I (24F) have been at my current job for about 6 months now. I work on a hybrid schedule like most people in the office. Everyone once in a while I’ll get a LinkedIn request from a coworker and I’ll always accept it because why the heck not, we work together. On Sunday a man at my work who we’ll call Steven (50ishM), and who has worked at my organization for about 20 years now, sent me a LinkedIn request 3 days ago on Sunday which I accepted. Then he messaged me after I accepted to say he was so glad to connect and “there are so many new folx, sometimes I forget names. Glad to know yours!” He asked me how I came to our organization and I told him. I assumed this would end there.
I don’t work on the same team as Steven, but our teams do fall under a larger umbrella and we are on some of the same monthly meetings and quarterly retreats. We just had a retreat and we were in a brainstorming group together, but other than that I have never spoken to him. I don’t even think I directly addressed him in that group.
The next day, on Monday, Steven messages me on Teams and said good morning and I thought it was sort of strange because casual conversation isn’t really what Teams is meant for. I said good morning back. He remarked that the weather was nice and I agreed. Then he asked “maybe let’s have a drink together sometime. If not, that’s fine too.” After a few minutes he wrote “just wanted to put that out there….” I have gone out for drinks with coworkers and team members twice before in groups, but never as a one-on-one. I wanted to give him a the benefit of the doubt, but my gut feeling is uneasy. I approached one of my trusted coworkers, Randy (27M) who has been at our organization longer and I asked for his advice. He thought it was really strange and out of character for Steven, who apparently isn’t the type to be overly, innocently friendly. Randy is also gay if that helps to know for context and perspective. Randy and I agreed that it would be good for me to reply with a question asking if Steven was thinking of getting a group together for drinks. So I asked that and Steven replied that we can do that and “we’ll make it happen.”
Today, Wednesday, we had a big organization-wide meeting and afterwards he messaged me on teams asking “we’re you in the meeting this a.m.?” At this point I don’t want to talk to him and I don’t know how I should move forward. I want to be nice, but I want to protect myself and not invite any advances
I think if he wanted to just talk about professional things he could have offered that we eat lunch together some afternoon. Or he could have explicitly mentioned wanting to hear more about my work background over drinks. But he didn’t. Is he being friendly or weird? And I don’t know if he’s married, Randy doesn’t know either.
Please let me know if you get weird vibes from his messages. I may bring this to HR, but I don’t want to make a big deal out of something totally banal. I would love input from younger women who have been in similar situations and from men who have had their friendly gestures misinterpreted.
Edit: just to clear something up, I didn’t mean I would bring this to HR to get him in trouble, but rather that I would ask someone in HR for advice because they handle interpersonal problems at work. Bringing something to the attention of an HR person doesn’t necessitate that they inform the other party depending on the circumstances
46 comments
This has the same vibe as those women who film tiktoks and expose a guy for glancing in their general direction in the gym.
He asked you out. That’s all. It’s not harassment. Just tell him plainly that you aren’t interested. Not all unwanted male attention is harassment.
He’s interested, for sure, but not harassing yet. You should reply, that “I have changed my mind about the drinks (no need to give a reason), but if you have any questions on our shared project they can be emailed”. I think will send him the message.
I was going to answer yes without reading it and after reading it. Definitely yes!
>Then he asked “maybe let’s have a drink together sometime. If not, that’s fine too.” After a few minutes he wrote “just wanted to put that out there….”
Yeah, this isn’t just friendly co-worker type of thing. Especially with that last line. He asked you out on a date.
I don’t think it’s creepy as of yet. He seems to like you. I would let him know you aren’t interested ASAP before he starts reading the wrong vibes.
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It seems that your coworker is interested in you. To me it is so obvious that you could (should) have nipped it in the bud much sooner, in case you are not interested. To go to HR would be over reacting and not fair since up to this point you have gone along with the motion. He has been polite and he did nothing wrong.
