So, I (26F) am applying to law school. My spouse (27M) is making the process very frustrating.
I’m currently a teacher and spent 2 years studying and looking in to schools to make sure I felt confident about changing careers. I even made a spreadsheet with a list of schools and a bunch of factors, including happiness factors like if we would like to live there and if it’s affordable. We made the spreadsheet together, and using that, I applied to around 15 schools.
But now, my spouse keeps applying to jobs in completely different states. For example, I applied to several schools in Virginia, but the closest jobs he’s applied to are in Detroit and South Carolina. He has a relatively niche field so I get he’s applying to things that are open, but then he finds it unreasonable when I say I can’t commit to moving somewhere where I haven’t applied to a law school.
He says he’s supportive of me going to law school, yet gets upset when I won’t choose a school that is convenient for him. I spent two years studying and looking into schools; this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. I’m so frustrated that he’s acting like I’m being unreasonable because I don’t want to apply to schools I haven’t invested time in researching or getting to know.
I just don’t know how else I can communicate that this is a big decision for me. I’m not going to change careers to go somewhere I don’t know if I’d like just because it’s convenient for him.
5 comments
Are there no jobs for him in the places where you have applied?
I mean this is something that should be discussed together. This doesn’t sound like a matter of convience for him, it sounds like these are the places hiring in his field. It is not fair to ask him to move to a state if he has no job opportunities there. Was his employment opportunities one of the factors you used when applying to schools?
Both couples being able to work towards a mutual goal should always be one of the deciding factors.
Have you tried flipping this statement?
>I’m not going to change careers to go somewhere I don’t know if I’d like just because it’s convenient for him.
He is not going to change careers to live somewhere he doesn’t know just because it’s convenient for you.
You’re not being any better than he is.
You want him to totally give up his career for your school, but you’re wondering why he wants to give up your school for his career.
Frankly, you’re both being selfish.
You can either compromise and find a spot that works ok for both of you, or realize, you’re both more concerned about your respective careers than each other.
These are things that should have been discussed and planned out well before getting married. Or the wedding should have just been postponed until this was sorted out.
In a marriage, one person has to bend. It may not be the same person each time. Neither of you want to bend on this, and you are at an impasse. We were married a year before my husband went to law school, and it was rough. I worked to support him. He studied all the time. Very hard. We stayed married but it’s not for the weak. If he won’t bend and being a lawyer is important to you, go ahead and divorce. Hope you’re ready for a miserable profession.
Married attorney here. My wife and I married two years before I went to law school. We have since been married 25 years and have five children. We have had a good marriage but there are certainly things I wish I had recognized earlier about how my school/career choice affected my spouse.
As somebody has been on the opposite end of this deal, you need to recognize, respectfully, that you are asking A LOT from your husband. You will essentially be entirely dependent upon his income for FOUR YEARS – three years of law school in another near year of your sitting for the bar and waiting on bar results. During this time you will be the one given accolades by friends and family for ” being in law school”. Your husband will be the sole provider and simultaneously be living at a lower standard of living than if you were working and contributing to your household income.
He is making as much sacrifice and doing as much work as you and you are getting nearly all of the reward. This no way makes you selfish or a bad person, but you need to recognize the extraordinary sacrifice that your husband is going to need to make to help you pursue your goal.
It is entirely possible that your husband is being somewhat passive aggressive by applying to positions which are not near your schools. I would not make a big deal out of this. Keep pressing ahead for applying for law schools. Simultaneously tell him how much you appreciate his supporting you and reassure him how, when you were done, you hope to be able to provide a better lifestyle for him and your family.
Edit – errata