Growing up in a religious, male-dominated family as the only daughter really pushed me towards feminism when I finally moved out for college. It’s something that is really important to me and I’m active in my college societies when it comes to promoting it.
However I do like sleeping around a lot and I like to be super submissive in bed. I have had a lot of fun with a bunch of guys in my first year of college and now I have a group of fwbs that I regularly see and I really enjoy rough sex with them. Just things like having my hair pulled, being tossed around, deepthroating…those kind of things. I like being degraded and dominated during sex.
In the moment I feel really good and the sex is great, but afterwards when I’m back at my place I feel a bit strange. It’s hard to describe the exact feeling but I’d say it’s a mix of shame, guilt and embarrassment. Part of me wants to keep sleeping around with a bunch of guys and the other part of me feels embarrassed that I let myself be degraded in bed.
Does anyone sometimes feel like this? How do you overcome it?
14 comments
As long as you feel safe, I say honor your sexuality and go for it. Sometimes our sexuality is a way of acting out traumas, and once again, as long as you feel safe and are having fun, it’s perfectly normal and okay.
Isn’t feminism supposed to defend women in a socio-economic and cultural sense while encouraging them to express their sexual nature as individuals within that group? If you are ashamed by what you like in bed this particular concept of feminism you have adopted is misguided.
Although I’m a man so I can’t speak towards your specific instance, from what I understand, feminism is about making sure women have equal:
1. Choice
2. Say in what they want
3. Can feel safe to voice concerns, wants, likes and dislikes.
You want what you want. OK, so by owning that want you are:
1. Choosing to step into it whole-heartedly
2. You are voicing that you want this to your partners
3. You feel safe to say that because you have that right.
It sounds like you are letting politics influence your private sex life. Politics should be left WELL outside the bedroom for exactly this reason. What you do in your normal social, work etc. life can be as politically-motivated as you want, but when you are in the bedroom with your partner(s), and the door is closed, there is NOTHING that should matter aside from what you want and what your partner wants and how far those wants line up IN THAT MOMENT.
The other option is that you continue to let your politics make you feel guilt, shame and disgust, as you describe above about your sex life. Gee, that sounds a lot like the pre-feminist era when women weren’t allowed that body autonomy or choice, doesn’t it? By being SO far into the feminist idea, you are actually, ironically REGRESSING on this point.
Basically – relax. Live your feminist life as much as you want, but in the bedroom Cut. That. S***. Out. You have seen that it affects you negatively. The moment that starts to happen, something needs to shift – in this case your mindset. It is actually EMPOWERING to admit to your partner that you want to be dominated- it shows trust in your partner, self-confidence and that you know yourself enough to be able to own your own thoughts and feelings.
R/bdsm and r/subsanctuary could be places to start
Some men do the same – control in the streets, degraded in the sheets
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Feminism is choice. Socially, sexually, and economical choice. Revel in the fact that you can and you choose to and honestly your dominate fwb are all doing what they do at your request. And if you say no they can no longer legally or ethically continue thanks to feminism.
Now that equality is the day to day, bedroom submission feels fun and transgressive. It’s a role-play that can be switched off once the sex is over, and you and your partner can go immediately back to being equals. That’s so refreshing, in a world where not long ago, women couldn’t even get a credit card without their husband’s permission. It can also tie in with the religious conservative sex-shaming upbringing – being made to take it, being controlled etc. “absolves” you of the responsibility for your sexuality that your onetime religious community would condemn you for.
Don’t stress about it! If a dude can enjoy femdom without being accused of wanting to revoke men’s political and social rights, you can do the same.
Feminism has nothing to do with sexual preferences. Feminism is about equality. Feminism is about choosing what makes you happy.
If a man demands you be sexually submissive and you aren’t into that, that runs counter to feminism. If you ENJOY submission, awesome. That’s not anti feminist.
If you WANT to have casual sex, you want to be dominated and/or degraded – awesome for you to chase what makes you happy.
No matter what your larger socio-political ideologies may be, all of us should be entitled to pursue our private lives in such a way that 1) optimizes our happiness (including sexual pleasure) without 2) infringing on someone else’s agency or opportunities.
In other words: what turns you on is what turns you on and sure, that include forms of power-play that, on paper, don’t seem very egalitarian but if being submissive is what turns you on, and if both of you are consenting to that kind of power dynamic, then you’re not betraying a larger set of egalitarian ideals.
I mean, politically progressive lesbians can still be in dom/sub relationships, right? Does that mean both of them are being bad feminists (note: I’m not suggesting that all lesbians are feminists…some certainly are not).
While I think feminism, broadly speaking, is about a transformation of society and its norms, in private lives, I think the same ideals really come down to respect for autonomy and agency and making sure that one person isn’t burdened with obligations simply out of gendered expectations or traditions.
If you’re *expected* to be submissive by your partner, just because you’re a woman? That’s a problem. If you *desire* to be submissive to your partner and both of you consent to that arrangement? Your agency and autonomy is still being recognized and respected there.
The only concern I might have is that I might be giving the men I sleep with the “wrong impression” that “all women want to be submissive” but if your male partners come away thinking that, that’s because they’re conflating “one woman” with “all women” and that’s on them for drawing such an asinine conclusion. Either that or you’re attracting the wrong men.
But again, you can have the most ultra-progressive couples on the planet who are still deep into dom/sub play (in either direction). None of that is contradictory.
The submissive power dynamic is degradation. In gay bdsm circles, they use gay equality as something they taunt you with when they dominate you. As long as it’s understood that it’s a sexual fantasy then it doesn’t conflict with your identity and values as a feminist.
AFTERCARE IS MANDATORY
I totally agree with many of the comments here, that of course you can be a feminist and enjoy being submissive in bed. I do also think that you can take seriously your “ick” feelings you are having after your experiences, as try to figure out what they are about.
Like, what are the thoughts or voices that go along with the shame and embarrassment? Are they related to messages you got about sex growing up or are they different? Are you experiencing it the same every time you have sex? Or is it more or less after different encounters? If so what were the differences?
If you enjoy it, it’s not degrading. Don’t worry about it and have fun.
If you don’t like it afterward, stop doing it. Or gradually work in other activities. Or try to let it go.
I think of this type of sex as playtime, like acting out a role play. It’s not like either of you actually believe you’re lesser. If one of you do, then it’s time to rethink this.
What’s saying a person can’t be submissive or toy around with screwed up sexual power dynamics AND be just as valuable and good as any other person?
If it doesn’t match your values or makes you feel bad, you can try doing other things instead or try reframing it.
Hi. Fellow feminist subby person lol. Also formerly religious.
It’s difficult to unlearn the shame – like, so so so so difficult.
You can absolutely be submissive in bed and still hold feminist values and follow them. Your sexual preferences are just sexual. No reason to feel ashamed of what you like (but I can empathize entirely)
I’ve been practicing positive self talk and it does genuinely help – it is also difficult to start and feels silly but it’s made a world of difference.
You are not letting anyone down, nor are you letting yourself down, or disrespecting yourself like some (mostly men) would probably tell you.
As long as it isn’t hurting anyone else and it brings you pleasure and everyone is consenting, the only people who would shame you are the ones you have already distanced yourself from.