The fact that he is older has no bearing on anything, except that you may not be attracted to older guys. If this was a handsome, charming man in your prefered age range, the word ‘creepy’ would not have entered the conversation.
Best advice I can give you is to not go along and not accept any more invitations. You could even tell him politely you are not interested. If afterward he continues and he crosses a line then (only then) you could step to HR.
Nicely say, “I’m sorry; I am not interested in going out with you.” Though you have every right to just say, “stop talking to me!” You are still employed at the same company and that could be socially awkward.
Good luck.
Everything about it has *date* written all over it.
You’re gonna need to be direct, but polite, so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Anything along the lines of “I can’t, I’m busy” just means he’s going to try again next week when you’re not busy.
Also, he’s 50 and you’re 24? This is creepy. Yes, large age gaps can work and aren’t inherently bad. But in this context (a colleague you’ve never properly spoken to) it seems a little off.
he thinks youre cute and is trying to invite you out after work hours romantically, more than likely. at this point nothing in your post made him sound out of bounds, other than the fact yall are co-workers(IMO not that big of an issue, especially since you say youre not in the same department). next time he brings it up, say something along the lines of “id really like to keep things strictly professional between us. i appreciate for the invitation but im going to have to decline. thank you for your understanding.”
if you havent told him no, he doesnt know youre not interested and hasnt done anything wrong. i think at this point it would be wrong to involve HR. if you tell him no and he wont drop it, or gets more aggressive, then talk to HR.
if its unwanted attention in any form, thats harrassment. let me rephrase: the keyword is UNWANTED
You don’t need anyone’s permission to be creeped out. If you’re uncomfortable with a situation, whether or not that was their intent is irrelevant. Never feel guilty about shutting down an interaction you are uncomfortable with for any reason.
That being said, he’s clearly interested in you. “Just throwing that out there” is literally him shooting his shot. I don’t think he’s necessarily being inappropriate, but if you’re not into it then it’d be a good idea to shut it down now. “Hey thanks for being so friendly and welcoming, but I prefer to keep our relationship professional.”
If somehow you were reading the situation wrong then he certainly won’t be offended by a message like that, and if that was his intent he should get the message to stop. At that point if things continue to escalate you can consider taking things to HR if he’s continuing to make you uncomfortable.
Always go with your gut!
It’s not technically weird or creepy yet I guess, but it’s creepy for him to go after women that could be his daughter IMO. There’s probably a reason he chooses to ask out 24 year olds he works with instead of women his own age.
It’s not creepy. He just asked you out. You’re not interested. Tell him no. End of story. That’s it.
He’s a fucking creep. End all communication now. What a loser weirdo, i cannot stand creepy losers like him who have to hit on co- workers.
*Added: this happens to me every week where I work. As a younger looking woman, loser men misinterpret kindness for you wanting to date them🙄 I wouldn’t take this to HR but never respond to him and block him from LinkedIn. But if he harasses you again, then contact HR.
steven is gonna burn down the office lmao
Just say no. Not that hard. If he causes a stink, go t your boss, then hr.
Just say “I’m sorry. I’m not gonna make it. Thanks for the invite.”
If ur gonna turn him down, do it ASAP. Don’t drag it out.
It’s definitely weird but unless it elevates, I wouldn’t go to HR. Also if it were me I wouldn’t go out with him even in a group. Make excuses. He’ll get it. If he doesn’t, then go to HR.
Well… it sounds like he’s asking you out. It’s not necessarily creepy just because you’re not interested, although it is a pain to deal with. You might as well assume he’s not married.
Your saying “in a group would be ok” could be construed as “I *might* date you later but I’d want to get to know you in a group first.” So it’s better to not go that way and just say no instead. If you have a policy of not dating at work, that’s an easy out…
I would just stop replying. If that doesn’t work, I’d send him a professional email directly, saying something like, “Good afternoon. Should you have any questions or concerns regarding our shared project, please send me an email. I will no longer be using the Teams App for daily communication, as my role requires my undivided attention.” If he keeps it up, copy your supervisor on the email chain.
