I’ve always been pretty introverted and asocial, but lately I’ve noticed that it’s been getting a lot worse over the past several months at least.
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I should start off by saying that I live in an isolated area where I can’t really just leave the house and go do something on a whim. My only opportunities to socialize are at school and when I plan sleepovers with my one close friend; sadly, those can’t be a regular thing. For these reasons, most of my friends are online.
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Over time, I’ve found myself becoming less patient and interested in other people. I know I’m probably about to sound like an asshole, but hear me out. Most of my conversations online feel completely one-sided, with other people going on and on and me trying my best to maintain an engaging conversation, but when I talk about something that interests me, they just shut down on me. It’s gotten so bad with one person that I genuinely don’t want to be friends with them anymore.
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In general, I just enjoy listening to people a lot less nowadays. I still do it, and I try my best to feign interest, but with the way people seem to have no interest in me and just blow me off, I don’t really feel bad about it anymore. All of my interactions with most other people just feel like an ego battle these days. They don’t seem to actively listen to what I’m saying, so why I should listen to them? But when I stop putting in effort, things just worsen and before I know it, I’ve lost a friend.
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I’m trying to socialize in person, but it’s not going as well as I’d like. I thought I was in two separate friend groups, but one of them has stopped talking with me completely, and when I ask to hang out, I get no responses. I was socializing with them for a while, mostly only one person, since the other two never really seemed to engage with me. But to be honest, the only person I was talking to only talked about herself *constantly*, and she never really acknowledged anything unrelated I said. She said I’m weird in kind of a half-joking way (but there was definitely some truth in there), because I don’t tell anyone about myself, but I *did* talk about myself; apparently it just passed right through her head. I think that’s one of my biggest issues, I’m constantly told and led to believe that I’m not successful socially because I don’t tell anyone anything about myself, but is that so unreasonable when nobody seems to listen or care anyway?
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There’s so much more I could unpack, but I’ll end it here in the hopes that people will be more likely to read it if it’s not a massive, unhinged rant (which it already kinda is). I just can’t be satisfied talking with other people, and there are very few who I at least enjoy talking to, and despite my efforts, I remain extremely lonely most of the time.
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What the hell do I do at this point?
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Edit: Spelling, grammar