Look for other perspectives – is this normal?

8 comments

1. Not advice but personal history. When my husband was in school full time, he was given a stipend and that went to our joint account to help with bills. When he graduated and couldn’t find work, I paid all the bills. No questions asked. Now I’m working full time and in grad school full time. All our money goes to a joint account that we pay bills from, then we separate the left overs at the end of the month into individual accounts which we only really use if we want to get something just for ourselves (new video game, be book, a gift for the other person). All money is our money.

2. You’re def. not unreasonable. You guys are married. Marital funds are and should be accessible to both. Right now you’re “down” so he should be picking you “up”.

   >I guess i just imagined married partners supporting each other sometimes

   I wouldn’t say sometimes, I’d say all the time. My wife and I support each other wholeheartedly. It just seems like you guys have been living like roommates (50/50) even while married.

   Might be the time to now start living like a married couple where you two combine finances and stop looking at it as your money/his money. And as *our* money.

3. Have you discussed what marriage actually means to each of you? It sounds as if your basic expectations are different. For some, marriage is when two people become a single entity with shared goals, resources, and liabilities. For others, marriage is between two independent people who pursue their own goals alongside each other. For others, it’s more of a business arrangement. One supplies monetary support and the other supplies personal care and children. The different permutations can be endless. Have you had this discussion with your husband?

4. We pool our money. When I lost my job, my husband supported me and when He got laid off and went back to school, I supported him. We’re not business partners, we are family. I’ll probably get downvoted for this (bring it on, I don’t care) but I feel that this is the best long term especially if you are going to have kids. I know some manage to make it work, but this crisis is your sign that it might not work for you.

5. Idk everyone has different preferences with finances and couples take different approaches. I can’t say one is better than any other so I can only share my situation.

   Since we got married 14+ years ago we’ve had one bank account that both pays go into. All bills go out of it as well. Makes everything easier for us. There have been times when one was doing better financially than the other but everything was good. Just support each other and our collective life.

   We both do really well now and stick with the same plan. We have had serious discussions about money and how to handle things, but never one fight about it.

6. That sounds like roommates.

   Since getting married, we don’t split anything. There is no his and hers. It’s just ours.

   Our money, our bills, regardless of who makes what.

7. You’re not being unreasonable. I would definitely feel unsupported if I were in your shoes. My husband and I combined all accounts when we got married. There is no “his” or “mine” in “our” marriage. Well, he is possessive of his side of the bed. And he would lose his mind if we had to share a closet. But his OCT and my messiness aside, we are a team. I know people do this whole separate accounts and paying bills 50/50, and presumably it works for them, but I don’t understand how you can share a future with separate finances.

8. There’s a better way.

   Stop being business partners and start being a family. Then the math goes away. My wife and I toss everything together and we never even think about her money or my money. It’s only **our money**.

   And when she took off to have a baby, we only had my income and it was our money. And when I got laid off (twice), her income was all that we had and it was our money. Things happen in life like that.

   And here’s another truth about the spending. It’s not fair at all to them, but *women cost more*. It’s been called the “[pink tax](https://www.bankrate.com/finance/credit-cards/pink-tax-how-women-pay-more/).” Women’s hair cuts cost *way* more, as do color treatments. Women’s dry cleaning costs more. Women have twice the underwear and that too costs a whole lot more. Like 5-10x more. Basic women’s products such as razors, deodorant and body wash cost more. Far more women get mani/pedis than men. Women often wear more accessories that men do not. Women often need more colors and styles of shoes. Women must buy monthly feminine products that men never need. For those who choose it, quality makeup isn’t cheap. Women also have annual gyno checkups that men do not.

   Couple this with the sad truth that some women may not be paid as much and you find some couples where the man keeps his wife in poverty while he’s out buying motorcycles, boats and guns–which is a despicable thing to do.

   So I know that my wife is going to spend more on these basic things, and I don’t give it a second thought. My haircut is 20 bucks. Hers is more like $120 or more, much more. Again, she doesn’t blow money, but it is what it is. How she looks and feels is a reflection of our family and we both want to look good together.

   And when she earned her masters? Those student loans were ours together. Because she became much more valuable with that, so it was more valuable to us. And when I got a small inheritance after my parents passed away, I knocked that debt out so that it was one less thing for us to pay each month out of our money. We’re a team and we’re family.

   And I’ll tell all of this to your husband if you want me to.