If you are going to call HR on a guy for just casual friendly behavior at work – that’s your issue. Just cause you feel it’s weird in your head doesn’t make the act a bad thing.
He might be interested, but being interested in someone and asking them for drinks DOES NOT NEED TO INVOLVE ANYONE – INCLUDING HR. It only involves you and the person asking.
I swear, some people should walk around with shirts that say “Will Report to HR If You Ask Me Out” “Asking Me Out Makes Me Uncomfortable, AND THAT’s MY TRUTH” so people can know not to even try.
No is a full sentence.
eh, sounds like he was putting out feelers. Not inherently creepy but probably too much of an age difference. The fact that he was ok with making a group thing is a good sign. If he persists, tell him thanks but no thanks
he asked you on a date. You can say no. This doesn’t make him a bad person. He is bad if he persists after you say no.
You’re overcomplicating this. If you say no, he doesn’t come at you the next day with ‘were you at the meeting’. He is in an information vaccuum. By not giving him a clear answer, you left all of this ambiguity in his mind and then he has to interpret it on his own. Maybe he thinks one more message is over the line, but then a part of him will tell himself ‘you have to try to be more self confident and not assume people don’t like you’. He will try again.
Don’t confuse him and try to deflect. This guy is not even in your department. Tell him you don’t feel comfortable having a drink. If you want to soften the blow, tell him you’re an introvert and you are very busy with your work duties.
I’m sure half the people in the thread will call this guy evil just for asking you out, but he is likely a very lonely person if he is 50m and single, and he found you attractive so he asked you out one time.
Go to HR for what? He hasnt done anything to you and you havent expressed any sort of discomfort to him so how is he supposed to know how you feel if your actions dont match your words? The best thing to do is calmly tell him youre not interested in anything more than a professional relationship and keep it stepping. You dont need to message him back, especially if your gut is saying dont then why do it anyway? Yes you can be creeped out but, if thats the extent of your interactions with him the objectively, he has not done anything wrong. You need to open your mouth and articulate your thoughts because by not saying anything and engaging back with him on a minor level, youre saying youre receptive to his advances. A man isnt a creep for being interested in a woman and wanting to intiate some sort of repoire. Now if youve explicitly told him your boundary of not wanting to meet outside of work and not being interested in him and hes STILL trying to overstep and talk to you unprofessionally or whatever the case, then yes take it to HR at that point. We dont want more men being afraid to approach women for fear theyre going to report them for trying to strike up a conversation because theyre interested. Reject him first and wait for his reaction. If he backs off with no problem, then he isnt the problem.
He wants to go on a date with you, as more than friends. The “just throwing that out there” followed by the “if not that’s fine” just wreaks of a man worried about rejection. Also I’m older than you now (29) but I’ve been in the same situation. Older men who just want a normal co worker relationship come off more Dad like. This isn’t giving dad vibes. On top of that what does he actually have in common with you other than work ? From a purely maturity/age point of view I wouldn’t want to talk to ,or have a need talk to someone that much younger than me. Unless we had built up and established a platonic relationship in a more natural way like talking face to face in the office. Old man just randomly messages me and immediately asks me for drinks?? No fckin thank you.
You should listen to your gut, this is creepy.
I usually deal with this by asking “is this work related? I’m juggling a full plate right now” and ignoring chitchat, which if they call me on it I answer “sorry I missed your message, I’m really focused on work at the moment” ad infinitum until they back off.
Sounds like he’s interested. I dislike girls calling people shooting their shot creepy tho. Dude finds u attractive or whatever. Just go tell him no.
It sounds like he has non-professional interest, but I wouldn’t call that automatically creepy/weird; he might not realize how young you are.
Yeah he literally asked you out
I think it’s creepy because of the age gap. Why would a 50ish dude ask a 24 year old female to get drinks? If it’s work related, it can be handled in a meeting at the office or on zoom during office hours.
