I (27F) is in a relationship with a 30M. I have issues, that makes it impossible for me to have penetrative sex: but we do a lot of other stuff, and he always reaches orgasm. Howeever, throughout the relationship, I have felt like what I have been able to give is not enough for him (at one point he told me that I was lucky to find someone who would put up with not having penetrative sex – which sucks in general, but penetration have never been important to me, and I am both bisexual and fine with being alone – so maybe he is unlucky to have found me?).
It’s just little jabs and comments, sighs – and then the two big examples (previous and the title).
Since he said the thing about loving me more if we had more sex (the most recent thing) I have felt like breaking up with him. We have said I love you many other times, but now it feels… different. I am kind of run down, and feeling like its never enough makes me want to not have sex at all…
I am not sure if I am overreacting or if it makes sense to feel confused and like it might be a good idea to break up or at least take a break? I get that he gives up a lot by not having the kind of sex he needs – but I can’t and won’t give more than I have/have sex when i dont feel like it…
I need an outsiders perpective
32 comments
You’re not overreacting. His comments are emotionally manipulative.
I mean, this shit?
>at one point he told me that I was lucky to find someone who would put up with not having penetrative se
Sounds pretty incel adjacent, for example.
But the whole “I’d love you more if we had more sex” is basically him saying “I’m not getting my needs/wants met so I’m going to apply emotional leverage rather than just being more honest about it.”
Plenty of people are in relationships where there’s a mismatch in the frequency of sex but they don’t tell their partners that they love them less because of it, which is exactly what your BF is telling you. This won’t get better with time either. He’s likely to continue to apply more emotional/guilt tactics especially if he truly thinks you’re lucky to be with him because “he puts up” with your condition.
If he is asking you to do something he knows is impossible, that is very unreasonable. I am sorry.
You guys are probably not compatible. Personally, no penetrative sex would be a deal breaker for me and probably most men. You need to be true to yourself but I think it’ll be difficult to find a guy who’s really OK with this, although he might say otherwise at first.
I (M) was in a similar relationship for almost a year when I was mid 20s. I loved her company but ultimately the lack of real PIV sex was too much to handle. We mutually moved on. I never manipulated her but made my frustrations clear. You’re probably not really compatible.
You’re not overreacting, and you’d be totally justified in breaking up over this.
He’s treating love like a transaction, and you deserve better than that.
Love is not transactional like that.
I tell my wife if she does certain things, it’ll drive me wild! I’ve encouraged her to exercise more for her health. There’s all kinds of give and take in a relationship like that. But I would never bring love into the equation. I love her, and that’s that.
If you have a medical reason you can’t, then he’s asking you to put yourself through pain or even danger for his pleasure. If he loved you at all, he wouldn’t do that. If he wants penetrative sex, then that’s a physical need that isn’t being met, not a love issue.
And, no, you aren’t “lucky” to have found a man that will give up vaginal sex if he doesn’t give you the love or respect you deserve.
If I had a partner who was having issues with sex, I’d not love him any less for it.
People need to accept people for who they are or the health conditions they have when they start dating and not EXPECT THEM TO CHANGE.
He cant accept and tell you one thing then after time/emotional investment guilt trip you about it.
As long as you were upfront about things from the beggining i would say this is a him problem.
>He (M30) said he would love me (27F) more if we had more sex
>
>at one point he told me that I was lucky to find someone who would put up with not having penetrative sex
Holy emotional manipulation, Batman!
He doesn’t love you. He loves what he wants you to do for him.
LOL the title alone I already don’t need to read the rest because anyone who says, “If you loved me, you would…”, is so self absorbed their ego is taking up all the oxygen in the room and suffocating the very person they are GUILT TRIPPING.
Seriously, people like that are passive-aggressive to the max and aren’t mature.
Drop the the adult that’s really just two kids in a human trench coat not capable of handling an adult relationship that requires never guilt tripping your partner.
Op, you can do better and will.
Them? LMFAO! They’ll keep repeating this same cycle with every women.
