So I’ve been working really hard on my social skills the past few years and have finally cultivated what feels like a solid friend group. Some of us had been talking about playing an RPG together for a while and I was really excited about it. Until last night when I saw on Instagram that they had gotten together to play without me.
I reached out and shared that I was feeling hurt and confused about why I wasn’t included. They apologized and said it was a miscommunication and that they weren’t intentionally leaving me out. I said that I trusted it wasn’t intentional, but it still felt bad as I thought that this was something we were going to do together and had even directly asked to be invited. I explained that I struggle to feel like I belong sometimes since they have all known each other longer than me, and that I had really been looking forward to sharing an experience together that we could bond over.
I feel like I was polite and direct, I used a lot of “I” statements and didn’t make any accusations or anything like that. But I still have this feeling like I ruined something or shouldn’t have spoken up. I’m worried that I came off like an entitled loser or something.
Was there a better way I could have handled this?
5 comments
I’m glad you got your thoughts out there. If it “ruins” anything, then these people aren’t truly your friends. Hopefully they ARE, but if I heard something like that from someone in my circle I’d be sure to make sure they were included the next time.
I actually love your honesty on this. Good for you!
As soon as it was said it was a miscommunication, you should’ve dropped it and accepted that. It’s fine you were open and direct, but it can come off as unnecessary inner dialogue. By leaning into how they hurt you (which wasn’t their intention) it falls into the dangerous territory of emotional manipulation. It may come off as a pity party or wanting to make them feel bad or guilty because you felt hurt over perceived harm/neglect. It’s a fine line between open communication and knowing when to just let things go. Don’t assume people are out to hurt you, but assume it’s a miscommunication first. Only if there’s evidence of malice is there a reason to get upset.
I wouldn’t say anything else about it, but roll into creating more positive experiences.
I’d have eaten their explanation about it being a miscommunication. If it happened again, I’d start looking for other friends.
“Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, you ain’t going to fool me again.” – George w bush
Was there a follow up communication that prompted you to feel something is wrong? I think a lot of time, when we do something different from our default, it can feel really unsafe in our body, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong! Sounds like you were brave, and that everything went well!
If I were you, I’d be upset that none of them even thought like “hey where is OP they said they wanted to join”. You absolutely did not mess up by confronting them. Real friendships don’t get ruined when you genuinely communicate your emotions the way you did, only fake friendships are threatened by open communication. I think you did the right thing and the right people would have received that well. I’m not sure how much it could’ve been a miscommunication, more like, they just didn’t think to invite you.
People say never ask to go if your friends don’t invite you. I think it’s reasonable to make it known you’re interested in something, but me personally if my friends dont invite me initially I don’t insert myself. Should never ask to be invited.