We’ve been together 4 years, pretty much would only have sex when drunk (very rarely sober). Drunk sex was always great but even so I’ve only had maybe a handful of orgasms our entire relationship. Now we aren’t going out/drinking as much so we maybe have sex once per 1-2 months but we’ve talked about trying more and so we’ve been going for it somewhat more frequently.
His foreplay game sober has been not great (and feels half-assed) and once he cums it’s over. And he’s self conscious regarding how quickly he cums. And I guess self conscious of everything. I don’t mind but I do mind that everything ends once he finishes.
I’ve been trying to give him feedback during sex like “can you use less pressure” or “can you move up/down a little” but the other night he got really pissed, said that I’m putting too much pressure on him, said that I’m embarrassing him etc. He feels like I’m always scrutinizing him and making him feel inadequate and that he’s not doing enough to pleasure me (which he’s not and sex isn’t really fun for me).
For context, these last few years have been very stressful for him with a lot of personal trauma to work through. He’s just now working through these things and I realize I’ve been very hard on him but I don’t know what to do. He’s so upset with me and said he’s never been so hurt in his life because of my criticism. Do I just not say anything anymore and deal with it? I don’t understand where we’re supposed to go from here. Help? Feels like we’re headed for true dead bedroom territory.
Tldr – Voicing my sexual needs repeatedly during sex made my partner ashamed, embarrassed and small. I don’t know how to move forward.
3 comments
I suggest talking to a therapist about it. Dude has some issues and he probably needs all the support he can get.
You need to sit him down when you’re both sober, well fed, and not distracted and talk about this.
You should apologize for hurting his feelings, and then ask him how he would like you to communicate to him what feels good and what doesn’t. How he responds to this will tell you what you need to know. If he can communicate with you and tell you how he needs to get feedback, you can listen. If he shuts down and says something like “you should just enjoy what I do to you and it give me feedback”, then he’s not concerned about being a good lover to you
Drinking in moderation is cool and getting drunk once and awhile is fine, but unless you’re only fucking once every couple weeks, he (or y’all) are alcoholics. But otherwise, just stick it through with him if you think he has the potential to pull out of his funk and get to having a healthier relationship. However, if he’s too insecure to change how he has sex with you to make it more pleasurable, your relationship will suffer. I was in a similar situation with a girl who didn’t like to fuck at all except once and awhile. Like once every couple weeks and it wasn’t ever great sex besides a few times. Left her and then found an amazing woman who I make cum so many times in one day