Edit: Typo(s)
The amount of stories I read regarding men saying rude shit to their girlfriends on this subreddit is sickening.
That’s a lie, people might be happy or unhappy regarding sex, but sex didn’t make me love someone more, or the lack of it love them less.
Tbh you guys aren’t sexually compatible. I don’t think he’ll be happy without it, you can’t by no fault of your own, and now it’s grown into him manipulating, guilting, etc you which is really toxic.
He had to decide if he can go without forever, and if so drop this terrible treatment to you, or bounce. If neither happens, I think you should. If you don’t want to or feel you should already.
If I couldn’t have PIV sex with my partner, it would very likely be a deal breaker. Sounds like he’s being a jerk about it though. You are both right to have your desires and needs, sounds like you guys should break up if the sexual incompatibility is that pronounced.
My wife and I haven’t had sex for 6 years because of a medical problem, it’s frustrating yes, but I try not to make her feel bad, it’s bad enough she is I’ll, I just have plenty of wanks
I think you’re probably just incompatible 🫤
Does he initiate and get rejected? Or is it only coming up in talks that he’d like more of you?
Probably best for both of you to find someone else, better suited to your needs. If a person has a physical touch love language or that’s how the feel most connected to you (having sex) and that isn’t happening or not often enough it can lack of communication/closeness, intimacy, etc. That can build up over time and lead to them not feeling that same bond with you and causing resentment.
I am not excusing his comments towards you though. There are better ways to explain how he is feeling about the situation without trying to hurt you. This is why I think you would probably both be happier finding someone more suited to your needs.
Do you want to be with someone who has donations to their love? Having mismatched libidos is one thing, you break up and move on. Sitting around and being manipulative and shitty so you’ll cave to his demands is gross.
Ultimatums and conditional love are a major red flag and a sign that you should rethink your relationship with that person.
You said it yourself, you’re fine being alone. What does this guy add to your life? He’s not satisfied by you and you’re not satisfied by him. It’s time to move on.
He’s abusive & you deserve better! Better to be alone than with someone like that!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
If he tells you you’re lucky to have found him, he’s a manipulative bastard and you’re being gaslighted.
Stay safe.
break up might be a good idea
He’s being an asshole. I get that it’s very unfair for one partner to be less satisfied, but he could’ve just ended it amicably
“Love you more”.
Start banking your escape money.
Time to move on. Life is way too short.
If someone loves you, they don’t have conditions like i would love you more if you did this of that
Never use sex as a weapon. Leave that toxic shit
You should not be made to feel like a burden. If he does think you are, then he doesn’t love you the way you deserve. We all make compromises for our relationships, but if you are consciously choosing to make them out of love, then you won’t be resentful. He’s with you for convenience, and He’s annoyed because you aren’t as convenient as he was hoping for.
Personally, I would not be with anyone who told me they were settling for me or sacrificing something for me. My company is the prize. If my partner doesn’t feel that way, then he’s free to leave. I’d much rather be happy on my own than in a relationship and treated like a parasite.
It’s bad that he’s guilting you.
That aside, clearly your dynamic isn’t working for him, & by virtue of how he’s dealing with that, it isn’t working for you either.
Probably time to break up or severely adjust expectations. Remind him that you’re not lucky, that you bring a lot more to a relationship than a set of genitals.
If he requires PIV, and disses you for being unable, I’m so sorry. That’s toxic waiting to happen.
He wants what you don’t have to give. It just ends up in anger, bitterness and tears. I don’t say this often, or lightly, but you’re incompatible. It’s like DOS and UNIX (or whatever) trying to get together, long term.
You can’t do what he wants. That’s OK. But say goodbye before you do yourself irreparable harm.
Someone is going to want, love and need you, just as you are. It’s not him, so move along. You deserve someone who loves you. As is. With no caveats, or any kind of codicil.
Remember, you are amazing. As. Is.
So ask him if you can love him in the ass
U deserve better. He values his pleasure more than u being in pain, he can literally go fuck himself.