Decline all invites. If you feel you need a reason, just say you like to keep your work life separate from your personal life.
He asked you out for drinks, that meant the two of you. It wasn’t innocent or friendly, he’s already made an advance. You aren’t feeling it so just say you aren’t interested in anything besides being professional acquaintances and then stop talking to him
He shot his shot once. Luckily for you, it’s on record in Teams. Just politely decline.
This isn’t harassment yet. Keyword: yet.
Anything unprofessional after you decline is harassment. Keep screenshots of the records just in case, though the entire teams conversation will be available to IT anyway. Keep records if this continues off teams.
It’s also probably worth it to unfriend on LinkedIn
He’s definitely interested in you but remind him of company policy that know romantic relationship with co- workers and not only that you’re in a serious relationship.
I don’t understand your question. Are you creeped out? Yes or no? We can tell you how you should feel. I don’t think he is doing anything wrong, per say, he is shooting his shot and that’s okay. It’s not like he’s harassing you or anything. Just tell him you are talking to someone
Sorry you’ve been put in this position; it’s awkward. It’s not ‘creepy/harassing/weird’ but it’s not ‘banal/professional/friendly’ either. He’s a guy who’s shooting his shot with a younger coworker in a kind of cowardly, but possibly harmless way. It’s marginally unprofessional, but not malicious and I definitely wouldn’t punish him for this alone.
He’s clearly making an advance on you, but imo he hasn’t done anything out of line yet, because you *haven’t* *set a clear boundary with him*.
My advice would be to set a clear boundary with him as soon as you feel that the vibes are off.
Talking to everyone at the office about it/escalating things is bad.
Going along with it and assuming best intentions is also bad.
The kind and direct way to set a boundary is to be unambiguous but leave him room to save face and don’t make it personal. Something like “hey, I’m not sure where you’re heads at, but just so you’re aware I’m not interested in dating at the office or escalating any kind of personal relationship with coworkers at this point. I don’t want to assume that’s where you’re coming from, but just want to make absolutely sure we’re on the same page so we don’t have any misaligned intentions here.”
If he *crosses that boundary or does not respect it* then it would be appropriate to escalate or seek advice.
He’s not being creepy, just forward, imo. He won’t be the last person in your life you have to reject, and it’s important to learn to set boundaries with directness and kindness– always a best Plan A over any kind of gossip, subterfuge or permissiveness.
steven wants to do a lot of low-down and dirty sex things to your young, nubile body. he wants his vitality, masculinity and manliness to b be validated by your youth and beauty. if you have a thing for middle-aged men, you should get drinks with him. if you’re disgusted by the concept, stop responding to his messages.
I’d say “I really don’t go out with co-workers one on one. I find it can lead to assumptions and resentment from colleagues. I am someone who prefers to keep things strictly professional but am not such a stick in the mud that I can’t celebrate with the team on occasion”
I’m 27 and have been working at my company since 23, I was always the youngest (and only woman) on my team full of men who are 40s-50s (i work in software). Not once have any of them asked me out for drinks or anything outside of work. At most there were cafeteria trips for lunch in office, and occasionally a walk together from meeting to meeting.
I don’t think this is appropriate from my few years as a young woman in a corporate environment with older men.
Really? On Microsoft teams? Those messages are pretty permanent
Always listen to your gut feeling/intuition. He was asking you out on a date
Stuff like this i never understand….. just tell the man, Thanks for the offer Steven, but I’m not looking for personal relationships or anything of that nature at work, but the gesture was nice, i would like to keep things professional from here on out. What’s so hard about being straight forward and letting him know where you stand?
Technically the situation in it self isn’t creepy , but the the age gap is pretty creepy . That’s my opinion though .
Inappropriate.
He’s a creeper. Don’t fall for it. You have the challenge of being nice but also professional without giving this guy any hope that you two will be alone together.