preservation of the status quo, not real attempts at progress. The more the status quo remains intact, the harder it is going to be to change (as you are running into over and over, it seems).
At this point, it is hard to see whether or not he is ever going to improve. You have already gone down the avenue of approaching divorce, and even that did not stick. Maybe some extended time apart to help him realize (and I mean truly realize) what you bring to his life could help. But the more times you go back the more it reinforces in his mind he only has to work long enough to bring you back before he can return to his ways.
This is tough. Of course, it is up to you what to do, but honestly it sounds like there is way more negative feelings than positive feelings going on with respect to the relationship and that is no way to life. Sorry I do not have a lot of actionable advice to offer. Hopefully, someone else does because this is definitely not good for you.
Well if you were already at the point of divorce before and now youre back there while he is giving no effort to maks the relationship work, seems like divorce was a good idea the first time.
Sounds like he may be depressed? Look, I think a lot of the comments here were very constructive, but we may be missing the forest for the trees (or however that expression goes).
Was he always like this? I ask because I always dress very meh regardless of what I’m doing. I went to a conference once with executives dressed to the nines in jeans and a T-shirt…. Didn’t get fired because I still did better than anyone else my client could have hired for the job I was asked to do. BUT…. Self image isn’t so important for some dudes, is all I’m saying; and I’m happily married to a woman who is perfectly fine with that.
But the fact that you’re pulling the legwork kind of rings an alarm bell for me. He might be depressed, and I have a feeling he wasn’t always unhygienic/not dressing up.
That is an entirely different can of worms than the narrative that the dude’s just a deadbeat. But he is the father of your children, and this gives him much less leeway for lenience. Approach the subject from the depression angle, though. Just food for thought.
Once a week is pretty common. Anything less is considered a dead bedroom.
He could be suffering from low T. Get it checked. It causes laziness and a low sex drive. If he’s having a semi hard dick that’s also a sign of issues. That’s also a demotivator for him.
Or it could be he’s just not attracted to you anymore. To test that theory try to lightly make him jealous. Make up a story about how a hot guy at the grocery store asked for your number and how it made you feel like a teen again. If he gets pissed that’s a great sign. You can also get super dolled up for a girls evening … wear perfume if you don’t normally. See if he gets mad.
Don’t feel bad doing it, he’s not talking to you yo give you answers you need.